DH backing off from me after DSD comment

[bluenotebook]

DH came home from work on Monday evening and as usual and came and gave me a hug/kiss when he walked in, DSD8 was with me in the kitchen and he then gave her a hug and kiss and she responded with ew get off me dad I'm not 'bluenotebook'. He responded with what do you mean, her response was you are treating me like 'bluenotebook' he then said I always hug and kiss you which he does. It was a really off hand comment and not sure where it had come from as he is always very affectionate with her, as am I, I have a lovely relationship with her.

So since then DH has been completely weird with me, has backed off from me, hardly even come near me and has been moody with me. I had noticed the change in behaviour and didn't think anything of it at first and put it down to him having a cold and being a bit under the weather. Then yesterday I was sitting on the sofa with DSD cuddled into me watching telly, he came in said he was going out to the shop and gave DSD a kiss and then just walked out and I sat there and thought that was weird as he would usually give me a kiss also. Then at tea time we sat down to eat but he didn't sit in his usual seat next to me, he sat in a seat next to DSD (we all tend to sit in the same seats every meal time, not sure if this is weird or not!). We then went out in the evening with the kids and I felt like he was almost trying to exclude me.

Now I have no issue with him wanting one on one time with his kids without me there, I think he should have that time with them and I do encourage him to and I am happy to step back from family activities so he can, nor am I particularly needy in that he has to sit by me at all times etc, I'm just trying to give examples of how he has been different with me and I really feel like he has been this week and this is the only thing I can think of maybe why.

I don't know if I am BU to think that this comment from DSD has affected him or if its just me overthinking.

Would really appreciate some perspective and any advice on how I can support if it has bothered him.

Maybe this is her way of expressing that she feels the affection between her and her dad should be changing. It isn't like she said it's inappropriate for you two to show that affection, it's almost like she's saying it's appropriate between you and DH but not her and her dad.

I'm not sure how she might want it to be instead, though. Maybe more hugs and the kind of kiss that we give each other as adults as a greeting or goodbye.

At first I thought “bluenotebook” was some sort of slang kids use today then realised it was your OP name!

Anyway, I imagine it’s slightly freaked him out that his daughter has compared him giving a kiss to you to giving a kiss to her. It’s likely made him feel uncomfortable and wants to make it clear that his hugs and kisses with her come from a different place than hugs and kisses with you. I think that’s more likely what it is than DSD not wanting him to be affectionate with you. I’d talk to him and ask him if this is why he’s suddenly withdrawn affection.

Have you spoken to him about it?
Seems very reasonable to bring it up with him.
He seems to have really over reacted to what she said. It was about her not wanting him to kiss her, not about her not him wanting to kiss you.

In what way does he give her a kiss? It could well be she’s just getting older and understanding additional connotations to kissing. She’s also at an age where it could just be that everything her parents do is embarrassing 🙈

As for your husband, it seems like he’s potentially taking it as a dig towards him maybe prioritizing you over her. It really seems from reading your post he’s overcompensating and making a point of “choosing” her over you. He’s probably just trying (too hard) to ensure his little girl feels his love.

I think, overall, your DH has taken this way too seriously. DSD is clearly not having issues with you as she’s cuddling with you watching tv, and her comment didn’t shame you or him for showing affection to each other.

This just sounds like an eight-year-old growing up and getting a bit stroppy. It's really not a big deal - but I imagine it made your husband feel a bit awkward, is all. I'm guessing he'll get over it soon, but it was probably just something that made him wonder if his daughter was feeling jealous/hurt/whatever. I'm sure she isn't, but it's pretty hard for any parent to hear that their kid doesn't want cuddles any more, so it's probably just been preying on his mind.

I was really grossed out by my parents kissing when I was younger. Does she see you and her dad being affectionate a lot? Massive the balance isn’t right.

I find these posts so odd

just ask your partner surely?
none of us can guess why he’s behaving differently

Have you had time without the step-kids since this happened? How's he been with you when you're alone?

I think you need to sit down with him for a calm conversation and explain you feel he's acting differently and you need to understand why.

My dad used to snog my mother when he came in from work and it made me feel actually quite agitated and angry when I was a kid. Children just don’t really understand it.

Your DH has just been knocked off guard and doesn’t want his actions misinterpreted. I would just go with it for a while, and hopefully things will settle back down once everyone moves on.

I just wanted to establish if I was overthinking before I asked and get some perspective so I could have a balanced conversation with him.

We aren't overly affectionate, we just hug each other mostly!

I suspect that the comment has made him feel self conscious. “Ewww… kissing” is a common stage to go through and it sounds like dd and your partner’s relationship may be on the cusp of changing in the near future.

Just wait til he next tries to initiate sex and tell him he has another think coming if he thinks you'll have sex with a man who stopped giving you anny affection. He'll get it 🤷🏼‍♀️

You get out what you put in 😂

Sounds like she's telling her dad that she doesn't want to be kissed anymore and he should completely respect that.

I didn't want to kiss my mum or dad either and I'm glad they didn't force it or become passive aggressive when I laid down a very basic boundary.

Feels like he is massively overreacting to what is a normal developmental thing for a growing girl. My step daughter stopped allowing kisses from her dad at 13 and it broke his heart but never influenced how he is with me. We are still affectionate with each other and, thankfully, she doesn't come up with "ew, gross" comments like she does when people kiss on tele.

The girl's comment has really triggered something hasn't it. It's made him feel highly uncomfortable about showing you affection in front of her. I think he was probably alarmed and somewhat disgusted when his daughter compared his affection for you to the way he hugs and kisses her. I honestly think this has given him the "ick" big time.

she will happily come and sit with us/him and cuddle him if we are watching tv but thinking about it there are times she will just be sitting there and he will hug or kiss her and she gets annoyed with him and will tell him to get off her, maybe she is just growing up which is sad but maybe something we need to think about.

i just don’t appreciate that he has withdrawn affection from me and it’s making me want to pull back as it feels like rejection whether it’s meant that way or not

Just ask him - is he upset with you about something? That you've noticed his behaviour and want to know what it's about. If he denies there's anything wrong, I would say ok, I'm giving you the chance to get it off your chest but if you want to continue giving me the cold shoulder, you crack on. Then I would leave him to look after his daughter and take myself off for a nice long soak in the bath with a glass of wine/dinner out somewhere lovely with a friend/cinema/walk in nature/gym - whatever makes you feel good. You don't have to stick around for him to treat you coldly.

Firstly, I think you and your DH need to talk.

It sounds like DSD is growing older and is starting to feel less comfortable with certain physical affection. Completely normal and appropriate and part of growing up. Though difficult for parents!

At a guess, your DH has completely misread this and thinks his DD is feeling jealous of his relationship with you, and is therefore trying to show less physical affection to you in front of her.

Talk to him.