Having it all. Who decided women want it all?!

[Helladay]

Anyone else just fed up of doing everything? I hear so much talk of women “having it all”. It almost seems a competition to who can have the craziest schedule without complete burnout.

I work. I do all the childcare. I do all the cooking and cleaning. I do it all and the truth is I’m exhausted. I am not living I am existing and simply trying to get through the days. Incompetent ex partner left when he decided children were actually hard work.

Who actually decided women want to have it all?!

Define having it all.

"Having it all" as a slogan/aspiration meant having both children and a career. Many women manage that. I do. I have both of those things in part because I don't do it all. Single parenting is a hard grind, I'm really sorry. It is definitely hard to do both all the parenting and all the working, but that's always been true and hasn't got more true because women have fought for careers and motherhood to be compatible.

I don't want to have it all!

I remember when I first met mil and she introduced me to others as the 'career woman' who loves her job etc because her own daughter was a SAHM and she assumed I wasn't out of choice. Actually I'm not a 'career woman" at heart. I'm really not! I'd love nothing more than to be a SAHM, enjoy my children and not feel stressed all the time.

But one income doesn't cut it anymore! So, I have to have my 'career' (boring job I'd drop in an instant if I won the lottery!)

It is v v v hard trying to be a great mum, great wife, great daughter, great friend, great employee, great cleaner etc...... Mainly I'm just crap at all of it because it's too much! Waaaay too much

Women 'having it all' does not mean being the household mug OP, if you had it all you'd have 50/50 support with the kids and house for one thing.

Ah just seen it's because your a single parent, in which case having it all in terms of what you mean isn't as realistic unless you can afford a cleaner etc.

Nobody tells men they shouldn't want "it all".
And at least you can manage on your own now the crally ex has left, isn't that better than the alternatives?

Having it all is absolutely not about doing it all.

In my personal, largely exhausting experience, if we as women want to "have it all," we usually have to "do it all" too.

YANBU.

I’ve never wanted to work, always wanted to be a SAHM. Sadly I’m also a single parent so it will never be achievable for me! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to ‘have it all’ but personally it’s never something that’s resonated with me. I have no idea where the concept originated from or what the agenda was behind it.

You do all the childcare, cooking and cleaning and have a deadbeat ex that you had kids with… I don’t think anyone would say you have it all? 🤣🤣🤣

I think I have it all. However, I stopped at two children because I couldn't cope with more and I'm a full-time teacher without responsibility because I didn't want the extra work. My car is old but functional and we could have a bigger house but this one is fine. I don't want to run myself into the ground so I do have it all but at a level I'm happy with.

Before anyone starts in on the good old imaginary days where women wandered from room to room in an apron while the menfolk looked after them - women have always worked for pay, to ensure if their husband deserted or abused them and their kids, or spent the family money on whoring, drink and drugs, they could feed themselves and their children.

The main difference now is that more women can get well paid jobs instead of only crappy ones where they have to take the kids with them or bring the work home to their kids, or leave their kids alone at home, which was very standard and still is throughout the world.

We don't live in a 1950s American sitcom. Only a tiny minority of very privileged women were ever in the stay at home with children and be financially looked after category.

And by the way, the whole "gin is mother's ruin' thing was as a direct backlash to women making some good solid money making gin as a home business and selling it. Had to be taken off them, because keeping women poor, desperate and needy works for men.

https://www.amazon.com/Women-Have-Always-Worked-American/dp/025208358X?

https://medium.com/lucid-nightmare/a-brief-history-of-gin-feminism-and-despair-a47155e45168

I feel like some women can have it all. Not to sound gloaty (which I never do it in real life) but I have a loving supportive dh. One healthy happy child (who does have anxiety but is getting support), a very flexible career (to doctoral level that I've worked hard for) but means I now work part time and term time and still earn a great wage. My dh does as much if not more housework than me (I earn more than him even part time) though I do the cooking and general life admin. I feel extremely lucky and privileged but it's not unachievable. Quite a few of my friends are like this and outearn their dh.

