Sperm donation

[LostAndExhausted]

I'm 37 and a half and have no children. Been with partner (41) almost 3 years. We don't live together. He has 2 children from previous relationship (21 and 15). To be honest the relationship has been rocky and unstable for over a year. It's been incredibly volatile the past few months (I never know if we're breaking up or not as he goes very quiet on me for day/s at a time). Our contact/communication has fallen dramatically, he's been making big decisions without really consulting me, I'm on sleeping pills. I am not a saint but I have repeated to him countless times that I want to work on us. I have done a bit of work on myself and still attend the relationship counselling that we started attending together (he decided a few months in that he didn't want to continue it). We are now at the stage where he is barely responding to my texts, and if he does it can be the day over 24 hours later. Breaking up has been brought up multiple times; I last asked him this at the weekend, straight out, he gave a long pause and instead we are meeting tomorrow so he can tell me his needs (I had told him mine a week or so ago), though tbh I don't know if he's just wanting to end it. Whether he does or not, I'm very keen to have a child (he has known this for a long time and we had intended to have a child together though tbh I seem to always have been more invested in the idea than him, as he has 2 children already), but because of my age I am getting some eggs frozen in January, as a 'back-up'. He knows this too. I'm now strongly considering getting them fertilised by sperm donor at the same time. Partner knows about egg freezing but we have not yet discussed my option of getting a sperm donor at the same time. I have not made a definite decision on it, as ideally I had assumed we'd be having a child together but given how volatile things have been, it is a big risk for me not to take as my time is fast running out, and this may be my only chance of having a child I know I must tell him tomorrow. I plan to explain to him again how much I want a child. And repeat to him that my desire to have a child, whether with him or not, is so important to me. I am very bad for overthinking and gaslighting myself and would appreciate thoughts on this.

100% get them fertilised. Frozen eggs often don’t actually make it through defrosting and fertilisation. Frozen embryos are much more likely to actually result in a child.

Honestly, I would. You are not young; egg freezing isn't particularly successful whereas embryo freezing is.

(FWIW my DD was born through sperm donation - because my then-partner and I are lesbians - so I am saying this with a certain amount of knowledge.)

But I would think carefully, in your situation, what you want to achieve. If you just think you want the embryos because you want a child one day, do it. If you are hoping he will be kick-started into change by what you're doing, that's trickier. You certainly don't want a reluctant father for your children, who's felt coerced into it because he perceived you as 'threatening' to replace him with a donor.

It doesn't sound like this relationship is heading anywhere near to having a child. It sounds like he's one of those men who is going to make you break up with yourself.

If you can afford to go solo or can save up to I would 100% create embryos. At 37 you definitely need to harvest your eggs soon to ensure quality and embryos have a far higher chance of success.

Good luck!

Also, thank your lucky stars you are not pregnant by him. Get rid of him.
Then have a baby with someone decent or by yourself.

It really doesn't sound like a good relationship at all, let alone one that you should bring a child into. Definitely better to plan to do it yourself I think

I’d dump him, skip the egg freezing and use a sperm donor to conceive in January if the rest of your life is set up to have a baby.

You can’t gaslight yourself, that sounds very odd, but you’re right to realise time is running out and you don’t want to waste precious weeks and months on someone you don’t have a future with. It’s not normal to be in couples counselling within 3 years when you don’t live together. It all sounds far more hassle and stress than it’s worth.

That doesn’t sound like a functioning relationship. It really doesn’t sound like a good situation to bring a child into. If you want a child why not just go the donor route now?

I don't want to lose him.

Lose what?

the relationship has been rocky and unstable for over a year
It's been incredibly volatile the past few months
I never know if we're breaking up or not as he goes very quiet on me for day/s at a time
Our contact/communication has fallen dramatically
he's been making big decisions without really consulting me
I … still attend the relationship counselling that we started attending together (he decided a few months in that he didn't want to continue it).
We are now at the stage where he is barely responding to my texts, and if he does it can be the day over 24 hours later.

