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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

STBXH being so evasive with estate agents

7 replies

CandyColouredEggshells · 30/10/2024 10:42

Left my STBHX in April due to abuse. Since then he’s been an absolute nightmare; denying abuse completely, making out I was mentally unstable, turning my friends against me, wanting to fix things and offering me the world if I wanted to give us another go, blaming his MH for the abuse and wanting me to support him in “getting better”, then he met someone else and she has been very heavily involved with my DD (initially without me even being told) despite me saying this made me uncomfortable with how quick it was, then he thought he’d acted rashly and wanted to fix things between us (again) despite making no attempt to break things off with his new GF.

I got quotes for, arranged and paid for a company to sort the hugely overgrown garden, arranged estate agent valuation and photographer and did all but one of the 10 viewings we’ve had, going round to clean/tidy up on all occasions. We’ve now agreed on another estate agent (the first was a more “budget” one and we weren’t getting any feedback and it’s all on an app which there’s been a couple of issues with) and I’ve arranged and paid for the garden to be done again, arranged the valuation again and the photographer is coming this week, told STBXH and his response was “I’m not in that day”. Not a massive issue because it’s still my house and I’ve got keys etc, but it makes my back hurt just thinking about how much effort I put in last time de-cluttering and tidying so it looked nice for the photos, and I’m dreading doing it all again, alone. Not even really an AIBU, but I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
ExcludedatfiveFML · 30/10/2024 10:45

Eyes on the prize. Getting rid forever.

He has to wake up and still be himself every single day.

You get to be you. You win, in the end.

CandyColouredEggshells · 30/10/2024 10:56

Also (still ranting, sorry!) completely feeling like he’s the fun, Disney dad and I’m the skint, stressed, non fun mom. Staying with family cramped in a spare room (which I’m very thankful for) whilst he takes DD on lots of fun days out/activities and the days I’d booked off in half term I’m spending cleaning/tidying and accompanying a photographer. sigh

OP posts:
Laiste · 30/10/2024 11:16

I hear you.

My X let our home go to rack and ruin and was evasive about getting it sold. He was obstructive/dragged his feet over divorce papers ect too.

We lost money on the cottage because of the state he had it in when it was viewed. It was beautiful when me and the kids were still living there ... My pride and joy.

😡
Fucking twat.
(this was 16 years ago and it still has the power to wind me up!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/10/2024 11:56

Op why does he get to stay in the family home when he's the abuser? Seek legal advice and dv charity advice I think you can get an occupation order for the home and a non molestation order so he can't go there. According to a man I met recently (not planning on dating him don't worry as huge red flags!) this was very easy for his stbxw to do to him based on her lies.

He will use any tactic he can to delay the sale. Don't let the estate agents realise this or they might put off buyers. A similar situation certainly put me off when I was looking to buy.

Look up grey rock for dealing with anything to do with communication with him.
Read how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court.

Let go of any hope he will ever understand you or admit to what he's done or be sorry or change. He won't. Don't engage with any discuss about the relationship with him, save it for your friends, journal, therapist and Mumsnet. Redirect any thoughts about 'why did he do that!' To 'how am i looking after myself and my own wellbeing'

MzHz · 30/10/2024 12:02

So he’s abusive and controlling

why on earth did you think he’d be anything less than difficult?

do what you you gotta do to get the house sold, don’t rely on him at all, cover all appointments and works, just inform him of xyz and get it done.

CandyColouredEggshells · 30/10/2024 14:54

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/10/2024 11:56

Op why does he get to stay in the family home when he's the abuser? Seek legal advice and dv charity advice I think you can get an occupation order for the home and a non molestation order so he can't go there. According to a man I met recently (not planning on dating him don't worry as huge red flags!) this was very easy for his stbxw to do to him based on her lies.

He will use any tactic he can to delay the sale. Don't let the estate agents realise this or they might put off buyers. A similar situation certainly put me off when I was looking to buy.

Look up grey rock for dealing with anything to do with communication with him.
Read how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court.

Let go of any hope he will ever understand you or admit to what he's done or be sorry or change. He won't. Don't engage with any discuss about the relationship with him, save it for your friends, journal, therapist and Mumsnet. Redirect any thoughts about 'why did he do that!' To 'how am i looking after myself and my own wellbeing'

He stayed there because that was what I chose, when I left (with the guidance of a DA organisation) we did look into it but tbh even though the living situation for me is not ideal now I hate being in the house.

Estate agent is already aware of the situation (in part) as I’ve said we’re getting divorced and he’s met someone else so is keen to move on and start a new life with her. Surely it’s not in the estate agents interests to put off buyers anyway?

OP posts:
CandyColouredEggshells · 30/10/2024 14:56

MzHz · 30/10/2024 12:02

So he’s abusive and controlling

why on earth did you think he’d be anything less than difficult?

do what you you gotta do to get the house sold, don’t rely on him at all, cover all appointments and works, just inform him of xyz and get it done.

Don’t think I did really 😂😂 just get to the stage when I think nothing could surprise me and then find myself dumbfounded over him 😂

OP posts:
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