101 made me cry

[mom87]

NC

I've previously been in contact with police re my ex partner. Many times actually. There was DV in the relationship.

We had a child together, which he denied was his. DNA test proved this wasn't the case.

He had very little contact with child for most of their life. But decided he wanted to be a part at almost 2. Not on BC. I saw family solicitor. Advised that I could give reasonable contact if I wished but down to him to apply for PR or CAO if he wanted.

Offered regular contact but he'd skip days or want to change at short notice. Unreliable. He'd ask for unsuitable days and then get angry when I said they don't work and suggest alternative that work for DC. I haven't been preventing contact.

This started him off sending a volume of texts and emails. Stating untrue things. Saying I'm preventing contact, threats to come over and take child, solicitors etc.

At first I responded calmly- I'm not preventing contact, you are offered these days to see child, you are welcome to get a solicitor and make formal arrangements that's probably for the best.

Despite my response which I think was reasonable, he continues to send these emails and messages all with the same or similar content- next week I'm getting a solicitor, you have 7 days/48hrs/some period of time to give me when I want or I will do this (fine), I am coming to take my child on x date, be home or else.

Not threatening threatening but I find the content of them and the amount and consistency to be distressing.

I've already told him to get a solicitor and arrange formally so it should surely be a given after the first couple of emails with the same threats, that I wasn't going to respond further.

But week in work out he's just sending the same stuff. I have never heard from a solicitor so believe it's just threats to cause me harassment and distress.

I contracted the police after him saying he was coming and to be in or else.

Officer I saw was very nice and said it is harassment?

But I decided to go down the route on a non-molestation order which I am still in the process of sorting with a solicitor. So police closed the case with my agreement.

I was told to contact police if anything else happens.

Today I had three more messages and emails with the same stuff.

I rang 101 to report as I thought it needed to be documented. I'm worried he is going to turn up at my house as he has done before.

The man on the phone was awful. He said it's not harassment, that I am preventing child contact and he has every reason to be messaging and emailing.

He advised I send a message (again) not to contact me and to go through solicitors. Which I told him I've done before.

The other police officer I saw recently told me not to respond to his messages.

I did what the man on 101 said and my ex has immediately sent several messages despite me being explicitly clear not to contact me directly anymore and to go through solicitors as he's already been told to.

The man on 101 said it's not a crime, and when I started getting tearful (because I am finding it distressing), he said I was just upset because he wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear!

So I feel like my ex is just forever allowed to keep messaging me saying I best do this or he's getting a solicitor, I best be home or else... he's going to just keep doing this every week.

I get these messages when I'm at work, I've got him archived and his emails sent to a folder but I feel worried opening my phone. It's upsetting me but it's okay?

I can't apply for CAO myself as he hasn't got PR and he has to apply himself for that.

Block him on your phone but don't block his emails. Keep sending them to the folder. Stop contact and let him take you to court.

Keep a diary of his behaviour, using text messages and emails as evidence. If he becomes aggressive then call the police, make sure you note all reference numbers.

Get a video doorbell installed. You can contact Rights of Women for legal advice and perhaps contact your local domestic abuse organisation for support.

I've done all of that. Just not blocked the text I just archived.

He is aggressive in a sense, to me it's quite aggressive and threatening to turn up announced or threaten it.

The police have made me feel silly. I feel so scared and alone.

If it was 101 you called, was it actually an officer you spoke to or a call handler? Did you get put through to one/did an actual officer call you back?

If not, you just spoke to a staff call handler, they aren't at all trained to give crime advice.

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 They are 24/7 and can give you further advice.

Ok the call handler wasn’t great and you would be within your rights to complain.

How is the application for a non-molestation order going?
Why did you stop your criminal complaint before you had a non mol in place when it was clear he wasn’t going to stop?

What I would do is call 101 again and provide the crime number for your previous harassment case. State that it is continuing and you now wish to proceed with a criminal complaint.

