End of Mat Leave and WFH

[TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis]

Hi all

I returned from Mat Leave after 10 months in August, with my husband doing the last two months as SPL. My son is now in nursery three days a week, and we both work five days compressed into four.

I completely underestimated the impact of returning to work, because before my husband was caring for our child in our house. The adjustment is hard, and I went back full time cold turkey.

My office requires 40% attendance, the nearest offices are 2h away. They removed this requirement and barred me from the office when I was pregnant due to high risk factors, so I haven't been in for months. My team has always had below-target attendance because it really doesn't suit our tasks.

WIBU to now ask for a phased return in the form of WFH whilst I'm still breastfeeding?

It's the thing that really causes issues because I can't express (I've really tried but it takes over an hour to produce one measly feed!), and I can't be back to feed my son without turning back practically after I arrived.

Whenever I have attended the offices in the past, 9/10 either the person I have come to meet has cancelled and attended virtually, or they've cancelled altogether.

It can definitely be really hard to return to work after mat leave, it’s a big adjustment. But I’m not sure I follow your train of thought? What is it you’re struggling with?

I’ve returned from two mat leaves still breastfeeding, also never pumped as didn’t work for me, office 1.5hr drive away and in 2 days a week, it’s never been an issue for me. Kids had food and water while not with me. If your baby is now 12 months he should be fine without milk for the 12ish hours a day you’re apart.

I returned to work doing 12.5 hours shifts and continued to breastfeed. Lots of women work and continue to bf with no issues. Babies are adaptable and I’m sure your son would manage without a feed while you are working. On the other hand, it sounds as though your role is doable without going into the office so there’s no harm in asking about wfh if it will make life easier.

Apologies, I should add - I get bouts of mastitis semi-regularly, which is why I want to do a managed retreat. The first day I did go back in was to an external company event where I asked for a safe place to express and was sent to the toilets... Grr.

I only needed to express a little to treat the mastitis, but it was really painful, not to say unsanitary.

(Sorry, was trying not to write War and Peace!)

I have a really clear case, IMO, for WFH to complete the complex and confidential work I need to do in the short term. They want people in to collaborate, but I actively need to ensure secrecy and discretion, and it's only me working on the tasks.

I don't know whether the breastfeeding issue muddies the waters, or makes my case stronger, IYSWIM?

It’s a huge adjustment period and I think the best thing to do in your case is speak to your work place and be honest. You can ask, they can say yes or no. You will feel a huge weight off by just asking the question

I returned 3 days a week and it is a huge juggle, so I really do understand how full time can be an even bigger adjustment.

If you can afford it, could you go down hours / days?

But you're not BFing while he's in nursery right? I'd definitely ask but would focus on why it won't impact your work or your team.

Compressed hours with 4 hours commuting sounds like a nightmare. I would definitely raise it especially if it doesn't really make any difference to the work.

Well you can certainly ask

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis what did people do before wfh became a thing??? I think they all managed perfectly well! your baby is nearly one should be being weaned by now.

Thanks - I think the big thing for me is honesty.

I don't like to lie to my employer, or to think that I'm making excuses. I have been honest without making a big deal of things from the start, and I think my line manager appreciates that (they certainly have more than their fair share of childcare issues).

I wouldn't like to go to them only saying "my workload is confidential" or "I feel the need to be closer to my baby whilst he settles into nursery/still feeding frequently", when I would be hiding half of the reason for my request.

We could afford reduced hours in the short term, but I'm not sure work could. There is valuable and necessary work to fit into my day job in the hours I do, they were desperate to have me back and struggled to find someone adequate to the task over my leave (my cover is a nice guy and very empathetic, he has worked from home the entire time I've been off!).

@Beekeepingmum - yes, compressed hours plus a long commute is part of the issue. But I think it's a short term one.

My son is breastfeeding for comfort as much as for food, but I think that's as valid a reason as food? Regardless, WFH means I can give him a quick feed before he departs at 8 and again when I pick him up at 4.

No offence, but this kind of comment is really common in my workplace, and it's almost ALWAYS accompanied by really prejudiced and offensive comments about women on maternity leave or pregnant.

I hope you're not like that in real life, because if so HR should probably have a word.

They managed as best they could. If there's a better option now for all why should this not be taken?

And can I ask why you feel the baby should be weaned at 1? The WHO recommends continuing to breastfeed until 2 at least.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask!

Ask but don't bring this up. This is something to bring up once you return to the office. What was your plan for office attendance originally?

Whenever I have attended the offices in the past, 9/10 either the person I have come to meet has cancelled and attended virtually, or they've cancelled altogether

Good luck I hope they approve it for you

My plan is that we'll night wean around Christmas when I'm off work, then I'll do one long day in one office, and one short day in the closer one. I planned to do that sooner but a) my current workload is confidential and better done at home and b) the aforementioned issues with breastfeeding/lack of phased return to work.

I do worry that I'm going to ruin it for everyone by diligently querying this, because as I say, my team are probably the lowest attending team in the company!

I think there's a tacit acceptance of this because in most other similar roles in other companies it's 100% WFH, and it's hard to attract the right talent without accepting that.

Other teams naturally work at 80% both because the staff are inclined that way and so is the work.

Everyone I have spoken to of my mums age told me how hard it was going back, some even gave up work for it. So no, they didn’t all manage perfectly fine.

Also what are peoples obsessions with baby weaning from breast at 1? it is apparently breast is best then baby gets to 1 and it’s why are you still breastfeeding!

Why are you telling a stranger on the Internet what milk to feed their child.. odd

Sounds good. I'd write that in your request

Babies can breastfeed past 1 ya know

You're entitled as a new mum to request flexible working (I really need to read my letter on it) but info should be on the govt website as that's who my letter was from.

HR person here.

So you opted not to phase back by using accrued leave, hence the full time from day 1. You’ve then amended your hours to do compressed hours, which is challenging (was this through a FWR?). And then you have the 40% in office, whilst living 2 hours away.

Was none of this foreseeable in terms of impact?

If the work really doesn’t lend itself to 40% of the time being in office, then that is the discussion you need to be having.

OP may have already used that on getting compressed hours.

I wouldn't commit to weaning at Christmas.

I thought I'd wean just after one. It didn't happen. It upset DS. I got some aversions but magnesium sorted them out, as it usually does. DS eventually weaned a few months ago, at 2 and three quarters. We'd been talking about it a lot, and he decided he was ready randomly, and I gently held the boundary after that. We got through with no tears or tantrums, it was as gentle as I could have hoped.

Thanks for your response.

In response to the "foreseeable" part - I'm a first time working parent, so yes, to a certain extent I underestimated this.

But it was also masked by the fact that 1) our company offices were shut when I returned and have only just reopened and 2) my husband was caring for my son until a fortnight ago. So he is only now settling into nursery, with all the accompanying bugs etc, and we're finding a routine as a working family.

(If I could do it again, I'd want a longer phase into nursery and I'd use leave to return more slowly, but that's moot now because I can't change the fact that I underestimated the need to phase my return - I've ranted at myself for this aplenty!).

I believe the 40% will be well achievable as above (if not always the best use of my time, but that's by the by, I'm not querying that), however, not yet.

Oh, and the new, very confidential workload was totally unforeseeable. I'm working in a silo of one on that. Only four people in a company of 500+ are aware of it even, and I don't need to collaborate with anyone for it (quite the opposite, I need to knuckle down and do it!).

Would a compromise be for you to work at the more local office instead?

Then that’s the discussion point.