Is one night during week at other parents house disruptive

[spicychickenwings]

I’ve written on here before about my DS moving to live with his father next year to start secondary school. DS wants to attend the same secondary school that his step siblings attend and also wanted to spend more time with his dad. I have agreed to this although I would like DS to stay at my house one night during the week as well as every other weekend and half the holidays. I feel like this will allow me to see my son more and stay involved in DS education, which is Dad has not really cared about during the primary school years - hasn’t been supportive of extracurricular activities or homework.

DS Dad is saying that this will be disruptive for DS and for their household. The commute from my house is 15 minutes approximately more than DS dad House to the school - around 50 min in total. I think one day a week this is manageable and I travel to the station also so can travel with him or drop him on the days I am WFH.

Ultimately, I want the best for DS and I’m being pressured to sign this agreement from his solicitor to get it signed by the court to make it final. I can’t find any information online to help me make this decision.

Are there any parents here who have a child who stays at the other parents house during the school week? How have they found this? Should I just agree to every other weekend and half the holidays or keep pushing for the one day a week?

How will the child get to your house in the evening and are you saying you will be able to drop them off at school on that day every week or just some times?

What does DS want?

No, we never found it disruptive. In fact, now the kids are older they go between houses as they please.

15 minutes' more is not disruptive. There is obviously something behind that coded wording from him.

I would argue the huge benefits of maintaining an active parenting relationship with the caregiver who has been the main provider of educational support to date far outweigh any potential disruption.

I won't be dropping them to school, either traveling to our local train station for him to get a train or dropping him to station.

DS is happy with the one day during week at mine and majority of days at his dads.

Don’t give in if it’s what your ds wants and it’s reasonably commutable

i think they stay during the week isn’t ideal.

It means getting back from school the night of the stay later after having to travel, having the get up earlier the next day and more travel back to school.

you need to put your son first in this situation and listen to his needs. He’s asked to be at his dad’s more so let him. Stick to every other weekend and half the holidays.

Don't sign it if you're not happy with it.

It doesn't sound like it would be problematic, so I'd stick to your guns.

If your son struggles with it, you can rethink and adapt it for his sake, but I wouldn't give away contact time through legal agreements that you'll find hard to get reinstated.

FWIW my dc didn’t want to stay overnight with their dad on school nights because of having their school stuff, clean uniform etc, but they go there straight from school one night and come back about 8/8.30pm which also works although I’d prefer them to stay overnight!

We found it disruptive. Sd hated it, she had to remember two days of books or PE kit, she had school uniform here but often had to do homework which she struggled doing away from her normal routine.
In hindsight we should never have pushed for it and for her I wished we hadn't.
The children here full time struggled as it was disruption to their routine too.
It created issues most weeks with various issues from mum, forgotten stuff or just a grumpy teen that wanted her bedroom and dad wanted time with her so they sat downstairs doing homework which she hated and so the whole evening was spent battling grizzles and strops.

Ultimately it's what works for your son. But in our case it was a negative

Not overly disruptive no, particularly when DS wants it. Why not start with that as the pattern and see how he gets on?

My DC travelled by train to secondary (bursary kids at private school). It was 50 min trip. They also had a longer school day + extra curriculars and Saturday morning school. They managed this fine and did more exams than in a State school and still got great grades. They were tired at times (mostly due to late night phone scrolling habits). Lots of children had similar commutes. 50 mins is totally normal for secondary age.

I think how disruptive depends on the child and their situation.

One of my teenagers could do a midweek in a different house no problem. Minimal school equipment, and each day just rolls around.

Another of my teens would totally struggle. Organising books/folder/PE equipment etc to be in the right house to complete homework and take the correct stuff each day would be very difficult for him/parents. It would cause a lot of anxiety and difficulty day to day, week to week.

What is best for your child?

One night a week and every other weekend is a pretty standard arrangement. An added 15min commute is nothing and I fail to see how it disrupts your ex's household. Since your DS will be in highschool, they'll need to be organised about bringing the right books home for both that night and the following day, but in terms of uniform, PE kit, lunch bags etc., just ensure you have at least one set of everything at your house (which I assume you would anyway). Don't feel pressured to sign anything from his solicitor if you aren't 100% comfortable with it / want to have a chance to discuss it with your own solicitor and consider all options.

DS dad has said he won't have DS live with him if DS stays with me one day during the week. He's spoken to DS and now DS agrees that he shouldn't come to mine one day during the week. So that's that I guess as it comes down to what the child wants.

Having worked at Secondary School, many students complained at the to-ing and fro-ing midweek. It was awkward, they didn't have the right kit so would get detentions or their bags were too heavy as carrying both that days stuff and the next day - a nightmare if they had an instrument, PE kit and food tech. My own DD dropped midweek evening visits almost immediately on starting Secondary as it was too much and interfered with after-school clubs.

So he’s throwing his toys out the pram? That would make me insist he stays one night. Sounds like he’s still trying to control you and using your son as a pawn. Goodness knows what he is saying to him.