To just be absolutely knackered ALL the time

[blueberry23]

I have a one year old and three year old. Neither have been great sleepers. Neither sleep consistently and the one year old still wakes for breastfeeds in the night. Some nights they both sleep through but it's rare. The one year old if he does sleep all night is up for the day at 5 now after the clocks changed.

I'm just knackered. Recently back to work, DH works all the hours as well. We do have a cleaner once a week.

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything social at all. I see friends with kids the same age starting to go out for drinks etc again and days out in London etc... I just don't have the energy. I'm so, so tired.

I'm 36.

I look awful, feel like I'm aging really rapidly. I also feel grumpy, like I'm just waiting for bedtime because I'm so tired all the time. Like I've had a sense of humour failure.

Been up since 4.30am today when the baby woke for a feed and then he dozed until 5 and then was up for the day. So another day of being absolutely exhausted ahead. He also woke at 11pm and 3.30am. We cosleep as I wouldn't survive any other way. I probably need to night wean him but don't have the energy to actually do it.

Anyone else in my boat?

I remember these days well, and especially thinking I would never feel normal or wakeful again. They did end. And they will for you too so stay strong.

Two things (potentially) … there is not much excuse for your DH not taking his fair share of the bad nights. Breastfeeding aside, which obviously leads up the co-sleeping and feeding at night – I think you really do have to go through some short term pain to get this sorted, as it could easily go on for another year this way and a 2yr old getting defiant about his sleeping situation is so much worse than a one year old.

@Didimum

He does do his bit - if the older one wakes, he sorts that. He drives a lot for work so does need some sleep. What annoys me is that he really struggles to go to bed early. I go up about 9.30, he's often still up at 10.30/11 which I know isn't late by normal standards but I can't help but feel if he went to bed early like I did that would help us both bank a bit more sleep

I know a lot of this will beddown to sleep deprivation and having young DC (it is knackering), but get yourself to the GP for some blood tests as VitB/Iron/VitD/Thyroid can all cause crippling tiredness as well.

My DD didn't sleep through until 4 and so I very much remember those days and the overwhelming, bone aching tiredness that is ever pervasive. The only way we survived was by shift sleeping - I would deal with DD during the night & sleep when I could knowing I'd likely be woken up regularly but then DH would have her from 5/5.30 and I could get 2/3 hours of uninterrupted sleep before getting up.

@Notmydaughteryoubitch we used to do that when we had one. Not so easy with two. What were we thinking 🤔 🤣 though he is a delight!

I echo this - I spent the first year of my second dcs life thinking I was absolutely exhausted because I had a baby/two kids now. Turns out I was severely deficient in vit d and iron.

I think what doesn't help is I don't really agree with with sleep training. And all my friends sleep trained so they have very very little sympathy. Which is fine, but also they don't get that I don't have the desire to have a night out in London and how that would just break me right now!

@Meeb thing is, if they both sleep through, I feel amazing. I honestly feel like me again after a full nights sleep! So don't think it's that.

I’m slightly older than you (late 30’s) and my kids are all way older but I have 3 dcs! I had literally years and years of what you are going through. I was knackered all the time and wreaked. I’m still enjoying that my kids sleep through now and the youngest is 7 but it was literally years of broken sleep as with bad sleepers and 3 of them it went on for years .. It will get easier sleep-wise although I find now I’ve other challenges to deal with which I find tough tbh ..
I also have /had zero support from family , my dh is and was great though so even with breastfeeding he’d have to get up as I couldn’t easily go back to sleep after being woken.
I echo what another person said and look into your iron stores and see if you are deficient in any vits. You are also 36 with very young kids. I started to feel a bit older at 36 tbh , I felt something shift. There are so many threads on mn where posters say the felt a change or the start of peri-menopause at around 38/39 so that isn’t far off for you . But small kids are exhausting and constant and with work on top that’s very full-on op. I would try and do something now (although sometimes nothing solves stuff) but I agree that a defiant 2 year old is a lot harder to deal with than a one year old.

3 and 1 nearly killed me.

It's no wonder you're exhausted after 3 years of broken sleep plus two pregnancies and presumably years of breastfeeding on top.

If you're wanting to continue with the feeding and co sleeping then it'll probably carry on a while. Try and get a couple of spots in the schedule for you to sleep by yourself - a lie in at the weekend or whatever.

Why don't you believe in sleep training?

My two both slept through the night from 8 months old.

Everyone a lot happier for it

@Nowherehere1 your post made me chuckle as I want another baby and I actually think I must be mad 🤣

Thank you for your advice

They're so worth the tiredness but my god it's hard!

@LadyGrey33 we actually tried it with our first but I quickly decided it wasn't for me! I find it really hard to go against my gut with anything to do with parenting. My DH also felt the same. In a way I wish I could just get on board with it but I really can't! No judgement for those that do though, I'm jealous in a way 🤣

Well obviously YANBU to be tired

Which type of sleep training did you try? There's lots of gentle types. I think you have to think about your day time parenting. I know I couldn't loose my shit with them unless I had a decent amount of sleep.

Your 3 year old would definitely benefit from maybe one weekend concentrating on sleep training . Think of it as teaching him to self soothe rather than training . Why do you think he wakes up and csm you address that as he would also benefit from unbroken sleep. Then it's one down at least !

