ExH, his new girlfriend and the family beach house

[Endoftheroad12345]

ExH and I split in late 2022. I left him
after years of abuse, including physical abuse. Haven’t regretted it for a second. I have a new partner who I am very very happy with, exH has a new girlfriend, I have as little to do with exH as possible. He has our two children every other weekend. He pays bare minimum child support, won’t buy clothes for them to keep at his house, is generally a shit dad and human being. My 9 year old son came home with a bruise on his arm a couple of weeks ago from Dad pinching him. Not the first time my son has been hurt by his father. This has been logged with the police.

I bought exH out of the family home last year. It’s nearly killed me with massive mortgage + peak interest rates, but I am lucky enough to have a great job and have been able to manage. We also co-own a beach house. This is about to be listed for sale - for various logistical reasons it was financially advantageous to delay the sale. (Had we sold a year ago we would have paid circa $150K in extra tax and the market was v v depressed).

When I bought the family home the (substantial) beach house mortgage was paid off from my mortgage to save us from usurious interest rates. Both of us have good jobs - exH earns slightly more than me. He rents a property for about half what I pay in mortgage. ExH is waiting for the beach house to be sold before he buys a house. I gave exH the option of buying me out of my interest in the beach house so he was the sole owner. He refused - he doesn’t want to be “left with it”.

I have never taken my boyfriend to the beach house - in fact have gone to considerable expense booking airbnbs when we have gone away together. My view that when we split was that the beach house was a family home, it was special to our kids and what was once our family and taking new partners there would be disrespectful of that.

Despite this, exH nagged to take his girlfriend there. I said I wasn’t comfortable but I am used to him disregarding my wishes on everything so I said not with the kids there and not sleeping in my bed.

A month later (at Easter) he took the kids away as his sister was visiting from the UK for a family long weekend. Unbeknownst to me (or the kids), the girlfriend was invited. When he was told, my eldest son (9) cried and asked t go home (he told me later). ExH then refused to allow the kids to call me for 48 hours to make sure I didn’t find out.

Since then, exH takes his girlfriend regularly and I can tell they have been sleeping in my bedroom. I have tried to be grey rock about it all tbh as he’s such a lying cunt I can’t be bothered engaging with him.

Over the last month, exH has got very busy preparing the house for sale and announced he was going to plaster and paint the interior walls. This is a man who, in the 21 years we were together, couldn’t paint a doorknob. It transpired that New Gf is quite a dab hand at renovations and plastered and painted 3 bedrooms over the course of a week. For free.

I said to exH that was weird and he could afford to pay someone and I hoped that at least he was paying her… his first reaction was to say “she wants to help!” and the second was to ask me to chip in for half of it. That would be a no.

This weekend just been was a long weekend here and I took the kids to the bach. New Gf has been very busy, reorganising the linen cupboard (I can tell as the towels are folded into thirds, something exH never mastered in 20 years). My wardrobe… with all of my clothes hanging in it … has been tidied up and reorganised.

The house is far from Manderly but at this point the Rebecca vibes are off the chart. My tampons are literally in the bathroom drawer.

My strong suspicion is that exH has told New Gf it’s his house (“I let her have the family home for the kids… I took the beach house in the separation … but I still let her take the kids there on holiday because I’m Such a Great Dad”).

Whether she knows or not, AIBU to find it massively creepy and intrusive and go full Mrs Danvers on both of them?

Ignore OP. There's always someone who ignores the actual question and wants to comment on some tiny piece of info they don't know enough about to make a judgement on.

Thanks @Livelovebehappy

I have found it interesting as I’ve navigated my post marriage life, how many people have assumed that I’m vulnerable or have terrible judgement because I was married to an abusive man. We were together from the time I was 20, for the vast majority of our relationship he earned significantly more then me, my family have no money, and he didn’t show his worst side until after I had children. Even then the abuse was insidious, the physical abuse of me was rare and hidden (either when kids asleep or secretive like hard pinching in plain sight) and what the kids witnessed were “temper tantrums”/“moodiness”, the likes of which I see minimised on mumsnet every day, but which are actually terrifying and destabilising to live with.

I stayed because I couldn’t leave, I had nowhere to go and while the kids were little I worked part time and was dependent on his salary (as a lawyer, so an additional consideration in terms of going to the police, ironically - a conviction would have ended his career and meant we were unable to pay our mortgage).

In 2021, I got a new job that meant I was in a position to take on the family home alone. In 2022 for the first time he grabbed DS’ arm so hard it left a bruise, so it wasn’t just me any more. I ended the marriage shortly afterwards.

I’ve had therapy, my kids have had therapy - not because we are irreparably damaged but because we’ve been through a hard time (even without abuse a marriage split is destabilising) and I want to make sure my kids can process their emotions and experiences in a healthy way.

I was cautious about exposing my kids to a new relationship and the process of introducing and integrating DP into our family has been and will be very gradual, not least because we live in different countries 😂 It is an unconventional arrangement but it suits us fine and importantly it means my kids get my almost undivided attention when I am not working. I am glad my kids will see what a loving and healthy relationship looks like as they grow up, not the loveless misery they saw between me and their father.

Sorry but I stopped reading when you started talking about the beach house, my child would not be going there every other weekend and coming home with bruises.

