Feel like I've got the most challenging 21 month old in the world.

[Verytiredmumofone]

Did anyone else's toddler go through anything similar or have I just got the hardest 21 month old in the world.

I'm really really struggling to cope again. I think I had PND after birth for a few months and I feel like it comes back when things are really bad. She has hardly slept in the last 21 months, she wakes, on average, 6-8 times a night, even when in with me, sometimes she'll just be awake for hours. This makes everything else harder to deal with but it's tantrum after tantrum, she pulls her hair out when frustrated sometimes. I can't trust her with other children because she'll be lovely and affectionate and want to cuddle, then just grab their hair or bite them!! Her friend came round today to play and it was a nightmare, every toy her friend touched, my daughter wanted and massive tantrum and tears every 10 seconds pretty much, literally whenever her friend wanted to do anything. How on earth do you have friends around when they are like this?
No one else's child seems to be like this around us and I'm concerned.
I used to work with SEN children and I'm concerned she has some traits.
I want her to have a sibling and I'm feeling more and more anxious everyday because the age gap is getting larger and larger but I'm worried I really won't be able to cope with a newborn too, or if the PND will return and I'll end up in a mental ward or something.

What do I do?

Sorry for the ramble. X

Toddlers are bastards.

That said, is she hitting milestones etc? Have you had any recent HV checks? How's her speech and understanding?

The thing that really sticks out here is the sleep. It's not usual for a 21 month old to wake that many times when they aren't ill. Have you tried sleep training? Could you pay for help with sleep? I'm not against co-sleeping but for some kids, there's a point where you wake each other up and it makes things worse.

All toddlers get a bit rough with play - you do need to intervene a lot at this age. The concept of "mine" is just developing and they can get very possessive.

Is she in nursery? You sound really strung out, and unduly anxious (like, what's the issue with the age gap?) - do you spend any time away from your child? Also, do you actually want another child or do you just want your child to have a sibling, because those are different things.

I agree with the poster above. With that many wake ups, she must be knackered. Tired toddlers are not fun! You may - hopefully - find that if you improve sleep, everything else improves too.
Do you know why she's waking? Is she cold? Needing a run around, needing more relaxing time, hungry, too full .. . The list of possibilities is endless!!

I'd definitely be sleep training.

Yes they certainly can be haha!
Her speech is coming along, she can say probably around 15-20 words and her understanding is very good. She gets very frustrated when she can't communicate though and she is very very headstrong, stubborn and determined.
HV came a couple days ago and is now coming each week as she could see I was struggling.

Thank you for your reply.
Sleep- she goes through stages of only waking once a night to come in with me, or when she's ill, teething, developmental milestone, etc then it's loads. There always seems to be something. It has been shockingly bad for the past month or so and I think it's because of teething as she holds her teeth sometimes and pulls on them. I'm reluctant to do sleep training because the thought of leaving her to cry whilst being in possible pain with teeth is awful.

It's good to hear that she's not the only one who really struggles with sharing and playing nicely. It's just so embarrassing when she is pulling other children's hair out sometimes or biting them where it leaves a mark. How would you deal with this?

She doesn't go to nursery but my mum has her on a Thursday and MIL on a Monday while I work. This is the only time away from her. I guess the age gap thing is because my husband and I always wanted a smaller gap between children. Sometimes I really want another child and sometimes I really dont (mainly because I'm worried I won't cope as I'm really struggling with one sometimes.) Is it likely that in 9 months she will be much easier?

You are not going to end up on a 'mental ward' just because of PND. I mean you could, but the threshold is very high as they are only for the really serious cases. More likely just offered medication/counselling. Maybe this would help you?

I think I have her ‘twin’ but mine is 3.5 now. It’s only in the past 2 months that she hasn’t stayed awake until 11pm. No midday sleep since turned 3. Multiple wake ups, and 2am ‘parties’. Massive tantrums from 18mo (isn’t it supposed to be 2??). Not only wanted her things but all her siblings stuff as well.
BUT, now she’s sleeping most nights. She is bright and enthusiastic and very articulate. She is very busy but plays so well on her own with great imaginative play. Her tantrums have greatly decreased - obviously her frustration level has decreased as she is better able to say what she wants. Sharing and not grabbing is still a work in progress.
Toddlers can be hard, very hard! I really feel for you. But it will get easier. Just believe that you’re doing a good job, because you are!

It is worth asking HV to do any screeners but TBH you don't seem to get referred in the UK until later on even if it's clear something is going on.

I think the most useful thing I have learnt with my DC is to understand sensory integration, which you might know something about already, but would likely help and won't hurt if it turns out she is just being an ornery toddler with nothing else going on! The Out of Sync Child (or the highly sensitive child) tend to be a good starting point.

Oh my goodness I had such a tricky toddler - she woke every hour as a baby and a lot as a toddler. She was far far easier once she could talk. She hated being a baby basically. Now she’s a reasonable 13 year old! But she really really tested my resilience. And she is my middle of 3 kids so I was on my knees with exhaustion.

You will survive!

Do get sleep training help. Pay someone

Do some sleep training. Her behaviour will be better when she's sleeping well and it'll be easier to cope with too.

It's normal for toddlers to find sharing their toys tough, don't have playdates at home if she struggles with this, meet at playgroup/softplay etc.

My middle child had really extreme behaviour at that age. Crashing into me and the walls at bedtime, hitting out and kicking. It took 2-3 hours of him literally bouncing off the walls every night to get him to sleep and he was usually up by 4:30am. He had no fear and I had to follow him everywhere in case he jumped off something or hit out at another child. He is Autistic, but he is also very sensitive to missed sleep. A lot of the extreme behaviour went when he finally started sleeping through. Lack of sleep can cause a lot of issues with regulation. I had to stop taking him anywhere for a while, at least when it was just me, it got too much. He needed really close supervision for a long time.

I was pregnant at the time the behaviour started. I ended up getting bad PNA after the baby was born, had it after my first too, but not after my second. I was more aware the second time I got it, went on medication, got help sooner. After DS3 was born I ended up moving his bassinet and a mattress into DS2 room so I could get DS2 back to sleep quickly when he woke. It was the only way I could get any sleep at all. Getting him back to sleep quicker meant he was getting a bit more sleep and slowly built up until he was finally sleeping ok and then his behaviour improved a lot.