The call handlers are not very good. I rang the other night to report a car stopped in the inside lane of a motorway. They wanted to know colour make and model of car. I obviously did not know any of that as it was completely dark and I only just avoided hitting the car . They wouldn't take me seriously at all and kept laughing and acting like I was making it up as they could see I wasn't on the motorway myself. Well obviously not as I pulled off before making the call.
I was only trying to prevent an accident.
Anyway I wouldn't worry about this 101 person. It's just one incompetent call handler. Your non mol order should stop him? Ring the police again if he does anything scary, otherwise block him on phone and don't check your emails so often

He was ridiculous OP. You'd been told to contact the police with anything further. How many times do we see on MN where someone hasn't logged with the police because they don't want to make a fuss, and it comes back to bite them!

Personally I'd make a complaint. He was totally off the mark in giving 'advice' that he wasn't trained to give.

Call handlers are actually trained to give crime advice, that's literally part of their job! However some are much better than others and they should never laugh at you or make you feel bad and every single call should be logged. You could always call back and hope you get a different call handler. Sorry you are going through such a bad time x

The police officer said the options were to either go down the route on a non-mol, or if I make a statement they can either arrest him or invite him for an invite and depending on the result of that they could possibly put in bail conditions for him not to contact me.

I opted to be referred for the non-mol as it seemed the least aggressive of the two. As a starting point. I was worried about escalating things.

His last threat to turn up he actually didn't, and the police contacted me yesterday and asked about closing the case so I agreed. And then today this happened.

The call handler made me feel so so small. He said contact a family solicitor which I have already done.

The officer dealing only told me yesterday to get back in contact if any further issue, so I followed that advice.

I know she's off work today.

But he wording yesterday (via text) was to the affect that I agreed to close the investigation at this time, and no take things further, but if there are further incidents I am to get in contact with police?

So call back, give them your crime number, state you wish to have it reopened as the harassment is continuing and you would like them to take positive action.

I gave him the crime number, he said it's been closed so any contact from now on to consider it a "new incident", to tell my ex again not to contact and to go through a solicitor.

Which I did for him to completely ignore.

I can't phone back again tonight as I'm too emotional. The man on the phone said my ex is doing nothing wrong, there is no crime for police to deal with and it's reasonable for my ex to contact me regarding his child.

He said if he turns up at my address and there is a breach of the peace they can help then.

I'm scared to be at home tomorrow now. I have no idea if he will actually turn up, I don't want confrontation and I'm scared.

He usually hides his car down a side road when he comes too (I've told police this and my ex has told me himself he doesn't this so I can't see by looking outside whether he is there or not).

So locked in my house I'm scared and leaving my house I'm scared.

I can only say it so many times that you need to ring back and speak to someone else. You can also make a complaint about the call handler by going via your forces website.

I feel like I'm losing my mind after speaking to police this evening.

Is it even harassment or am I being ridiculous?

He is repeatedly contacting you against your wishes and you are fearful of what he might do. Yes, it is harassment. He wouldn’t get any serious consequences if he’s not threatening violence etc and it’s a first offence but you are right to report 100%

Like I said I could understand one or two emails or messages as reasonable I suppose, but I've had at least 10 very long emails in the space of 3 weeks, all with similar threats.

No answer is an answer isn't it?

It would be clear the contact wasn't wanted especially when I've advised him before to speak to legal as unlikely to be resolved between us.

That's apart from all the text messages I've received too. Again no answer is an answer.

I feel so silly for even asking for help now. I told the man I've seen a family solicitor but I can't start the ball rolling myself as he's got no PR which he needs to apply for, he knows this, but hasn't done. So I'm totally stuck and he can just keep doing this?

I would call the National Domestic Abuse helpline as recommended above. They will have more specialist knowledge and advice.

