To think consequences for ds aren’t effective

[ohowelaughed]

I know I’ll probably get a bit of a flaming here.

Ds is 3, on the cusp of turning 4. I always kind of thought three was the turning point, where you could reason with them a bit and have some age appropriate sanctions and bribery rewards.

Rewards do kind of work in the ‘if you get upstairs NOW you can have a chocolate button’ way. But anything like a sticker chart or similar just doesn’t work. Similarly consequences don’t seem to work. If you say you’ll confiscate a toy or you will turn the TV off it just seems to escalate the situation out of control, and also means the original behaviour you were trying to address gets kind of lost.

I know that sounds a bit vague but if I give an example - he climbed up on a window sill the other day and I said in my bright parenting voice ‘go on the floor please - might slip there!’

I am ignored twice so moved him. He found this hilarious and just kept climbing up. In the end put him in his room and he got furious and upset, screaming and crying and took ages to calm down … I’m not convinced he learned anything from that.

I don’t think he’s ND, who knows for sure but definitely no concerns raised thus far.

"How to talk so little kids listen" is a really helpful book to read, to understand how their brains work and how to use effective discipline.

@ohowelaughed I feel your pain! No lines in the sand, no ‘I’m the grown up, so do as I say’.

At least, not with my eldest. Consequences and engineering the situation and cooperation. You have to make it so it works for him as well. Imagine he’s an adult with no requirement to do as you say. How would you approach it then? You’d offer something that matters to him, strike a deal, compromise.

He might be really clever. Mine was. Had other struggles, but was too clever by half and just didn’t get the idea that he was supposed to do what he was told. I’ve had kids that do, but some will cut their nose off to spite their face.

I meant to say in my OP that I know that book is often recommended but I just didn’t get on with it at all. It definitely seems to assume a level of articulation and sophistication that DS just doesn’t have, but then perversely doesn’t seem to even acknowledge that some children get wise to - so the closed choice for instance, I’ve used that with brilliant effect with children with complex needs (would you like to sit here or here - anywhere but there but the kid doesn’t know it!) but with DS, if I was struggling to get him to have a drink offering water or milk doesn’t work - he just says no to both!

I do think you’re describing him quite well there. In many ways he’s smart, but then perversely also seems to struggle with things that other children grasp with ease. It will be interesting to see what happens when he starts school!

I never thought of that. It seems obvious, but this is a light bulb moment for me!

My lad is similar to what OP describes so I have deep empathy (sympathy?)

I HATE when he laughs at the situation.

Recently, he did something that was dangerous to the baby and I spoke to him sternly and he laughed. It took all my inner strength not to escalate things. will now look at it as him being nervous, not being bold.

What he learned was that he didn't get to remain on the windowsill. Thats the crucial bit. He didn't get his way, persisting did not result in him staying on the windowsill.
That's actually an incredibly important thing to learn, and you'll be glad of it in years to come.

Im not a fan this bright parenting lark - you do a naughty thing- you have a negative consequense. good thing - good consequence.

Sometimes they need to fear the repercussions of their actions or they will continue to do them.

TV issue - No tv, or book at bedtime, or reading. (may backfire - i just got good at reading in the dark - but oh well)
If he doesnt want to listen - he gets put in his room, let him scream angrily. eventually he will tire himself out and quiet down. then - you can talk to him reasonably, but sometimes its best to let them get into their own heads about it, wind themselves up and wear themselves out. ignore him, untill he is in the right place to be talked to. if he still wont see reason - then wash, rinse, repeat - its where lerned behaviour comes in. (works both ways - right now he knows he gets no consequenses carried though!)