to be exhausted by DHs anxiety?

[museumum]

My Dh (early 50s) has become more and more anxious over the last ten years or so. He's got better at talking about it and understanding it but he's still almost always anxious. I am really really sympathetic and my main motivation is not liking seeing him in a bad place but I'm also exhausted by him never seeming happy. In a very over-simplistic way he brings the mood down. He's either in a catastrophising spiral of thoughts or he's manically trying to distract himself from his anxiety. Neither of which is a nice relaxed experience for me and the dcs.
Am I an awful person for being tired of his anxiety? (YABU)
What on earth can be done about it?
If you've got anxiety - is there anything your partner can do to help?

My DP suffers from depression and anxiety and it is all encompassing. It affects his sleep and every waking hour, except when he’s talking about his special interest or having sex, so we try and do both regularly!

Is there anything in particular that distracts your H? Has he tried any medication/therapy? (Mine has tried everything to no avail, but worth talking to his GP if yours hasn’t)

Is your husband getting the appropriate treatment? Meds and therapy? I mean talking about it is great but it isnt fair to put it on you, you arent a trained mental health professional (probably lol) It sounds as if he is NOT though if he is still in the depths of this 24/7 - get him back to his doctor for referral onwards to phsyciatrist etc

I have GAD and am on strong medication for it - and at times it has dominated my life and im sure my husband could agree with with much of your point. I have managed to get better over time but i do still have my moments

It feels like a demon is dragging you down by the ankle - pulling you to the depths of hell, your stomach is churning and your chest feels heavy, your throat tight and you feel like you may actually die and dont care if you do, anything to get away from this putrid overwhelming feeling of impending doom - and this can last continously. Until I got on my current medication - I had felt that for several years non stop and had begun to DSH as a way to cope. I did not want a future if it meant living like that

From my POV - I kind of agree and disagree with you. I think anxiety is awful for bystanders to be around, but so is any other illness

Anxiety is absolutely out of our control and WE would also rather not have it. Literally it has ruled my life at points

I mean would you be writing this if your husband had cancer? HIs cancer is bringing the mood down and he's never happy? How do you think he feels? It literally makes you feel like life is not worth living in any way shape or form

I would say that when i was at my worst, I knew the effect it was having on my husband - he did tell me once how his anxiety was affecting those around me, - not in an argumentative way, but I think he was expecting this to help me snap out of it - and it made things so much worse that I withdrew from everyone and didnt talk to him about my MH at all, as i didnt want to be a mood hoover as well as everything else. I went from being my whole self, in front of him - to pretending all was ok - fake smiling

Until I had a crisis..but that is another story

But that is my ramble - and I think, you are allowed to feel like this, I mean I am sure I would in your situation too, yknow - so dont feel bad.All you can do is support him

But what helped me was getting on the right medication. I dont do therapy ive tried it all and im therapy resistent

What meds has he tried? If none, he needs to get a grip

No, you are not a bad person. Anxiety is very draining and a cloud over the household. I have a DC who is anxious. I would only be able to tolerate it for a child. In a partner I would find it impossible.

Ignore this poster. Clearly they’ve never suffered with mental health, lucky thing.

Seriously though you are allowed to feel exhausted by your DH’s anxiety and mental health never just hurts the person going through it. It has a knock on effect. Your feelings are valid. Has DH spoken to GP or gone to see a counsellor? I would say the first thing DH needs to do is seek help, at least you know he’s working at changing his mind.

What has the GP advised?

Thanks for the responses so far. He's not been to the GP. I think he doesn't think the GP can help and it's 'not bad enough'. He's not suicidal or anything, he just spends his evenings going over stuff from the day to check he's not done something stupid (which he never has). I think I need to try to push him harder to go to the GP (even though I can't imagine him agreeing).

He has a responsibility to you and your DC to go and get some professional help, whether he thinks it's worth it or not.

I've been diagnosed with both anxiety and depression and at the end of the day, it's up to me to handle it and to get myself the appropriate help as/when it's needed.

Well, if he won't go to the GP, I have lost all sympathy for him. There's a lot they can do. You have every right to feel exhausted and fed up.
Anxious people have to help themselves too.

YANBU. He hasn't even tried to help himself. He needs to go to the GP and ask for meds and talking therapy.

You've had this for ten years?! Are you in a caring role or is he an equal partner?

I wouldn't put up with it and would give him an ultimatum, he either gets treatment or we separate. Treatment would involve, seeing the GP and getting a check up (there are many reasons for anxiety) as well as discussing treatment options.

