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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider breaking up due to his anxiety?

23 replies

CallyT · 30/10/2024 22:08

My boyfriend has admitted to having slight anxiety he is not medicated for.

The issue is recently he is constantly 'worried' about me.

Example: we were on a long weekend staying in a hotel. On the way back he said he wanted to go into a shop for a drink.

I said 'ok we'll need to find a shop' and he said 'there was one in the same street as the hotel'. I said 'oh didn't notice.' Him: 'oh? That's a bit worrying.' Later I couldn't remember the street we came down in this new city and went to check on Google and he again said he was worried about me! At which point I told him to stop it as I'm a grown adult and he is stressing me out over the most inane things.

This is new behaviour and its making me feel like a helpless child. As though I can't function without him worrying for my welfare.

OP posts:
Evaka · 30/10/2024 22:12

Sounds like he's massively irritating you- that's a very good reason to break up.

Original poster
CallyT · 30/10/2024 22:14

The odd thing is we went on holiday together 2 months ago and he didn't behave like this at all...

OP posts:
chocciemonster39 · 30/10/2024 22:27

OP can you give a bit more background info so we can help? How long have you been together? Are there lots of good qualities you see in him that might “make-up” for this downside? And how often is this happening?

I suppose if he’s a great guy and you feel there’s something worth saving then maybe you could have an honest conversation with him bringing it to his attention that he seems to be constantly worrying about you and you’re concerned for him and the relationship? You could gently encourage him to get help (be that medication, therapy etc.) and see what happens?

OTH if you’re not that keen then you’re justified to break up with him. Uncontrolled anxiety can be very hard to live with, and I say that as someone who has had severe OCD.

Original poster
CallyT · 30/10/2024 22:37

@chocciemonster39 we've been together about 1.5 years and friends for longer

It upsets me because I feel like he's saying there's something wrong with me and I can't function as an adult. I suppose it feels a bit infantilising?

I love him and the relationship is generally good otherwise.

OP posts:
chocciemonster39 · 30/10/2024 22:47

@CallyT I can totally understand it’s not good to be on the receiving end, it sounds frustrating! If it’s any consolation then if it’s anxiety then he won’t be doing it to deliberately upset you and in his mind he’ll think he’s protecting you so doing a “good” thing.

Sounds like you have something worth saving so maybe speak to him about it? Speaking from experience, it’s easy as someone with anxiety to minimise how bad it’s got. Might help him to have a (kind) reality check?

ForPearlViper · 30/10/2024 22:52

You need to be 110% certain this is worth it. What you don't want is to end up with your world getting smaller and smaller to keep his anxiety in check. and it so often does. Whatever empathy you feel, this needs nipping in the bud with your boyfriend very proactively engaging with help.

SkaneTos · 30/10/2024 23:38

From the examples you gave here, he sounds patronizing.
It does not sound like he is worried about your welfare, more like he is worried about your mind, the way you think.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/10/2024 23:49

How might his concern manifest itself in the future? How would he react to you going out with friends, at night, or alone...
His anxiety, especially unmedicated, could really impact your life.
He needs to address his issues before your world shrinks to make him "not worry" about you.

Original poster
CallyT · 30/10/2024 23:51

@SkaneTos and there's nothing wrong with my mind.

Take the shop example. If I said I hadn't noticed a shop to, surely anyone else, they would've surely replying saying 'yeah it's just next to the hotel' or whatever?

@Justmuddlingalong he doesn't act like this at all if/when I go out with friends at night. He likes to know when I get home etc but doesn't feel unusual.

OP posts:
ThisSpryMintFox · 30/10/2024 23:53

It seems a little odd but unless there’s anything else major it sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.

HalloweenHaribo · 30/10/2024 23:53

'Slight anxiety' is what most humans have.

He needs to stop patronising you.

So if this is a new thing, nip it in the bud and tell him to stop every single time.

PatButchersEarring · 30/10/2024 23:57

That sounds more like trying to undermine your confidence than his own anxiety to me.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/10/2024 23:57

The issue is recently he is constantly 'worried' about me.

This is new behaviour

He might not be trying to restrict your life now, but I'd be concerned it could be the next, new behaviour, dressed up as concern or worry about your safety.

CheekyHobson · 31/10/2024 00:01

TBH it doesn’t sound as though he’s so much actually worried about you as that he is subtly putting you down as inadequate.

KingOfPeace · 31/10/2024 00:02

With the shop example I read it as he was saying he was worried he'd misremembered.

Are you sure this isn't just some annoying verbal tick? Bit like a teenager.

Has he done anything else? You seem to be projecting a bit here.

Original poster
CallyT · 31/10/2024 00:03

@KingOfPeace no definitely not.

He was saying he was worried that I didn't remember seeing a shop earlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
CallyT · 31/10/2024 00:05

CheekyHobson · 31/10/2024 00:01

TBH it doesn’t sound as though he’s so much actually worried about you as that he is subtly putting you down as inadequate.

If he is doing this it's 100% unacceptable to me.

I'm an adult woman who lived without him just fine for years. I'm not going to be put down.

Otherwise our relationship is happy and good - but what if it is the start of something?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 31/10/2024 00:06

PatButchersEarring · 30/10/2024 23:57

That sounds more like trying to undermine your confidence than his own anxiety to me.

This is what l was noticing. He is trying to make you doubt yourself, putting you down. I actually don't see the anxiety here but more him subtly inferring there is something wrong with you. I don't like it.

Original poster
CallyT · 31/10/2024 00:12

@junebirthdaygirl I know and where the heck is it coming from all of a sudden?

I told him sharply I don't need him to worry about me and make me feel stressed by saying these things.

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 31/10/2024 00:32

PatButchersEarring · 30/10/2024 23:57

That sounds more like trying to undermine your confidence than his own anxiety to me.

This. Sounds like he's trying to undermine you, make you question yourself, your mental fitness. Just on the edge of gaslighting so I'd be wary.

Original poster
CallyT · 31/10/2024 00:41

@colouringindoors I felt quite upset about it.

We've had an almost magical relationship so far, with minor ups and downs. It will be really hurtful if he turns out not to be what he seems.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 31/10/2024 10:37

I don't see his comments as his anxiety, I see them as patronising put downs made to make you feel stupid. He's masking his poor behaviour as 'concern'.

Who cares if you didn't notice a shop? Does it matter? No! You need to tell him he's being petty and the behaviour needs to stop. If he refuses to accept it as bad behaviour then that's the end of the relationship. You cannot live your life being put down all the time.

Original poster
CallyT · 31/10/2024 11:29

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn exactly, who cares? And again that I thought we were to turn down one street instead of the next, who cares?

It is definitely patronising.

Im starting to think he's checked out of the relationship and this is why he's being so irritable and odd.

OP posts:
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