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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co parent changing plans

14 replies

FunnyGoldQuail · 31/10/2024 19:21

So me and my co parent are finally in a place where we can actually be civil with eachother and it isn't uncomfortable or awkward (after going threw war back and for with eachother)

Anyways recently co parent lost his job.
I'm on maternity leave myself

When he was working he would have baby (10 month old) every other day after work from 4pm-9pm. Then on weekends he would get Sundays, for the whole day (11am-8pm)

During the weeks where he would usually be working I've made a routine for me and my baby, soft play dates, sensory classes etc. Once a week we will meet up with my friend who also has a baby and go for walks or a coffee. I'm loving maternity leave!

I've noticed co parent has started asking for baby earlier than usual on his days which I understand as he isn't in work at the moment and it's more time for him with our baby. And 90% of the time I agree to this.

But the odd time where I have said no because I have plans with baby or I've got a class to go to with her he seems to have a hissy fit. When I've been nothing but helpful and easy going with him and his days. He's even offering to come to sensory classes with me but we are definitely not at that point to be going to classes and on walks together. I'll just stick to conversation when I have to with him!

Whats everyone else's opinions on this, I mean majority of the time I say yes of course you can have baby earlier than usual. But there may be one day of the week where I have to tell him to stick to usual time he would of had her if he was in work as I've got plans with her, am I being out of order.

I wish he would hurry up and get a job!

OP posts:

Bex5490 · 31/10/2024 19:53

You are definitely not being out of order.While it's refreshing to hear that your baby's father wants to spend as much time with baby as possible, you have made plans that he shouldn't expect you to change.

Generally, do you feel that you could do with a little more free time in your week? If so I'd suggest to him that you sit down and adjust the agreement based on his change of circumstances.

Maybe once a week he takes baby earlier?

Sirzy · 31/10/2024 19:55

Could he do one set group each week with her so he gets that time to?

either way I think you need to have a plan that works for you all (mainly baby of course)

AutumnLeaves24 · 31/10/2024 19:59

i agree, if you're happy to increase the time he has with her until he gets a job, then look at it together and see how best to do this.

ad hoc would rattle my brain & he'd be pissing me off, not taking 'no we have plans' with good grace.

i like to know where I'm at so we'd need A Plan.

Singleandproud · 31/10/2024 19:59

I think the hours he had Baby was a bit ridiculous to start with and I'm not surprised he would prefer daytime contact on those days instead of having baby just at bed time. So I would look to make that change and adapt around that for future plans but see out ones already arranged and have baby back home at a more reasonable hour.

If it helps court were happy with DDs contact being 2 hours EOD building up eventually to 8am -6pm at 2.5 years. Then Wednesday after nursery 3-6pm and Sunday 8-6pm. They were happy for overnights not to start until she was 4 years old

roseymoira · 31/10/2024 20:00

Personally I don't think it's good for a baby to go so long without their mum, you are her primary carer.

Even if you rearranged your plans for give him more time, when he gets a new job and reduces his contact back down that will be disruptive for the baby.

Original poster

FunnyGoldQuail · 31/10/2024 20:27

Singleandproud · 31/10/2024 19:59

Edited

This was really helpful thankyou!

When he is back I'm work chances are he will finish around about 4-5pm every day so I don't know how I go about him seeing her on those days. I do agree a baby being brought home at 8pm-9pm is ridiculous mind!

He's only ever had 1 overnight and tl be honest I'm quite happy for him to bot do over nights

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 31/10/2024 20:58

Well court expected DDs dad to have her on his days off which at the time was Tuesday and Thursday to begin with and then I was happy to flex to suit his days as I wasn't working at the time and other wise a couple of hours in the evening with DD home no later than 6pm.

Original poster

FunnyGoldQuail · 31/10/2024 21:30

Singleandproud · 31/10/2024 20:58

How long did he have her for on his days?

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 31/10/2024 22:25

Started at 2 hours and slowly progressed and hour ever month until it was 8am - 6pm. She was a bit older though and started closer to 2 years. However they were developing a relationship as we never lived together and he'd never had her alone / he had no family support

I guess it's a bit different if he has been successfully having her for several hours.

I would still try and transition to day contact rather than evening whilst he is off work, it'll be better for all around if she isn't out on the upcoming cold nights.

Thats not to say I'd ditch all my plans but try and rearrange them,try and appreciate the down time for things I needed to do that were easier without a baby, get a haircut, go to the dentist, opticians, get the house sorted, catch up on my sleep, go to the cinema and get a bit of old memories back.. Try and view it like she's going to nursery, it's hard work doing it on your own especially when it's illness season and although it's hard to be away from her at first you get used to it

TwinklyAmberOrca · 31/10/2024 22:39

He is her dad and you choose to have a baby together....

I can see this two ways.

Firstly, life always changes so it would be sensible to adapt the contact hours to suit the current situation.

Secondly, how long is this unemployment going to last? Presumably you'll be going back to work soon and will need to set up a routine? If you start relying on him for childcare whilst you're at work, what happens if he then gets a job? Who sorts out/pays additional child care?

Firawla · 31/10/2024 23:05

I wouldn’t be flexible with it at all personally, if you already have a contact schedule set up that’s been working then tell him to stick with that, and keep your own normal routine. Surely that’s for the best.

Original poster

FunnyGoldQuail · 01/11/2024 10:53

Firawla · 31/10/2024 23:05

I'm going to start telling him the times he can have her from and stop being bullied into his demands. Even if I have to lie and say we have plans

A routine for my daughter is what is more important

OP posts:

dreamer24 · 01/11/2024 10:55

Probably missing the point but, he has her 4-9pm? So he brings a 10 month old baby home at 9pm? Surely a baby of that age is in bed by 7pm ish? Just curious as to how that works, not judging!

Original poster

FunnyGoldQuail · 01/11/2024 11:05

dreamer24 · 01/11/2024 10:55

Probably missing the point but, he has her 4-9pm? So he brings a 10 month old baby home at 9pm? Surely a baby of that age is in bed by 7pm ish? Just curious as to how that works, not judging!

Yes it's ridiculous isn't it!

I have suggested to him that maybe he has her more on the weekend when he wouldn't have work as he could pick her up earlier. Instead of having her threw the week which when he works means he's picking her up at 4-5pm.

He keeps saying he doesn't want to be 'weekend dad' which I completely get. But it is what it is, we aren't together anymore therefor you don't live in the home your daughter lives in.

But yes 9pm sometimes she's being brought home and by time I take her coat off her she wakes back up and I'm having to spend the next hour sometimes longer trying to settle a baby

OP posts:

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