Why are my family like this

[Greeensage]

my dad and older sibling are enablers shall we say. My mums always been in charge to the point where I have a. Bad complex of feeling the need to please her / get her approval all the time. Even as a 27yo adult with my own kids

I feel like I still need to ask permission and tell her every detail of my life? It’s only as I’ve met my DH and our relationship has gone on over the years he’s helping me see it a bit

she always has to be right in her eyes and gets annoyed if I don’t agree with her. She tries to control aspects still , tries to inset herself with our kids aka the things we do/how we dress them etc

and something quite dark but I revealed I was pregnant (9months after my first child) and she essentially just told me it wouldn’t work, I couldn’t handle it and I’d get depressed and the kid would suffer and that she couldn’t mind 2 at once for me so I’d be stuck for childcare
and it kind of swayed me to the abortion I had. Because I believe she’s always right and it’s stupid and why have I been this way?

why is it I’m 27 and feel the need for approval from my parent still or need permission?

Title is wrong sorry it should just say my mother. My dad and sibling just enable this stuff really. Say you know what she’s like

dont upset her as it’ll ruin the mood (when I lived at home this is what I was told)

apologise to her (when she goes in a tiff)

You are going to have to stand up for yourself.
it's not on you to deal with your mother's controlling attitude, and your family shouldn't pressure you NOT to say anything, nor should you have to apologise for no reason.

You have your family. She's going to have to accept that she doesn't control that. Might be time to grey rock. You don't have to ask her for ANYTHING.

What does grey rock mean sorry x

Grey rock - you react as a rock would (not at all) and grey because its neutral.

You're not a child, you're a grown woman. Don't apologise to placate her, don't tell her anything you don't want to and don't ask for her opinion.

She'll push back, expect some drama.

How do your siblings interact and respond to your mum?

Is it purely your mum being overbearing, or do you generally lack confidence and seek her support in everything?

Fwiw - having two children so close together would be hard and it's normal for grandparents not to be able to offer childcare for multiple babies/toddlers. It sounds like she reinforced your feelings, rather than forced you into an abortion. I think you and your husband need to take some accountability and responsibility here.

I never said she forced me into an abortion let’s make that clear

i said her viewpoint (mainly badgering how I wouldn’t cope with two and I’d get depressed) swayed me

i was scared and worried about a baby yes and I was scared what I’d do second time round

I haven’t said she forced me.

I’ll leave some details out. It’s a hard time to revisit but she didn’t force me no. But she badgered me and did constantly ask me after I told her when was my abortion booked. to ‘let her know’ how it goes.

Then you should have told her to stop talking about it as it's personal and upsetting.

I'm not having a go, but you need to take responsibility for yourself and your feelings and reactions towards your mum. You're 27 so should be able to make personal decisions without involving your mum. Therapy will likely help you to understand your upbringing and where you want to get to.

Familial relationships are often very complicated and if your relationship with your mum is causing you upset, then it's worth exploring.

I do take responsibility for that decision as I’m an adult I went to the appointment I went through with the procedure

but yes. I should have never even told her in the sense of I was seeking her approval. I should have never told her I was pregnant again as there was no purpose

if I’d left it later she probably maybe would’ve held back on all the comments on how I couldn’t manage or do it (which were my deeper worries)

but my post isn’t about this isolated incident. It’s one of many things that are adding up

• she gets annoyed if I don’t bring the kids round (we both work full time) but doesn’t offer or ask to come round. She doesn’t like my house and constantly tells me we need to move
• puts down DH at every opprutunity
• Gets annoyed with me if I take my kids to in laws/do anything with them
• constsntly says she doesn’t like how I dress them then tries to replace their wardrobe and gets huffy when she’s asks if she should return and I say yes (as I know she’s trying to dress them the way she likes)

just some minor examples above off top of my head

And I think she puts DH down because she knows he’s trying to help me become more independent

You need therapy, OP. There’s no point in telling us how domineering mother is and how your sibling and father enable it. The only person whose behaviour you can change is your own. You chose to terminate your pregnancy. It’s ok to sit with difficult feelings around that decision.

Okay that was a poor example and I feel like the focus has shifted a bit. It was just to show how she inserts herself into everything in my life

I wondered more if anyone could relate or had a parent/parents like this

Pick one thing, state a boundary and stand your ground. Let her get upset, its ok and its not your problem. In your shoes my boundary would be 'don't put DH down'.

None of those examples are kind of her, no wonder you're feeling rough about it.

Therapy is definitely the answer. It'll help you identify the impact her behaviour has on you and ways to break the pattern going forwards. It's not cheap but it'll be worth every penny.

Another poster suggesting therapy, I got some was because of something else not about my mother originally but in the process I realised how much she manipulated me into doing what she wanted, helped me see it and change how I reacted to her.

I have a mum like this just firm boundaries. Mention to your mum possible adhd and get her to reflect

This is along the right lines, but not a good example, as OP cannot stop words coming out of her mother's mouth.

OP the first step is to think of something totally within your control, and then don't let her interfere. Such as what you do with your money, or how you spend your time in the evening, or what clothes you wear.
Ignore her comments. Let her get upset. Let her scream blue murder at the top of her lungs - she has no power over you. Stand your ground.

Feel free to walk out of the room, leave her house, or insist she leaves yours. Don't worry about being rude - you have a right to be rude if she starts it first.

Then move on to something to do with DC - what they eat or wear or their toys. Again, insist on being the one in charge and ignore her tantrums.

It is very difficult to change life-long patterns of learned behaviour, but you can do this.

Gray rock method

You mention she puts your husband down because she realises he encourages you to be more confident, that's definitely a sign that someone wants to separate you from someone they consider to be in the way. Take a look at the link above and see if you can try it out.

Here's the thing OP - she can only insert herself into your life if you let her. You control how much information she's given, how often you visit her etc. If she puts your DH down, get up and leave. I would never sit there and allow my family to run my husband down.

It sounds like you could benefit from some counselling. You need to get to a place where you're not seeking your mother's approval.

Thank you. My husband has actually mentioned therapy so it seems to be reaffirmed here

I need to be tough but anytime I try to be firm I get painted as the black sheep of the family and everyone just says it’s me being in a mood :/

DH has bitten his tongue so much I’m suprised it hasn’t fallen off.

My mum is quite judgemental and controlling but we get on well now after I've had a load of therapy. I've learned how to say no/that's private/I don't want to discuss that. It took years but it bloody works!

You can't control other people or how they feel, and establishing a boundary isn't about trying to control others. A boundary is about what you want, and letting them know how far they can go before you tell them to stop, or walk out.

Therapy can help you, but you also need to know that it wont fix your family. It will only change the way you react to them and feel about them. Its very common for people to become upset when you make big changes. therapy will help you understand where they are coming from, and you;'ll have some compassion for them but without feeling like you'll need to go along with it.