From what I've seen though I'd say the main stressor is more than one dc in terms of finance and just mental capacity, especially when 2 parents work ft.

Being a single parent though must be relentless and on a different level. Especially if money is an issue.

Good point on the “doing it all”.

I just feel women are suppose to aspire to want it all though. The career, the kids, the being this superhuman that can take on everything.

I get the comments from friends about how amazing I am to do everything and it’s spoken like it should be a badge of honour when all I can think is ‘I am barely keeping my head above water’. I don’t want to do everything. This is not a life I would choose.

I have never had a supportive and present partner to help so I guess I know no different. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to even have a partner who did not work away from home more of the year than not. I guess the key is having someone to share the drudgery chores of life with?

"Having it all" would include a husband - the phrase was never intended to include single parenthood (I say that as a single parent).

Actually though, it's just as well you did "have it all" when you were married/cohabiting, because at least when you became a single parent you had a job.

Depends what you mean by having it all.

The high flying, 80 hour week , well paid career and the kids and the immaculate house and the social life and the husband and .. and ... and?

Yeah that's not a real thing. Even in movies/tv shows something has to give , normally it's the kids not actually featuring for more than a few minutes here and there. Or the relationship is crap /ended. Or the job is in jeopardy. Unlike movies there aren't random saving angels, 24h crèches or exes that double as nannies.

In the real world it became a ridiculous expectation of work as if you don't have kids and parent as if you don't work. Absolute bullshit.

If I’m deadly honest i don’t want it all either.

spent years carving out a decent career.

had kids.

now part time parent part time career. I’m basically a bit naff at my job (because constantly worrying about the kids, illness, extra curricular activity, phone ringing and seeing that it’s school etc) and a bit naff at being a mum (absolutely knackered when I get home from work because work is exhausting)

id rather have one or the other.

obviously now I’ve got kids I would choose kids. I constantly wish I was a SATM but…, not possible

on top of this looking good and keeping fit too???

no thanks i just CBA!

Who actually decided women want to have it all?!

Who told you this? Genuine question. No one has ever told me I can have it all. I don't even know where this urban myth came from.

Reminds me of Greys Anatomy.
It bemuses me that these surgeons, all stunningly beautiful (who are single through various dramatic ways) manage to work full time (sometimes 24/7), just drop their kid at the magic nursery on site that is staffed 24/7 and accept any kid at the drop of a hat at any time of day…

But it seems to have worked for years for men to have it all; a family and a career (i.e. financial independence)...

The problem isn't with having it all (I.e. having children and financial independence). It's with the unfair expectation of the contribution of men and women to child rearing whether together or split up.

I don’t think anyone has said all women do want it all, but they should certainly be able to have it all if they want it, by having the support of society, their workplace and their partner to make that achievable.

Having it all often means a high income, however, whether you’re a man or a woman.

A woman has it all
when her DH does his all.

It’s vital for successful
women to have a functional partner or they burn out/chuck out/both.

Lady Hale credits her DH with holding the fort for years while she was Head of Supreme Court.

Well yes, for women having it all, means doing it all.

And I'm going to be flamed for this, but a lot of that pressure and expectations come from other women.

It became a well-known idea back in the late 70s, early 80s (when I was launching my career) because women were still being held back at work by the expectation they'd leave as soon as they got pregnant. Women only needed 'little jobs' for 'pin money'.

We were saying no, actually, we can do big jobs for real money. If we have children - well, why not? Men do, and you even pay them more because they have families. Cue loads of headlines wailing "Can Women Have It All?" The answer, everywhere except Cosmopolitan magazine, was of course No. Silly women, who do they think is going to raise the kids and make the dinner?

Women's riposte: "Fuck you, we can have careers, families and lives. Just need some decent support with that - looking at you, men, and you employers!"

This is still an ongoing battle. Patriarchy isn't giving up its all-purpose support system without a fight.

And I'm going to be flamed for this, but a lot of that pressure and expectations come from other women.

I totally agree with this, unfortunately.