That is not a relationship. You don’t live together, it’s volatile, he ignores you for days, he doesn’t involve/consider you when he’s making life choices, you’re going to relationship counselling alone because he quit and he doesn’t respond to your texts! You’re talking babies and he’s barely present.

It sounds like he is already gone. I am sorry. Don't lose your chance for children too.

We can only go on what you’re saying and it seems to be the case that he’s already gone and that it’s a good thing. How much more time will you waste letting him steal your future from you?

Go straight to sperm donation OP. I was in a very similar situation- we got back together when I was pregnant- dated but lived apart for the next 7 years and nothing changed... but I have my gorgeous son and I don't regret a single thing. I'm now free to date who I like and don't have to worry about custody - although our break up was amicable so he does still see my son but honestly having a child solo was the best decision I ever made. If someone is meant to be in your life then they will be but you can't deny yourself chance to be a mum if that's what your heart desires . Sending you love and strength xxx

The very least you deserve from a partner is someone who is happy to have you in their life. Someone that is pleased to see you or hear from you.

You don't want to lose him but you'd bring a child into a dysfunctional and unhappy situation?

That is a bad, bad, bad idea.

i think you know the answer.

I flogged a dead horse for many years before (painfully) realising I had to go forward and give myself a chance of parenthood and happiness.

I had solo treatment at 39 and my daughter at 40. I count myself very lucky to have her and I got a very decent haul - but even than I only have one child as I lost baby 2 as he had a fatal abnormality.

Frozen embryos are much more successful than frozen sperm. Give yourself the best chance

He’s gone. That ship’s sailed.

It sounds like this relationship is dead in the water to be honest OP. You've only been together 3 years and already had relationship counselling which he has dropped out of. I don't think he's planning a future with you and to have a baby with him when the relationship is so rocky is madness 😳

If you really want to have a baby I'd go down the sperm donor route and go it alone.

This.

Don't tie your chance to have a child to THIS man.

This isn't a salvageable relationship. It's dead, it's propped up in a wheelchair with sunglasses on trying to get past the officials at border control. It's dead.

He already has children

Therefore your top priority should be to have a child

However, this man does not seem keen to have more children & why should he ?

I agree, end the relationship & make having a child YOUR top priority

Please don't have a child with a dickhead.
There is nothing to lose with him.
He doesn't sound committed or right for you.
He doesn't sound very nice at all.

Mumsnet is full of threads written by women who are unhappy with a useless selfish man who doesn't help raise his own child(ren) .
(Trust me, I've written some).

Freeze your eggs and go it alone if you can.
Good luck x

Another vote for go it alone with donor sperm. I persisted in a foundering relationship for four years hoping he would change his mind about children. He didn't. The harder I tried to hold on to him, the more he pulled away. I regret letting him waste that time. I grieved the end of the relationship and it was really hard but was also surprised by how more energised I started to feel without the worry and stress of a bad relationship pulling me down. You're strong enough to do it.

If you have a baby with him he will constantly disappoint you. Much better to have a baby by yourself, be able to focus on and enjoy your little one, without the distraction of this man dragging you down. Look at the many threads on this forum where unsuitable ex-partners are making life difficult for mothers. You can date again and find someone better and you have the rest of your life to do this. You only have a limited time to have a child.

I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with donor sperm via IVF. As others have said, freezing embryos is much better than freezing eggs. They collected 13 eggs from me and only 3 developed in day 5 blastocysts good enough for transfer. I'd have been falsely reassured had I frozen the 13 eggs. IVF is even more expensive if you electively freeze all your embryos. I'd consider just starting the process and having a fresh embryo transfer. If you have your egg retrieval before your 38th birthday, you may be eligible for cheaper treatment (depending on BMI and AMH levels: https://www.kindivf.com/) Obviously lots of providers out there, but this age cut off was my trigger to stop thinking about it and actually do it.

Good luck, whatever you decide x