To not be able to help falling asleep

[Jadii]

My partner and I have been together for years, since we had two children (they’re both at nursery still) and working full time I’ve switched from being a night owl to an early bird. I can’t seem to stay up past 10/half 10, sometimes 11 without becoming shattered and unable to stay awake and start falling asleep on couch.

My partner is really upset about this, as he’s still a night owl and thinks there’s something wrong with me to go to bed that early. I’m starting to feel conscious when it’s the evening as he will take issue with this and I feel guilty.

i feel ok in the day and don’t think there’s a health problem, im just tired from daily life and working. i just can’t stay up late anymore for some reason :(

YABU - that’s too early, go to the doctors and get checked in case of health issue
YANBU - it’s not that early and partner should leave me alone about it

Sleep can be such a sensitive issue for couples - almost as much as the domestic workload. It's really hard when your sleep patterns don't naturally align.

Maybe he thinks of the evenings as "your time", meaning the two of you, after the kids are in bed and you can relax together. So if you fall asleep early, you're curtailing that. It can be lonely staying awake every evening while your partner sleeps.

Not saying he's right, just trying to understand where he's coming from.

No, not ‘lol’. It not funny that he’s not getting up with the kids at the weekend. He’s treating you like shit here. As I said, I can’t imagine a loving partner getting shitty because their wife wants a reasonable amount of sleep.

When my DC were that age I was lucky to make it to 9:30 awake !!
He is being a knob.

1. You can’t help it if you are tired. It’s your body telling you to rest.
2. Hes not the boss of you. Me and dh realised long ago that I like to go to bed early(10) he doesn’t (12). It’s fine. You just go, “I’m tired, I’m off.”
3. He is not doing himself any favours existing on that little sleep.
4. Your language about how is dealing with it is concerning. A good partner should not be making you feel like that.
5. It should not be a given that he gets the weekend lie in, even if you get more sleep. It’s about decompression time away from kids, work, him even.
6. what is he doing for the 4 or 5 hours alone? I’m betting gaming (or porn)

Does he do his share in the house and with the kids? Does he tell you what to do in other parts of life?

If he's shattered on his days off, this going to bed so late clearly isn't working for him! 🙄

And you should be doing half the early wakes and get-ups each, so it's fair. You should each get a lie-in at weekends.

I have a similar issue too, OP! I actually can’t believe the similarities in some of our specifics. So now my reply might be long as I get it off my chest!! (Maybe mine is even worse!)

My husband isn’t an early riser. He sleeps until around 9am and then I have to bring him a coffee in bed, when I get back from the school run, otherwise he doesn’t feel “loved”. We are both self employed so we set our own hours but we have young children and I’m up with them every day.

He wants to stay up until about 1am every week night. On weekends he expects me to stay up until like 3am but then he’ll sleep in until about 11 (and I have to bring him a coffee as soon as he starts loudly clearing his throat.) Drives me up the bloody wall.

I get up around 20 mins before my kids, so that I can have a shower and get dressed etc. So, that’s about 6am and that’s every day, because kids don’t just do Monday - Friday.

On the weekends, I still get up at 6am for my shower, because otherwise I’m waiting until noon, when my husband comes downstairs. He takes 1 hour to get ready after receiving his coffee. I can’t just sit around in my pyjamas like that - it’s just not the way I was raised.

My final gripe is that he wants sex EVERY day and I don’t anymore - just because I’m in my “young kids era”… and he can literally sulk for weeks, if he doesn’t get it. That’s my biggest relationship gripe.

I do not even get a lie-in on my birthday or Mother’s Day. He doesn’t actually “believe” in Mother’s Day anyway. This isn’t even a joke - this is quite literally my life.

I genuinely don’t hate my husband. Life isn’t so black and white. I have a lot of fun with him and, despite what others would identify in my situation, I don’t consider myself abused. I find a lot of strength in my lovely family and my excellent career and my great hobbies. We travel together and we talk every day. Honestly, I love the very bones of the man and I know how that sounds - like I’m deluded.