I would expect him to get therapy and learn strategies for dealing with his mental health. I would also encourage exercise and a good diet.

What meds do you take? My anxiety doesn't let me take any due to side effects but I always try to look at options.

When I was suffering with anxiety I paid ££££ for talking therapy as I could see how much it impacted on now DH and our life together.
I don't know what he expects from you if he won't do anything about his anxiety?

I'm not in any caring role. He would consider that he functions "ok", he has a good job (which he doesn't like much) and participates in family life. but he will be up a lot in the night with worries and distracted quite often and that is even with going for regular walks and doing other exercise to try to keep it in check. He is worse on Sunday nights and weekday mornings so it is focused on work but I don't think caused by work, it's just something for the thoughts to focus on. I think the fact he 'manages' means he feels it's not bad enough for the GP or medication. I know he won't want to take medication.

I was married to someone like this and have to confess that I eventually left him as I couldn’t cope any more. He used to obsess over things, googling frantically for as much info as he could find on the subject then getting fixated on the worst case scenario each time. He absolutely refused to make a decision on anything in case it went wrong, even stupid things like he’d never cook just in case the food wasn’t perfect. We had to have daily rundowns of everything that had happened just in case I might have done something different to him. It was utterly exhausting and I’m so much happier alone.

I have been exhausted by someone who had the same problem for ten years and had done sweet FA about it.

He needs to take some responsibility and go to the GP.

My older sister (I am 53) has spent about 3 years doing therapy and is on meds and is vastly better but she should have pulled that trigger years ago.

Yanbu, living with other peoples mental health issues takes a toll on everyone. I think you need to tell him, its not healthy for you to just be absorbing all his anxieties but not feel like you can share your own. And if he knows that it's affecting you, and still chooses to do nothing to sort it, then ywnbu to think about leaving, or whatever action you need to take to protect your own mental health. If its mild, it may be that CBT might help him, its not talking about your childhood or anything its just trying to recognise and avoid negative thought patterns and habits

I say this as someone who has had therapy and periods of medication to manage my anxiety…

anxiety is inherently selfish. It’s focussed on your own feelings above other people’s and, while that’s exhausting and stressful for the person struggling with it - it is also absolutely exhausting for the people living with them.

Can you gently explain to your husband that you love him and aren’t going to leave but you really really need him to get some help. If not for himself then for you..?

#manreplying

Just out of interest, what is your husbands job? I feel this sometimes puts things into perspective.

Is he working as a cashier at a supermarket and he gets stressed because people question him about the price of apples or is he in charge of taking down a large scale drug trafficking ring and he is faced with widespread intuitional corruption on a daily basis?

Either way if he decided to have a family then he should be able to be there for you.

@alliwantforchristmasis50k hes director Lendl in a professional job. No lives at stake but jobs and solvency rely on his judgment.

Totally this.
I was exhausted after years of DPs anxiety affecting everything. Finally I couldn't take it any more, and said arrange GP appointment or it's the end. It sounds selfish but it was awful. Some, not all, people suffering from anxiety project constantly on to their loved ones.
GP prescribed Sertraline and the difference is amazing. Life is completely different now and I could not go back to the way things are.

You're only human and there is an element of soft tyranny that can take place which the unfortunate person with issues can invertedly wield.

*as far as you know. He isnt suicidal as far as you know

I always find it important to remember that what we know about each other (even those closest to us) is really only the tip of the iceberg to what is there under the surface of all of us as individuals

I have been suicidal a few times times...and most times I have never even considered telling my OH or indicated it - because I realised the pressure this would place on him...which is part of the reason you started this thread. I wonder if what you know, is the tip of the iceberg and he is sheilding you from the reality of the situation

It is a vicious circle, we are supposed to tell those closest when we reach rock bottom, however I for one, was well aware that my OH would have struggled with that information.

He does need to see the GP however he will only go when he is ready, if at all

Can you PM me ill tell you - no idea how to pm haha

I struggle with anxiety and I wouldn't say it was really severe. I don't have suicidal thoughts/thoughts of self harm or anything like that.
It can be all consuming though!

I went to my GP - took medication for a while but also accessed some on line help to develop strategies for coping with it (through silver cloud - not sure if it's available everywhere). Both have helped massively.

I still have points where I struggle but I am coping so much better.

He may not be able to help having anxiety but he does need to access appropriate help.