To be shit scared of DD turning 16?

[notsosweet16]

NC and I won’t go into too much detail as my ex is known to stalk me on here.

I have a DD who is not far off 16. When she was still very young I got a zero contact order through the court so that her father couldn’t have any contact with her. This is because he is incredibly abusive and dangerous, and has significant MH problems. These orders are practically never given out, but due to the evidence I had I managed to get one to protect DD. As with all court orders regarding child contact arrangements, this will end on her 16th birthday.

At the time that seemed forever away but now it’s looming and I’m terrified that there will be nothing stopping him from contacting DD. It seems nuts to me that at the most impressionable, rebellious age there will be nothing in place to protect her from an incredibly dangerous man. He can be very charming and manipulative.

She has no recollection of him at all (thank god). I feel completely powerless and the law won’t be on my side until after something happens, by which time it would be too late.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Honestly if I could afford to move to the other side of the world I’d do it.

Moving away wouldn't stop him contacting her and could only encourage her to rebel and seek him out. So in a way, that's better

Just talk to her. Let her know you think she's mature now. Don't have to go into details but she is only enough to know and be aware of manipulative people, to look out for signs etc

Be prepared to support her if she still wants contact, make sure she knows you are there to talk to if anything makes her feel uncomfortable

Have you still got the paperwork from the court order? If it's not too traumatic maybe she should see it as a last resort to persuade her to be on her guard?

Do you have a neutral family member who could talk to her? Someone who can’t be seen as someone who would have it in for her dad.

I would see an ideal person as a man who is not blood related to you, such as a family friend or brother in law. Someone who has no skin in the game from your daughter’s point of view.

Could she apply for a non-mol in her own name to start from when she turns 16?

Maybe say nothing unless he does get in touch. Worrying and warning her may make it all sound very interesting and exciting.

The issue with not telling her is that he may convince her she was taken away from him and op managed to convince a judge he was no good. And he may also manipulate her into meeting him in secret.

At 16 your dd knows a lot about the world but not enough to protect herself. She is mature enough to hear about how her father behaved and that he may try to establish contact. I think you should do as suggested and show your dd the court papers, explain the judge found him to be extremely dangerous to her growing up. I would also explain some of the techniques he used so as to disarm him. I would also do this now rather than wait. He may have plans on her birthday.

Hopefully this is just a mistake and the wrong post, otherwise this is creepy as hell

Please be honest with her. We have a friend in a very similar situation whose dd at 18 secretly went to find her father and she did it with no support and no real understanding of the past. She needs to know and she also needs support if she chooses contact which would be very hard for you.

What does she know about him?

Is she on sm?

Does he know where you live?

You need to tell her now so she has time to process it. Be honest with her.

If he's stalking you he could have had access to you both at anytime. He hasn't so I don't see why anything would change on her turning 16. Put it out of your mind.

Tell her the truth and show her the court order.

I lost the no contact at court but I've kept all the paperwork showing how abusive ex was. He gets his mother or gf to do contact so it's not been as terrible as I thought safety wise for my kids. But he constantly bad mouths me to them, I'm forever saying that's daddy opinion my opinion is very different/I don't remember it that way etc forever saying you are children that isn't your problem to worry about. I've never showed my kids the paperwork as they are still so young but when older teens if I need to defend myself I plan to show them them the court paperwork. I'm probably more likely to need to defend myself from them hating me for allowing contact because they already see he treats them bad to be honest. I absolutely will be telling them there are rapists on dads side and to avoid once the court order stopping the kids seeing them expires

I've often wondered about how appropriate it is for kids to know this stuff. It's upsetting for them. I may not have to as my kids can see for themselves, but I think upsetting paperwork is better than being abused or hurt. Your dd has no memory of him, he's sure to tell her some story where you kept her from him you are the evil one etc, she needs to be prepared for that. And you explaining could be lies so show her the court order and summing up statements from the judge. Enough proof that your story is real preferably with the details left out that will bring trauma just reading it.

Thanks for replies. Yes he does know where we live, but as far as I know he doesn’t live near us. DD does know bits of the story, I have tried to drip feed it to her in an age appropriate way, and once she was old enough to want to meet friends etc without me I had to be pretty frank with her.

Showing her the court paperwork is a really good idea. And I still have the files and files of evidence if that’s not enough.

She is on SM but I make sure she doesn’t use her real name and keeps her accounts private.

@RedHelenB as it stands if he contacts either of us he could go to prison. That carries on forever for me, but only for DD until she turns 16.

@Humphhhh no she couldn’t apply for one unless he actually does something, they won’t give non mol orders as a preventative thing.