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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really worried about this?

4 replies

Roto · 29/10/2024 14:53

We're NC with DH's parents. They are difficult and controlling and made life hell when I was pregnant and then when DS was born.

Eventually, it came to a head when DS was 11 months old. They were awful in a restaurant, shouting at us, his mum stormed out, his Dad stayed to argue more, and then they left. Me and DS have not really seen them in the 18 months since, except two occasions when they were outside our house, both of which ended in shouting.

DH went to see them once in January of this year. They weren't apologetic - he said in their usual style, his mum cried a lot, and then they rewrote history, denied anything that made them look bad and were not at all argumentative. He's not been back, although he's arranged to go and see them a few times and then cancelled. He admits he's happier not seeing them but does feel some guilt. His parents have stopped coming over, but do message him monthly or so with random updates.

Last month they messaged that they are getting older and would need his help soon, and so the relationship would need to improve. They also said they were gravely disappointed to have missed out on so much time with their grandson. He didn't reply.

Before we fell out, they'd been threatening to move close to us for years, and DH had always put them off. FIL was never keen to move, so it didn't happen. Yesterday they listed the house. I am now very nervous that they intend to move close to us.

AIBU to be really anxious about this? They made life awful. They've got previous for looking for us (they once drove around restaurants looking for us because they figured we'd go out and eat after registering the baby, and then insisted on crashing the meal and awkwardly sat with us for two hours). I'm also pregnant, which they don't know and we hadn't intended to tell them.

I know there's nothing we can do about it, but it feels horrible. Realistically moving isn't likely to be on the cards with the state of the economy right now.

OP posts:
renovationqueen · 29/10/2024 14:56

YANBU, this sounds like a really distressing situation.

SauviGone · 29/10/2024 15:06

Your DH has a strange idea of what NC means - he’s been arranging to go and see them, even if he has then cancelled. His done this on several occasions. That’s not NC.

Are you really sure he’s on the same page as you about this?

Feeling anxious is understandable, but your DH has been giving them mixed messages by staying in touch.

They sound like the kind of people who need to be told in plain language that your DH doesn’t want any contact with them.

Roto · 29/10/2024 15:13

SauviGone · 29/10/2024 15:06

Your DH has a strange idea of what NC means - he’s been arranging to go and see them, even if he has then cancelled. His done this on several occasions. That’s not NC.

Are you really sure he’s on the same page as you about this?

Feeling anxious is understandable, but your DH has been giving them mixed messages by staying in touch.

They sound like the kind of people who need to be told in plain language that your DH doesn’t want any contact with them.

Edited

I think to be concise, I've made that sound worse than it is.

DH feels a lot of obligation towards them. I told him that I want no contact and I think they're toxic and damaging to DS, and we agreed he would have no contact either, but I wouldn't stop DH seeing them.

Twice in two years, he's said he'll go and see them to talk about things, and then changed his mind. I don't meddle in those decisions. I have encouraged him to go to therapy and talk to someone else, I encourage him to talk to his friends.

They probably do need to be told that DH wants no contact, but I'm not sure he's made peace with that enough himself yet to be able to do it. He still holds a tiny amount of hope that one day they could be good parents/grandparents, which I've read is not unusual.

OP posts:
ShortWide · 29/10/2024 15:23

I would be very worried too. I think I’d get a Ring doorbell, call the police if they start harassing you, and look into moving to another town.

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