It's worth reading the OPs posts at least then you will understand how far she went to protect her children.

I (genuinely) hope you are never in a position where you have to come up with a strategy to manage this situation. I thought when I disclosed exH’s behaviour to my lawyer during separation negotiations it would be a slam dunk for me getting full custody. It is not.

Also don’t forget, my kids have almost no idea about the extent of their dad’s behaviour towards me. They both know Daddy can have a bad temper and DS knows dad grabbed his arm so hard it left a bruise. DD has no idea and doesn’t even remember living in the same house as exH. She was 4.5 when we split. They love their dad and no abuser is abusive 24/7. Escalating police action would require DS to be interviewed by the police and social services about his dad, he is a smart kid, he would feel like he was getting dad in trouble. It would massively destabilise him.

Ultimately so far limiting access as much as possible and letting exH know I’ve logged the incident with the police and will escalate if anything further happens seems to be the best course of action.

Stopped reading when you saw there was a pile on and decided to join in. There, corrected that for you...

You shouldn't have to xplain yourself. You posted a question, and regardless of whether people decide to pick up on something else they've read, I would just respond to the people being genuinely helpful. Unfortunately on some threads people pick up on something to judge on and then others join in. Pack mentality.

You don't seem very nice. You are wrapped up in yourself, I'd be demanding answers if I thought the kids were abused.

I know I shouldn’t @Livelovebehappy but for every pile on poster there will be a woman out there in a similar situation to what I was in, wondering if they should leave, and how they will manage it, and whether the harm to the kids from living with their H is greater or less than the detriment of leaving him.

Over the years I read so many of these posts while never posting about my own situation (partly because I didn’t even want to admit it to myself). I hope I don’t sound full of spite because I’ve never regretted leaving my marriage for a moment, despite the stress and the hard times. I am genuinely very happy and hopeful for the future in a way that I wasn’t before and I think my kids are too. I am lucky that I have a very good job, but apart from that I left him with no assistance from anyone, practical or financial.

I’ve gone from a very affluent middle class life in a gilded cage (gilded beach house should I say 😂) to a comfortable enough existence, mortgaged up to the eyeballs, but with a peaceful life with my kids in our home, together 13 days out of 14, a loving partner and renewed agency over my life. If I can do it through sheer force of will, many of the women reading this post can do it too.

Which shows you have zero experience in this type of situation. The courts and 'professionals' make the rules, and the parent who demands or kicks off (even if they have a right to) are automatically deemed as the troublesome one.

People think they have a say in their children's lives but once other people are involved, they don't. I think the OP has dealt with this exceptionally well and been smart.If she hadn't then the ex would likely have got more contact time.

And no, I don't think it was appropriate for the girlfriend to rifle through her smalls. I believe it was well intentioned on her part, and that the ex knew about it and got a kick out of pissing the OP off. It would be a different matter entirely if OPs boyfriend was rearranging his boxers.

@Endoftheroad12345, whatever she has heretofore been told, it is highly inappropriate that she is rifling through and rearranging your things.

I would write her a friendly and upfront note stating that you’ve arranged your clothes and personal items as you prefer and would appreciate their not being changed/rearranged. I’d also make reference to the walls looking really nice thanks to her, which will help you and Ex sell the house. You may or may not want to mention that the children have enjoyed visiting with her.

I think that she would appreciate your being honest and transparent in a
non-threatening manner.

i thought your son was receiving therapy for the domestic violence he witnessed against you?

oh bloomin heck… i thought i remembered your user name

you the op of the thread about not inviting someone to your daughters birthday party? You were mauled on the thread if i recall?

I don’t think I said that. My exH was abusive, that doesn’t mean the kids witnessed violence though he certainly scared the shit out of all of us on numerous occasions.

🤣 that thread was good craic

I think this! She has added value, at her own non-returnable cost.

He is totaling mugging her off, and really setting the standard for their relationship.

I wonder if the beach house has become some sort of metaphor for the breakdown of the whole marriage, and that’s why you are giving it unwarranted meaning. Rather than an eye-roll at him and pity for her.

Yes definitely. The beach house is at a place I went to as a child, I really loved that house and had visions of happy family holidays there and taking our grandchildren there. The kids love it and so do I. It has to be sold, I’m not trying to hang on to it, but it’s sad. ExH knows all this and I do think he gets sadistic pleasure out of twisting the knife. He thinks because I ended the marriage I have no right to feel emotional about it.

oh i read the 8 year old much more affected by the conflict he was exposed to and exH’s abuse. on the other thread i was on with you to mean he was

you didn’t seem to think so at the time!

Oh I remember that. Purely because the OP must have reminded everyone that she is a LAWYER about eighty times. Lest we were in any doubt.

I do have experience, and nobody can prevent questions being asked. You don't know if the girlfriend was sorting the underwear. You only have the posters word for it.

Take your BF there and leave a sex toy in your undie drawers and watch him blow up 😂 If his GF sees his reaction and light bulbs come on, it’s a bonus.

it made me laugh at the time! 😆

The beach house is at a place I went to as a child, I really loved that house and had visions of happy family holidays there and taking our grandchildren there.

Oh, I’m sorry @Endoftheroad12345 , I can understand why you feel so strongly, it’s not “just” a beach house, it’s part of your memories and your hopes for the future.
Now your ex has buggered this up.