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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding- night before

21 replies

bigredhen4 · 30/10/2024 16:04

Getting married around end of 2024. Hubby to be is Scottish. We live in England and are getting married in England.
We are staying at the wedding hotel on the night before the wedding with our families. We have told guests this, and said they are welcome to join us if they wish. (A lot of guests would be travelling in from Scotland the day before anyway).

My question is, should we be hosting that night (ie paying for food and drinks for anyone who has arrived the evening before ?) or would everyone look after themselves. We are planning that it is just a casual evening.

OP posts:

owlexpress · 30/10/2024 16:07

The wedding party, ideally yes. Anyone else, I think it's fine to assume they'll pay for themselves.

AuntieStella · 30/10/2024 16:21

I went to a wedding like this a few years ago, but the other way round IYSWIM; I was one of the English friends of the England resident couple, who were marrying in the bride's Scottish hometown.

We all colonised the same hotel, had a wonderful pre-match party, and all paid for ourselves. It didn't cross my mind that the hosts would be coughing up for anything other than the reception after the wedding.

WingSluts · 30/10/2024 16:22

owlexpress · 30/10/2024 16:07

The wedding party, ideally yes. Anyone else, I think it's fine to assume they'll pay for themselves.

I'd echo this. If anyone doesn't have a choice but to be there, you pay. If they choose, they can pay unless you can fund everyone. However, if you do have two different approaches, just make sure it's not obvious so it doesn't feel like some are on the A list and some on the B list.

Maybe you could put a few quid behind the bar, everyone sorts their own food and things are kept really casual.

WingSluts · 30/10/2024 16:24

Also, just to complicate things further, we did similar and it turned out a lot of people after felt obligated to join the pre-match celebrations and were a bit jealous of those who opted out and had a lovely day/evening of sightseeing so make sure it's crystal clear no one is obliged. DH and I also wanted an early night and felt we couldn't so set out your boundaries as well.

Sorry - I sound like such a fun sponge!

BigDahliaFan · 30/10/2024 16:27

We put on a bit of food in a similar situation, partly because there were family from both sides who hadn't met. But it was only about 25 people and did a buffet hot pot sort of thing.

I think in your circumstances I'd be letting people know that you'll be in the bar from x time and leave it at that. Book a table for the wedding party before hand and be in the bar afterwards.

toomuchfaff · 30/10/2024 16:28

I had a Scottish wedding and all my friends and family travelled from England the day before, we were all staying in or close to the hotel. We advised we would be in or aroubd the hotel bar/restaurant. People could call in say hello, stick around etc, and people came ate and drank - on their own dime.

Cousins did a rehearsal dinner at their wedding location, more formal which they paid for but it was an invited event.

If it's informal, they pay themselves, if it's invited event I'd say you pay for it.

ButtSurgery · 30/10/2024 16:28

We didn't - we just encouraged everyone to do as they pleased and we all came and went from the hotel. I was busy making bouquets etc, so barely got time to eat tbh! My family also came down from Scotland, most treated it as a holiday.

Magnastorm · 30/10/2024 16:36

As a guest, I wouldn't expect anything the night before at all. I mean, you could arrange to meet for dinner and drinks etc but personally I don't think there is any obligation on your part to pay for it.

angellinaballerina7 · 30/10/2024 16:37

I think you have to pay for anyone in the wedding party and anyone you’re requesting to be there, but other than that it’s really their choice to be there the night before.

NewName24 · 30/10/2024 16:39

If you are letting people know you will be there, if anyone wants to join you - then everyone pays for themself, and I can't see there would be any expectation otherwise.

If you are asking telling people they need to be there, or even implying it, by having some sort of big dinner together, then that puts a very different slant on it, and I don't think anyone who has been asked to be in your wedding party should be expected to be forking out for extra nights in hotels, extra dinners, etc. In that scenario, I think you should pay (or offer to - people might argue with you and then that is different).

Raberta · 30/10/2024 16:48

I'm Scottish, but never been part of a group that stayed overnight altogether at a hotel wedding, so I may not know the etiquette.
However, I think either is fine so long as you are clear. Say, fiance and I are eating at X time in the hotel restaurant. Anyone is welcome to join us, but unfortunately we won't be able to cover the bill! No pressure to join us - if you'd rather eat elsewhere or chill out in your room we will see you in the morning instead!

Pinkpaperclip · 30/10/2024 16:49

SIL gets married in a couple of months and similarly has given an open invitation to family if they want to join the night before they can.

I wouldn’t expect to be fed or free drinks. It’s not a formal event.

If you wanted to do nibbles you could. I’m talking less than £100 from M&S or something. But no don’t feel like you need to pay hundreds on food.

BirthdayRainbow · 30/10/2024 16:52

You saying it would be a casual evening sounds like you don't want to pay for them. If you've said people are welcome to join you then that could appear that you're offering to find the night.

Cheersmedears123 · 30/10/2024 17:28

I went to a wedding recently where everyone staying at the hotel or nearby were casually invited for food and drinks the night before if they fancied it. The bride and groom didn’t pay a penny as no-one would let them.

user2848502016 · 30/10/2024 17:46

We had similar, DH's family travelling quite far. We had a casual thing in a pub, booked an area and everyone ordered and bought their own food as they arrived. It worked well. Don't think anyone expected us to pay

Original poster

bigredhen4 · 30/10/2024 18:12

Thanks all, it definitely wasn't put out there as an invite and I don't think anyone will read it as that. More "just letting you know we will be there". We hadn't budgeted for anything other than dinner and drinks for immediate family and bridal party, who we've asked to come. More than happy to put some money behind the bar to cover some drinks for everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

bigredhen4 · 30/10/2024 18:15

BirthdayRainbow · 30/10/2024 16:52

You saying it would be a casual evening sounds like you don't want to pay for them. If you've said people are welcome to join you then that could appear that you're offering to find the night.

Correct, although it would be lovely to be able to, I don't really want to pay as it's not something we foreseen or budgeted for unfortunately, and now that we're getting close to the day I'm wondering what people's thoughts are. I personally do not think they'll see it as an invite as others have said

OP posts:

Original poster

bigredhen4 · 30/10/2024 18:16

Pinkpaperclip · 30/10/2024 16:49

SIL gets married in a couple of months and similarly has given an open invitation to family if they want to join the night before they can.

I wouldn’t expect to be fed or free drinks. It’s not a formal event.

If you wanted to do nibbles you could. I’m talking less than £100 from M&S or something. But no don’t feel like you need to pay hundreds on food.

Thank you that's a really good idea

OP posts:

Brombat · 30/10/2024 18:17

We had a meal in a restaurant and it was good as people had travelled and most people didn't know anyone else.

I think we organised a set price and people paid for themselves tho.

Bushmillsbabe · 30/10/2024 18:42

My parents paid for food for those staying at the hotel (about 40-50 people) in form of a hot 3 course buffet which I think the hotel charged about £10 a person for. It's something they wanted to do, as the hotel was a bit in the middle of nowhere, and some people had flown in from abroad so no transport available to go for dinner.
But I don't think there is any obligation to do so.

DeliciousApples · 30/10/2024 18:43

Just make sure the venue is clear who the bill is to be brought to and which dinners should be on it!

Tell people you'll be in whatever restaurant at x time if you'd care to join us. Although we can't quite stretch to paying for all the meals we would like to buy a round of drinks for everyone.

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