That said, I think my husband has a cluster B disordered personality, which is to say he is seriously lacking in empathy, but it’s like he does try, if you know what I mean.

He’s excellent at lots of other things and he tries hard with the children but for all the reasons I’ve named above, he’s just not that great at being a good husband and father. I feel awful typing those words out, but that’s the truth.

He actually knows my feelings on all of this. We talk around and around this stuff over and over. He’ll often try to change - like, right now he’s been getting up at 8am instead of 9. But he’ll soon slip back into old ways.

My husband needs a lot less sleep than me. He can go to bed at 3 and be up at 7 several days on the trot and manage fine. I would be dead on my feet! But he doesn't get annoyed or think I'm defective in some way for going to bed earlier! What's it to him if you go to bed at 10 anyway?

If he's so great at coping with no sleep, why isn't he up with the kids at 4am? Why don't you get a lie in?

@JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit I think you need to start your own thread. Your DH sounds like an entitled brat. Beware though, if you do start a thread - "LTB" will be a prolific refrain!

He sleeps until around 9am and then I have to bring him a coffee in bed, when I get back from the school run, otherwise he doesn’t feel “loved”.

Fuck that noise.

Then the rest of it. Sulking because you won’t have sex with him every day?

I do not even get a lie-in on my birthday or Mother’s Day. He doesn’t actually “believe” in Mother’s Day anyway. This isn’t even a joke - this is quite literally my life.

He’s an arsehole. You know this.

Yep.

Oh that sounds so difficult 😞 sorry you’re going through that. My partner sounds similar in ways but your situation sounds really hard, he doesn’t want sex every day but when he does it’s always when I’m absolutely exhausted at like midnight or something so I can’t so that’s another element why it’s difficult. can you put your foot down on some of this stuff and stop making him a hot drink just because he demands it?? getting sulky if you don’t want to have sex is just eugh too.

I rarely get a lay in either, partner isn’t bothered by Mother’s Day and that’s another issue.

how long have you been together?

Sod your DP, why should you fit around him? Why can't he fit around you????

I go to bed at 9pm, faff about for an hour, audio books, whatever. Wake constantly through the night and wake properly at 6am. That's my routine. I dare anyone to get in the way of it!

Why do women put up with this absolute shit behaviour?

That's a normal bedtime for people up at 6-7am (latest!).

Tell him he can stay up all he wants but you will be going to bed a normal time - oh and he's still responsible for half the household load.

Alternatively tell him you'll stay awake later but he's getting up with kids and doing whole morning routine alone!!!!

He's being a twat. I go upstairs around 9 and am asleep by 10, 1030 latest. Get up at 6. Weekends I stay up later and sleep in later but I know have teens who sleep forever.

About 12 years. What about you?

I think that @JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit and @Jadii should both sack off their shit husbands and move in together.

I think he should be the one going to doctors. Most people need 7+ hours of sleep a night. Women need more sleep than men due to hormonal factors but nobody can be healthy on 4h of sleep a night.

His hours do not suit having a young family, he's a selfish arse and is the one who needs to change

But surely that only needs to be on the mornings that you're doing morning childcare, you can sleep in on the mornings that twatface takes care of the children.😁
And makes you breakfast in bed.

This article says only about 1% of people can function on 4 hours sleep a night so you are the normal one, not him.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22084671

People who don't get enough sleep are prone to serious health conditions including diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attack and stroke. It's also linked to a higher risk of getting dementia. (which Margaret Thatcher got, coincidentally or not)

OP you need to go mad with your partner and make it clear you will not tolerate any more snarky comments. If he does, make sure there are consequences (and he can fuck off with the expectation of sex at midnight!). He just doesn't sound very loving or caring as a partner. Being mean about your perfectly normal need for sleep. No Mothers Day or weekend lie ins. It may not be LTB yet but I am pretty sure eventually you will as that attitude will grind you down long term.

Unless he's doing 50% of the early mornings amd 50% of any night wakings he's being completely unreasonable.