To ask DH not to do this?

[mincepietwentytwo]

Just had a busy few family days in half-term. DH WFH. I have the kids as work term-time. DH likes to plan every hour of the day. Fair enough but me and the kids need to recharge today.

DH came up for a coffee and I went off to put a wash on. DS8 asked me for a walk. I called through 'yes maybe in a bit' (I wasn't ready and needed to do a couple of urgent emails). DD9 didn't want to go as tired and said just wants to do Halloween walk later. I'm thinking about how to keep both happy.

DH tells them both 'Yes you're going for a walk right now' and walks off towards his office. Cue both kids arguing and tears from DD9 as he doesn't want to go.

He has done this the last few holidays. Tells them what they are going to do next/says yes to something they've asked for just as he is walking back to his office with a coffee and he never chats to me about it beforehand.

AIBU I've asked him not to as it causes arguments (plus it's annoying for me).

So next time walk into his office, shut the door, and hit the roof as quietly as you can. Let him know that if he causes this problem again you will cause him a problem - you’ll deliver an angry bollocking while he is on a call.

They are lucky they see him loads. He’s SE so he chooses his hours.

Term time he spends every morning til 8:45am and from 4pm til bedtime every day and all weekend.

Holidays he can condense hours so will work around 2/3 days for every week off.

Could you say Just fuck off back to your office mate . Leave the kids to me . Too much? 😁

I think that's missing the point. Even if he wasn't working, making grand decrees of how YOU are going to spend your time is inappropriate. He is free to say HE is taking the kids for a walk now. If it requires you actioning it (providing them with something eg food or whatever or you doing an activity) and he isn't going to be involved then he doesn't get to unilaterally decide when it happens.

It’s just you that are not so lucky then. Because he sounds controlling.

Nope. Not too much.

@mincepietwentytwo

I'd say very loudly so DH can hear: "Dad's not in charge right now, I am. And I said maybe in a bit, DS8. And DD9 you don't have to go if you don't want to".

If you've spoken to DH before and he's not stopping, then you'll just have to directly countermand him. I know parents are supposed to 'stick together' but when what one parent says is changing what the other parent already said, you have to assert yourself as the 'parent in charge'.

Yes, and not to the home office, either.

Can you do a big excited "oh wow! Dad's taking you for a walk, so get ready!" Every time he does this?

I imagine he'll cotton on pretty soon that it's easier to say "kids, mum's organising things for you when she's not at work so it's important to listen to what she says"

But he's working no?

So are you annoyed or are you defending him?

"DH tells them both 'Yes you're going for a walk right now' and walks off towards his office. Cue both kids arguing and tears from DD9 as he doesn't want to go."

That would have been my cue to holler at the top of my lungs, 'Isn't that nice girls, you're dad's taking you out for a walk RIGHT NOW.' (Hollering to make damned sure he could hear me, I might even have shadowed him back to his office just to be sure.)

Bottom line, he doesn't get to command your time, only his own.

This is not "someone who needs a plan." A plan would involve him. His 'plan' involves everyone except him. He isn't 'planning', he is 'ordering around'.

"I do talk to him about it but he still does it."
The saying I first read on MN - 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got." He's done this to you many times, by the sound of it. Whatever you've been doing in response to this, it clearly isn't working, so you need to adopt a new tack. Hence my suggestion above. Bat it straight back to be on his shoulders. None of this delegating-to-my-domestic-servant you've been letting him away with. Bat it straight back; his suggestion/instruction/fait acomplis means it is his responsibility to carry it out.

The Mary Poppins approach. ;)

He has said before he thought he was helping/backing me up. I said it can be confusing for the kids and more work for me.

It is annoying but I know it doesn't come from a bad place. He works for a bit, parents for a bit, works for a bit, parents for a bit. His hours every day are different.

I do take the kids out to the park/shop etc too.

More 'Dad's not in charge right now, I am because he's gone back to work'

DH used to do this. He would make some sort of edict or issue a punishment and then think nothing of popping into his office, leaving me to play enforcer. It could be out of traditional work hours, but he would have oh so pressing work to be done.

i had to to get rather forceful about it but he did stop.