@Soonenough tbf he's normally ok, sometimes just has a nightmare and needs a cuddle to go back to sleep, can't find his water, or wants us to tuck him back in. So I don't think he needs sleep training, surely quite normal of 3 year olds?

I think my AIBU is - to not get on with life as normal? Do other mums as sleep deprived as me just go for nights out regardless and carry on life? I feel like I'm a failure as I can't seem to do both.

I have been there.

I second the blood test advice or just get a vitamin designed for nursing mums. You're likely depleted having two close in age and feeding at night. I was and iron in particular will make you feel absolutely on the floor.

I didn't do any controlled crying or anything like that but I did night wean my youngest earlier than the others. I started him off in his cot at the start of the night and then would bring him to cosleep later. Essentially what I did with that was stretch the time out. So I started with 11pm being the limit of when I'd bring him to bed and pushed this later over time. Because I was so tired I had no willpower or stamina, so I had to give myself "outs". Just about to swap to computer so will explain there.

Your DH is different to you and it might make him feel trapped and depressed to go to bed early.

I posted the same thing yesterday 🫠. My feedback was that it gets much better but this is a difficult time. Don't worry about being social etc, just survive!

I'm pretty much bone tired every day, so much so that I feel unwell. I only have one and it's going to stay that way I think as I'm not built for so little sleep. I have ulcers and cold sores and horrific dark circles that make me look like I'm dressing up for Halloween! My husband does his fair share, but I can't get back to sleep so just lay awake knowing I'll be exhausted the next day.

You're not alone lovely .

I actually love having 3 and my 3rd was my “ easiest” dcs but now they are older there are other challenges that I didn’t really foresee 😬

They are really hard ages - you are doing the best you can. Its survival mode for you at the moment, don't compare your situation to others. Things will get easier once the oldest is in school.

I'd forget about socialising for now but try and make a bit of time for exercise, even if its just a half hour walk round your town with headphones in, after the kids have been put to bed. Exercise is what really helped my energy levels more than anything. The time for socialising will come when you are through this tough phase.

Sorry I got distracted by the DC earlier but this was what I meant by giving myself "outs".

Basically any time I tried to commit to settling DC in their own rooms (by feeding to sleep then putting down) I would get frustrated and feel like it was never going to work and give up and bring them back to bed. So what I did in the end was give myself a target to aim for.

At first I tried to keep them in their own rooms until 11pm. And if I had 2 failed attempts to put them down in a row, or I counted 1 hour from the time that I first went into the room and they were still awake, or they woke up again less than 45 mins later, then I was "allowed" to give up and bring them into bed with me. Some of these rules ended up being redundant or I increased the requirements over time once I became more confident about being able to make it.

That just helped me to keep going and not give up too easily - when I could look at my watch and think OK - I'll just try another 15 minutes, or whatever, then it would feel achievable whereas keeping going for the whole of the rest of the night felt impossible and I might as well not even try.

I surprisingly found a lot that the point I was about to give up, when I did then realise I only had to try for another 15 mins, I was actually successful in putting them down again. Whether it's that I was simply prone to giving up just as something was about to work, or whether it was that I was really stressed and sending out some kind of stressed/desperate "vibes" and then I relaxed once I knew I didn't have long to go - I don't know.

In order to commit to my new plan I found some things to do on my phone to keep myself awake during the bits where I was sitting in their room trying to settle them. The most successful I found were simple but addictive games without too many ads - City 2048, Drop The Number, Solitaire and Suika Game were the some which worked for me. Or trashy formulaic novels - I would read things like Cathy Glass, or old childhood book series I had loved - if you google "Read XXX free" you can often find websites where they come up for free (try using an adblock browser just in case). It has to be unfamiliar enough to scratch an urge to see what happens next but easy enough to process when your brain is running on zombie mode.

I did this with the first two DC around age 2.5, but I did it with DC3 around 16mo (newly putting him into DC2's room) and it worked exactly the same, so I didn't need to wait. It did take longer than "standard" sleep training but I also wasn't comfortable with that so I was OK with it taking longer. It was knackering, but I was knackered anyway so it didn't make a huge amount of difference there. And once I was getting some chunks of sleep in my own bed without DC constricting my movement this also did help a lot.

First thing to establish if you haven't already is getting DC to do the bedtime-to-9:30 stretch in their own room - this is completely non disruptive to your own sleep so it's a nice easy first step. From there, the rest of the night can then go in chunks so maybe aim for 11pm as a goal, then midnight, then 1am, 2am etc. IME I didn't have to go past 2am - once I started aiming for 3am, they just slept through or at least MUCH better than before. And TBH once I got to 1am and once they got used to the concept of feeding then being put back into their cot, they also stopped waking up as often.

Lastly I know you said you feel better when they sleep through so you think it's not iron (or similar). And I do get that, but I also think that when you have a non sleeping DC and they sleep through - it feels amazing because it's different. It doesn't mean you're not deficient in iron, and if you are then it will be making this all so much worse. It is worth getting the blood test if you possibly can, because if you get it medically confirmed you can justify taking the massive iron supplements, which are dangerous to take if you're not iron deficient. If you don't have the spoons to make a GP appointment, then do try a nursing/pregnancy/women's health multivitamin at the very least. It can't hurt.