You should absolutely complain about the 101 guy. Hopefully they keep recordings

Can I offer a few thoughts?
Stop reading his emails and texts. Take some time to compose a message to him outlining that comms can only be made through one new email address. Can you ask someone to monitor that for you so you don't have to?

Outline when and where contact will be availiable on your terms (or rather your child's). Make the pick up point away from your home and don't be there at handover. If he doesn't pick up on time, there's a 30 min grace period before the child is returned to you. If he repeatedly misses contact you can cease it and let him take you to court. You did try. No choices or discussion. Contact is for the benefit of the child, not you or him so it should be when the child is available. Need to make a change does he? Not a chance chum, you burnt that bridge.

Get some security at home like cameras to feel a bit safer. Stress to him that he is under no circumstances to visit your home.

Remember you can only harrass you if you allow him to. Think about doing the Freedom Programme to give yourself more confidence in yourself. Get the non mol order.

You absolutely do not have to have any contact with him going forward unless there's an emergency. Make sure schools and nursery are aware there's a history of DV and you are the primary carer. He may eff off in time in which case can I strongly suggest you don't try to initiate contact. Kids without this kind of parental stress are much more settled. Remeber if he plays stupid games, he wins stupid prizes.

I have really tried, because I didn't want to be unreasonable. I offered him regular days/times (my child is settled in nursery and I work full time and main carer), but after only a couple of times he was unreliable, wanted to changed, couldn't do the days due to work, friends birthdays, holidays (more than one).

He always put everything else above seeing our child, I did accommodate swaps where I could but it just wasn't working, it's not fair for him to say he can't do it and want to change with a couple of days notice when I'm giving him regular set times. I even said it could build up to more.

I don't think any of it is my fault.

He's even said in his most recent messages that his actions going forward will "include court, but not be limited to this" as he has "safeguarding concerns" and concerns that I am "harming" our child.

It feels really threatening and coercive to me. I know I have nothing to worry about, I'm a really good Mum. I have a great career, good friends, support network, nice home, car, holidays, my child is happy and thriving and has everything they need. Such a happy, bubbly child.

I'm so worried the effect that this will have on them though.

I've in fact always offered him contact since our child was born, but he denied he was the father and went prolonged periods with no contact, all his choice.

This has all mainly started I believe due to me going to CMS as he wasn't financially supporting his child.

Like I said previously he was controlling and abusive in our relationship, including physically which I reported.

I just felt so little understanding today of the fact that he's trying to control/cause distress to me now through our child.

Sadly domestic abusers are everywhere, it could even be that the call handler is either an abuser or a man who has been on the negative end of a child custody arrangement. Either way, you are not wrong to report, he was wrong to pass what sounded more like a personal than a professional judgement, he isn’t a solicitor. Trust your instincts. Better to overreact than to brush it off with someone who has a history of abuse.

Also, he doesn’t need to have PR for you to take him to court, you both just need to agree and accept that he is the father. Though they may order a DNA test. But I wouldn’t start the process he should be the one to do it if he wants access.

Tell him you'll stop the CMS claim if he leaves you and your child alone. It sounds like you're doing well for yourself and don't need the money. Your child (and you) will be happier without his 'father' in his life. If this is how he treats women (and the mother of his child) why would you want him to be in your child's life?!

He sounds like an arrogant, abusive twat and he'll probably jump at the chance of not paying anything.

Keep all evidence of how he treated you, messed you around with contact and threatened to take you to court (but never actually did as that would cost money) so you can show your child when they're an adult why their father wasn't around.

I'm worried if I ask him if he will leave us be if I drop CMS, that if the matter does go to court then I will actually look like the manipulative one and like I am trying to prevent contact.

In October I'd offered him the first 3 weekends that he could have DC one day (he hasn't been reliable enough or know them enough yet to have overnight but I said we could build up to this).

But none of these weekends are suitable as he's gone on back to back holidays with his friends!

The mind boogles that the police call handler said I'm preventing contact?

I might contact women's aid today. It's just a mess.