To not get a Christmas gift for my mum??

[Motomum23]

My mum and I have a really distant relationship- we were NC for many years - last year I went to a lot of time and effort to make a lovely make up bag (hand made and very professional looking) in a style that I felt would suit her and filled it with nice hand creams etc. She sent gifts for my kids and nothing for me. The year before I put a lot of thought into her gift and she sent me a pair of her old earrings (I don't have pierced ears).
She's just asked me what to get my kids and I've made suggestions but WIBU to just not get her anything?? Or does buying my kids gifts mean I really ought to send something?

Don't do it. If you're feeling generous help your kids pick out small gifts to send from them x

Send her a box of chocolates or a framed photo of the kids "with love from the grandchildren". No need to gift her something from you if you don't get anything from her.

Get her something from the kids.

Discuss with her beforehand whether you and she are exchanging gifts Or agree with her that you are not.

Your DC should get her something if she is buying for them

Her "old earrings" may have been more valuable to her than they were to you. In her mind, she may have been passing on a treasured possession rather than fobbing you off with a bit of unwanted trash.

I’d buy something from the kids, but I wouldn’t go to any huge effort to tailor it to her, or get her anything specifically from me. Every time you put effort into getting something for her, and she doesn’t reciprocate that effort, it’s going to hurt you.

I agree with just getting something from the grandkids. Framed photo is nice as a pp suggested plus chocolates. Something you don’t put any emotional energy into.

Another vote for a photo of the grandchildren in a frame, or sponsor a donkey in a donkey sanctuary for her!

Thanks all - navigating a strained relationship always leaves me wondering what's right and wrong. I know you don't give to get back but she didn't even thank me for my gift last Xmas.

Framed photo is a great idea. I think you need to not invest too much emotionally, so if you get something, spend a small amount wrap it up and forget about it. Don’t invest too much of yourself.

Regift the earrings back to her, put in as much effort as she does. I don't think you need to get her anything at all, but if you do maybe something small and inexpensive

Get the kids to draw her a picture or something. That should do it.

Get the earrings valued. If they're valuable put them somewhere safe till you're ready to sell them. Don't feel guilty about selling them. She doesn't want them, neither do you.

Don't buy her gifts if she doesn't buy for you. Get her something modest from the grandchildren if she buys for them.

It's quite awkward. My parents havent given us birthday or Christmas presents for years, but clearly expect from us. Im not sure what the answer is really.

The grown ups in my family don’t be each other presents anymore we just buy for the children but I will get simply things like slippers, pjs or chocolates from my dc’s to my parents. For example while sort my dads laundry the other day I noticed that all his socks have holes in so for Christmas the dc’s will be getting him new socks and making him a card.

If she’s buying for the kids you should get her something in return, even if it’s from your kids. Lots of people switch to not buying for the adult once they have children so I don’t think it’s anything personal why she isn’t buying for you.

You need to stop trying to make personalised gifts for someone you are no longer close with, it’s not appropriate to the relationship you now have with each other and it’s causing you hurt. Get her something generic from you and/or something personalised (like a framed photo) from the kids.