To worry about what my ds toddlers future holds

[rainingitspouring2]

My ds is nearly 3. I am finding being around him challenging on all levels and it's makes me feel so sad. All day the only thing he communicates is his wants or should I say demands. His patience is zero and he is quick to anger, hit, scream, smash his room up if I put him on time out (which I don't like doing and tried to avoid doing but some boundaries and punishment needs to be set now I feel).
My older child 4 is caring, engaging, endearing, polite, respectful he's had is moments at times dont get me wrong but never hit me in his life. So I know it's not my parenting as I've raised them exactly the same and they are close in age.

The thing that is upsetting is I end up being negative towards him after a full day of his extreme behaviour and family do not warm to him either, neither do nursery teachers and other mum friends.

Did anyone have a young child like this? Did things change? I feel like he already has this reputation as unlikeable and unpleasant to be around so I worry he will be unable to shake it and this will lead to further aggression and depression/mental health down the line. Can anyone give me any suggestions on what to do? AIBU to think such consistent upsetting behaviour for him and us is going to effect him long term?

Children's behaviour is communication. He is unhappy, have you reached out for any help? One of my sons was very challenging but we have finally turned a corner aged 5. All the patience and love you have to give him he needs, he will be picking up on people not wanting to be around him, the people who are supposed to love him the most in the world. I know it's tough as parents but please try and get some help

I'm sorry OP, that sounds so hard 💐

No direct experience with DS, but a few of his friends were like this at that age and have mellowed out a bit now. I think starting school helps!

Who would I reach out to? The GP?

Is he in nursery they can help or yes the gp. Its easier and quicker to get behavioural help before they start school from experience

All kids are different.
My ds was like this. Okay now aged 6. Takes time to learn to self regulate and maintain self control.

Time out in his room isn’t working? Try something else. Maybe being trapped in a room with his big, overwhelming, ugly feelings is too much for him.

Keep your patience, set the boundaries, make sure he clears up (you can assist) and says sorry when he has had a smashy session or behaved badly, give him a hug after he has lost his temper as those feelings can be upsetting. Teach him how to deal with his frustration step by step.

Yes 3 days a week. He is not as bad there and mostly quiet and obedient they say. I will speak to his key worker anyway I think and see what they suggest in terms of referrals?

Well done you for admitting this OP.
As others say, he could well grow out of it. School is a rude awakening for a lot of children and you could well find you have a much nicer child in a few years time. Doesn’t help you now of course. In the meantime, be as firm as possible.

This might sound silly but by firm do you mean if he demands and I explain no and he loses his mind just stick with the no and not give in. Sorry I know this sounds silly but I am unsure how to navigate this sometimes as he escalates so much when his need or demand isn't met

How's his sleep, and his diet?

Not silly at all.

Pretty much yes. Doesn’t get anything if he isn’t using his words. Praise for good behavior and privilege removal for bad.
I wouldn’t put him in his room for bad behavior. It gives mixed messages. One minute you are saying go to your room and play or sleep and the next it’s the punishment zone. Better a naughty step/time out room.

Try time in rather than time out.

You're not a bad parent. But you definitely haven't raised each child the same. For a start, younger DS has always had an older sibling.

Think what hills you need to die on.
What is non- negotiable, what can give way. Before you say no if no is going to cause issue. Offer choices...eg: if he has to go in the car seat, does he want to climb in or does he want you to put him in? (You get your desired outcome, he gets choice)

Picture timetable may be? (Now, next, then)

Keep well fed/watered/temperature regulated (emergency glucose tablets, followed by biscuit, followed by complex carbs at one stage,after school) Mine still gets hungry, inherited it from his mum and my dad

Look out for sensory issues. This might be a cause.

Reduce demands. (Stuff that he really does not have to do) You may have to think differently to how you treated your other kid.

Name feelings.

Deep pressure might help. (Firm hug)

There's a book called the Explosive child which is supposed to be really good.

