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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship problems

11 replies

QuirkyFox · 01/11/2024 13:31

My partner has a son from his first marriage and has half residency and all is good with how it works. My partner and I live together so I look after his son when he’s with us. However what I need to know is am I being unreasonable with how he has contact with his ex wife.
When my partner and I first met his phone was always on full volume and if she messaged he wouldn’t open it in front of me or if she called avoid answering in front of me. He would wait till I was out the way before he opened the message or went out to phone her, sometimes leaving it till the next day to get in touch with her. I thought it strange but tried to ignore it. Well it started to annoy me so I questioned it and his reply was that he doesn’t want to bring shit in to our relationship but that’s when his phone went on silent!!! Now I do believe it is all innocent and about his son… I am not questioning what it’s about at all as I have seen messages that he’s shown me but it’s the way it’s done. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It actually makes me distrust him that all contact has to be secretive and basically behind my back. Putting his phone on silent so I don’t even know whether there’s contact until he tells me what’s been arranged is strange!! I am very open about contact with my children’s father. I speak to him in front of my partner and open messages.

OP posts:
Whothefuckdoesthat · 01/11/2024 13:38

Assuming you’ve never given him any reason to believe that you could be irrationally jealous, I think you need to talk to him again. Tell him that you don’t care that they have contact and that it would be weird if they didn’t have contact. What you’re finding difficult to understand is why he’s trying to keep it hidden from you. Tell him you don’t have a problem with her messaging about their child and that the only ‘shit’ being brought into the relationship is being caused by him.

ETA, some people always feel life is a bit more exciting when they’ve got secrets or separate compartments in their life, so nobody is totally certain what they’re up to. If he is one of these, they’re always more trouble than they’re worth.

Original poster
QuirkyFox · 01/11/2024 13:53

I’ve never given him reason to think I’m the jealous type and he should absolutely have contact. I’ve got angry about it a few times when arrangements have been made without consulting me when it actually affects me. This child has 3 parents, I know I’m only step but I do feel I should have a say on just some things if it’s going to have an impact on me as I am the one looking after him as my own and taking him to and from school when he is with us. I have spoken to him about it several times but he appears to think he is quite right with what he’s doing and doesn’t care about how it’s making me feel.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 01/11/2024 15:49

Now, if you said HE had all the caring responsibilities for the child; I'm fully on board with the reasoning to maintain the separate. However, as you undertake caring responsibilities; then there will be elements of the agreements (and contacts) that you need to be aware of.

I think you need to bring it up that his way of handling the situation isn't the best way for you because it's creating an environment of mistrust amd subterfuge.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/11/2024 16:03

This sounds normal to me. He doesn’t want to be fielding or responding to non-urgent communications from his ex which might make him annoyed or frustrated or snappy when you’re around. You challenged him on why he doesn’t answer her and he told you. He’s put her on silent because doesn’t want you to know every time she gets in touch and start asking “is that your ex? What does she want? Why is she calling?” when he’s already told you he doesn’t want to think about her or respond until he’s alone. To me, it’s not secretive, it’s just keeping a separation between aspects of his life. Personally I’d be more annoyed by your approach of reading and responding to contact from your ex, unless urgent, right away tbh: but I generally keep my phone on silent when I’m with people and don’t call or text, because I find it rude to do otherwise.

Original poster
QuirkyFox · 01/11/2024 16:05

toomuchfaff · 01/11/2024 15:49

Now, if you said HE had all the caring responsibilities for the child; I'm fully on board with the reasoning to maintain the separate. However, as you undertake caring responsibilities; then there will be elements of the agreements (and contacts) that you need to be aware of.

I think you need to bring it up that his way of handling the situation isn't the best way for you because it's creating an environment of mistrust amd subterfuge.

He is very aware of how it makes me feel yet he continues. To be honest it is causing problems in our relationship as I’m beginning to wonder what else he hides!

OP posts:
YellowRoom · 01/11/2024 16:09

I'm not really sure what you're saying about the phone thing. But I am wondering why you are taking care of DSS and why you are not considered when arrangements are made for DSS to be with you. Why is DP not caring for his son?

Original poster
QuirkyFox · 01/11/2024 16:19

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/11/2024 16:03

This sounds normal to me. He doesn’t want to be fielding or responding to non-urgent communications from his ex which might make him annoyed or frustrated or snappy when you’re around. You challenged him on why he doesn’t answer her and he told you. He’s put her on silent because doesn’t want you to know every time she gets in touch and start asking “is that your ex? What does she want? Why is she calling?” when he’s already told you he doesn’t want to think about her or respond until he’s alone. To me, it’s not secretive, it’s just keeping a separation between aspects of his life. Personally I’d be more annoyed by your approach of reading and responding to contact from your ex, unless urgent, right away tbh: but I generally keep my phone on silent when I’m with people and don’t call or text, because I find it rude to do otherwise.

Thank you for your honesty and I take on board what you are saying. Firstly there is actually minimal contact with my ex as we have everything sorted and not really any need for much contact unless it is important. Secondly he has put everyone on silent… not just her. The amount of important calls he’s missed. I would like to add due to his phone being on silent just to hide she’s calling made him completely unaware that his son had been rushed to hospital over 15 hours before. Yet it still remains on silent…
I can’t help that it causes me distrust

OP posts:
Original poster
QuirkyFox · 01/11/2024 16:41

He has been welcomed into the family with open arms and I do for him what I do for my children. I work around the children yet if dad were to do it he would have to go in to childcare which I feel would isolate and not include him properly or his dad would only be able to work school hours. She persuades him to comply with whatever she wants

OP posts:
bluenotebook · 07/11/2024 12:31

i dont understand what the issue is? Do you think there is something going on? Personally I don’t like to shove my ex in my partners face. We don’t call, we deal with things to do with the kids via text but I don’t always respond or read them immediately and my partner is the same, he calls his ex when I am not there and will respond if it’s urgent and I have no issue with this as I don’t particularly want to be involved with their relationship. She is an ex for a reason.

bluenotebook · 07/11/2024 12:32

Also I ALWAYS have my phone on silent, I rely on my watch and the vibration to alert me to calls/messages

1989whome · 09/11/2024 13:14

My ex used to do this, sort of made out he couldn't stand his ex (has DD with her) but he always made time to go help and have secret conversations, knew everything that was happening in her life. We have a ds together and he's had a baby with his new partner and guess what? He does the same to her 😂 he will literally talk to me all the time but if she's around he pretends he dislikes me. It's weird AF 😂 also he did cheat to, not with the ex but still. I think the deciet is definitely a warning sign. One that I totally missed, hard lesson to learn but I will never forget it. Some people are just really good at justifying how snakey they are.

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