Being told you look tired

[Loub1987]

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable to be bothered by this.

My parents whom I see probably once or twice a year, no major issue just live in a different country, whenever they are here just keep telling me I look tired. I have two very small children and work full time so I imagine i do, but it just feels so unnecessary.

When I was younger and would come home from university occasionally, if I wasn’t wearing makeup my mother would always tell me I look sick and am I okay. So I never went home or met her without makeup on, however, I’m now mid 30s and busy and can’t be bothered. I don’t think it was a conscious insult, I think if I wasn’t wearing makeup she just thought I looked sick.

I am a very pale person and one who seems to have permenant darks circles, which I’ve always had even as a teen.

So, I suppose that was a bit of a rant but also a question. AIBU to think that telling someone they look tired is rude?

ha, my mother said this to me this past weekend. I'm your age and I just interpreted it as she's suddenly noticed I look mid-30s as she doesn't see me that much.

My mum is the same, yes I look tired because I am 44 years old!! It's infuriating! (Especially when it happens on days when I thought I looked nice!)

Thanks @Coffeeisnecessary and @girljulian, I feel better knowing it’s not just me!

I think it's just people that care about you asking about your health. Please try not to take it as an insult.

Maybe, 'yes mum, I am a bit tired. Can you take the kids for a day and let me have some rest?"

It's never a kind thing to say, unless it's in the context of offering support.

I expect they r worried about you because they love you. Maybe have a conversation with them and explain what you have in your post and thank them for caring so much but ask them not to.mention again.

One day you'll realise how lucky you were to have had parents that cared so much x

I have dark circles around my eyes, so I tend look tired or ill even when I am feeling great. When we go and visit my older sister I always have a bet with my DH how soon into the visit (5 minutes) my sister will ask if I'm feeling alright as I look tired. I always win the bet!

Thank God for Touche Eclait.

One of my colleagues often says this to me and I don't think she's being mean but it does my head in as it makes me then feel more tired 😴😅

Really, OP’s mother has been saying this, since university, so for years.Would you like to be told, regularly you look sick and tired.If you have pale skin, the only way to change this is to wear a lot of make up, not everyone wants to do or has the time.That’s not showing you care, it’s putting someone down.

The joys of being pale

When I was younger a doctor said "she's very... pale. Grey"
Dad "half dead is just her normal colour"

Thanks for that dad

Most of the people won't mean to cause offence by saying that. It is just a kind way of showing interest in the other person.
Look at it from another angle. If you knew someone who does not look well, how would you gently ask them about their lives without being too intrusive?

I find it rude. It is a classic female on female crime. Getting a dig in, but with the plausible deniability that you are just concerned.

My Dad used to say I looked like a vampire in need of a fix. My nickname at school was the ghost (I have very light hair too!). I’ve even had work nicknames and young Spanish lads calling Blanco blanco after me when I was a teenager. Or and in Singapore, locals asked if they could have their photos taken with me. After having my appendix out, I got a visit from the anaesthetist. They’d be called them to check on me because I was so pale after surgery. As he’d seen me before surgery, he confirmed that was my usual completion 🤣.

phew - got that off my chest!!

Op, my MIL does this all the time and I’ve known her since my teens. It used to confuse me a bit then and when I struggled with how I looked after having kids, I found it surprisingly painful. She does lots of other stuff too - do your parents? Try giving her a score out of 10 every time she does it on how much the comment landed that time. Advice we were given from a counsellor for my MIL. We were told you can’t stop someone wanting to be a bitch to you (also work if they’re repeatly accidentally upseting you), but you can lessen the impact by leaving their behaviour with them. This is a good technique for learning to do that. Surprisingly effective. We used to do it the second we got into car after visit and at some point we realised we’d got home without doing it. She does it a lot less now, hardly ever…. I assume that’s because there’s little point saying it now the knife doesn’t land!

My lovely sil said it to me recently and I was really narked about it initially, and then it made me think, 'oh dear that's not good'.

I try not to be offended by it, but have started responding shorter.

It is currently 3:20am and my stepson has had a single hours sleep, so if anyone says I look tired tomorrow/today/whatever it is - firstly I’ll probably believe them, then my response will likely be “I am.” 😂

Next time someone tells you that you look tired, respond by saying, “do you know, I was just about to say the same thing to you!”

My friend had the best retort for this when her MIL kept at her, saying she looked tired every time she saw her.

She replied with 'you know what (Brenda), I'm not tired. I'm never tired. I've just aged and this is what my face looks like now so stop going on about how tired I look. Its offensive.' She never mentioned it again!

😂 I wonder whether they’ll accept it as ‘concern’

Another person here with natural dark circles and I think it's rude and unnecessary. My mother used to say this to me quite often, with a bit of an accusatory/sad tone, as if I'd inflicted them on myself somehow. So frustrating - I cant bloody help it!
We had a 'spirited conversation' about it one day and she stopped, thankfully.

It's not so bad your own mother saying it, but I have other people saying it to me constantly and yes it is a bit rude. I have permanent dark circles that need to be covered with concealer or complete strangers pass comment on the street.

Perhaps if normal unpainted faces were the norm it wouldn't be so likely to cause a comment

If you normally make up and then don't you will look tired , and if you didn't have the energy to do your normal make up that would also indicate you were tired and struggling

And anyone who loved you might be concerned at that

I would take it from my parents. But it can sound rude coming from anyone else!

I quite like being told I look tired because I nearly always am! Wouldn't be so keen if I was feeling my best.

I went round a National Trust place with dh and the walking was a killer. I waited for dh by the Loos and was leaning on a fence post when a lady stopped and asked if I was OK. Nice of her but I must have looked proper shit.