Neither great tbh. Likes to snack and salty or sugary food. Offer plenty of the good/healthy and actively encourage. Still wakeful and wanting boob at night

It will be difficult for him that his older sibling doesn’t have the same regulation issues so may further drive him into thinking he is a bad child and elder sibling is the good/favoured one. So praise any small thing he does that is good to reinforce. When he tantrums try to focus on yourself and not really think about what he is doing (unless he is harming someone). Focus on you staying calm and eventually it will help him to be calmer. My DSS is nearly 10 and struggles a lot, pretty sure he has ADHD and he has also been through a lot of trauma but I’ve found the advice around parenting an ADHD child really helpful - don’t get drawn in, any attention is good attention to them so try to be as calm and consistent as you can and just let them know you’re there when they are ready to calm down. Natural consequences like broken toys are thrown away and not replaced, messes to be cleaned up, etc etc. Our DD’s nursery also calls it ‘thinking time’ rather than time out which I think is quite good.

Do not allow a 3 year old to smash up their room.

He needs the security of knowing you are in charge and in control and will take responsibility. You are bigger than he is - you stop him. Look up how to safely hold him to prevent him hurting himself and others, and redirect him to wrestle/punch a pillow etc or run in the garden if he needs a physical release.

Keep a track of what situations trigger his behaviour.

My children were worst at this age when tired - it completely removed their ability to regulate or cope. Does he get plenty of sleep and a regular sleep routine?

Cut screens as well if you can.

He might like sugary and salty food but he can't get it unless you provide it. Don't.

I'd really really work on the sleep. Its so important at this age with behaviour. Mine were like different children when they had slept well.

Im going to go against the grain here and say don't go over kill offering choices.

I actually think too much choice and control makes kids anxious. Its comforting knowing parents are in charge, it feels safe and secure. Don't build choices into everything. Decision fatigue is a real thing

He's already noticed that everyone prefers his golden child brother. You need to break that cycle and parent the child you have. They clearly both don't need parenting the same, so start doing something differently.

What does he get attention for? If its usually negative, try to get positive with him.

Don't feed the narrative that his brother is perfect/good and he isn't. If relatives start to comment, come back with a positive. "Y was good at X earlier".

Do you think he is neuro diverse ?

Could you bring him to an osteopath as sometimes they can be effective in bringing calm. Did he have a difficult birth as sometimes there may still be fall out. I would look at options like that. And of course think of autism as some of those traits are ringing a bell. Try to parent him supposing there is something amiss as that may help you be more merciful and realise its not his fault. Read up on stuff that helps children with emotional issues as you may find little tips that help.

Just to say I have similar with my 3yo and it's also my second DC. She gets in a rage over something uncontrollable - eg because she can't hold her bag while putting her hands in car seat straps- and then takes 20 mins of screaming and hitting me to calm down. I just wait with her and tell her not to hit, and eventually she calms down and wants a cuddle. I ask her to say sorry later in the day when she's calm. I wish I had a better technique. This morning I was late for work and was getting some looks like a kidnapper as I tried to bundle her safely into the car while she held onto the door and screamed 'LET ME GO'....

Yes GP or health visitor as they can look into anything that might be causing the behaviour eg hearing issues, tummy pain as well as any assessments (at 2 he might be too young).

The explosive child is good, but I think most people would struggle with it with a 2 year old as the examples given are very verbal.

What might be more useful for now is the book Big Baffling Behaviours by Robyn Gobbel. It's newish but it's been pretty transformative for my middle DS. Or there's another new one that looks quite good called "When the naughty step makes things worse" but I've only read the Amazon preview of that.

Yes to being positive if you can - find little steps towards what you want and encourage that. Making everything very predictable can also help.

It doesn't seem to be an issue outside the home so much. He doesn't have many autism symptoms what makes you say that? Just out of interest?

Which traits aligne with autism? I wasn't aware that Xplosive behaviour was a trait so genuinely interested. He's had his 3 year check and nursery says he is progressing well socially and all other areas

Mine was like this at 3 and has diagnoses of ASD and ADHD. He’s not like this in school (where he is passive and compliant and nearly selectively mute).