Cannot afford milestone birthday gifts for friends - AIBU?

MintTwirl · 29/10/2024 12:17

Talk to them, they are your friends. I honestly wouldn’t expect friends to buy me special gifts especially if they were already paying for an activity/travel etc.

Hatty65 · 29/10/2024 12:17

I'd tell them before hand. If they are good friends, which presumably they are, I'd phone them individually and say, 'I'm really embarrassed about this, Jane - but I'm really struggling financially at the moment. I've had massive unexpected bills this month and money is really tight, particularly because of my maternity leave and I'm now only part time. I am looking forward to seeing you and Sarah at the end of November, but I can't afford to bring you a gift as well as the stuff we've planned. I hope you understand'.

Only an utter cowbag could say, 'But I WANT a present!' frankly.

tediber · 29/10/2024 12:19

Def spk to them and let them know your situation. I'm sure they'll just be glad your going tk celebrate with them.

WhingeInTheWillows · 29/10/2024 12:20

Just tell them. I’d much rather the company of my friend than a gift. I’d hate to think they were worried about not getting me anything.

LizzoBennett · 29/10/2024 12:22

I'd speak to them too, and I would potentially treat them to a birthday lunch or something nice on their 31st birthdays if they were very generous with their gifts to you earlier this year. Not that it is a transaction, but it would make me feel better in your shoes.

SighTime · 29/10/2024 12:24

Just tell them but don't say you are embarrassed and don't be embarrassed. People get unexpected bills, it's a normal part of life.
I'd also let them know so that they can be mindful of costs when you go for the weekends.

Sofaspot · 29/10/2024 12:25

Talk to them. Tell them in advance, so that you don't feel uncomfortable, but I can't imagine I or any of my friends would think anything other than glad you can come on the trip, don't worry about a gift

Original poster

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:26

Thank you! The trip is costing me about £150 end of November which is more than I can afford but I’ve already agreed and to be honest do want to go as I feel like I need it and want to celebrate with them!

I will text them and let them know, thank you

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BleachedJumper · 29/10/2024 12:27

How much do you think their gift plus the birthday lunch you had cost them?

How much are you paying to attend this event?

It could come out that them choosing a lavish ‘event’ type birthday is the same as your simpler meal, so I would feel that you attending is the gift giving.

I think a sincere message in a card can be as thoughtful/sentimental.

Original poster

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:29

BleachedJumper · 29/10/2024 12:27

How much do you think their gift plus the birthday lunch you had cost them?

How much are you paying to attend this event?

It could come out that them choosing a lavish ‘event’ type birthday is the same as your simpler meal, so I would feel that you attending is the gift giving.

I think a sincere message in a card can be as thoughtful/sentimental.

Their event alone is more than they paid gift wise and meal for my birthday. So I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad, but with them being close friends obviously I feel bad x

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Superscientist · 29/10/2024 12:31

What's typical in your friendship group because I have never bought a friend a present and never had a friend buy me one. I would absolutely count being there to celebrate my birthday as much more important than a gift.

Dragonflysparkles · 29/10/2024 12:31

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:29

Their event alone is more than they paid gift wise and meal for my birthday. So I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad, but with them being close friends obviously I feel bad x

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Nothing to be embarrassed about just be honest, no one decent will care. But please don’t position your attendance at the event as a gift to them.

WaltzingWaters · 29/10/2024 12:32

I wouldn’t expect fancy gifts from friends anyway. But I guess it’s different if they’ve already got you something. But yeah, just be honest and say money is tight at the moment.
I’d say a nice card and bottle of wine and bar of chocolate is fine if you do feel you need to get a gift - £10 ish, done!

But yeah, most adults would be absolutely fine going without a present when their friend is struggling financially, and would much prefer they made the effort to go to the celebrations instead.

another1bitestheduck · 29/10/2024 12:41

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:29

Their event alone is more than they paid gift wise and meal for my birthday. So I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad, but with them being close friends obviously I feel bad x

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When you say "their" event though is it something that will just benefit them?
If its something like going to see a show then I think it's a bit cheeky to lump all that together as part of their total birthday gift, as you will also be benefiting from the pleasure of seeing it etc.

Their birthday might be the reason for the trip but it doesn't mean that you can consider your attendance as some sort of selfless sacrifice on your end - you're paying to do something with your friends, the fact that it's to celebrate their birthday is a bit by the by.

If they had said "hey I see X is playing in Y in November (or whatever the thing is) does anyone want to go" with no mention of their birthdays, would you still have gone (before all the costs of the boiler etc.) because it is something you'd like to do? Or would it not be something you'd really have been bothered about but only agreed because it was for their birthday?

Original poster

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:41

Both friends have replied that they wouldn’t expect a gift and the fact that I still want to go and celebrate with them is more than enough as they know how much I’ve had to pay out for lately!

OP posts:

Original poster

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:43

another1bitestheduck · 29/10/2024 12:41

When you say "their" event though is it something that will just benefit them?
If its something like going to see a show then I think it's a bit cheeky to lump all that together as part of their total birthday gift, as you will also be benefiting from the pleasure of seeing it etc.

Their birthday might be the reason for the trip but it doesn't mean that you can consider your attendance as some sort of selfless sacrifice on your end - you're paying to do something with your friends, the fact that it's to celebrate their birthday is a bit by the by.

If they had said "hey I see X is playing in Y in November (or whatever the thing is) does anyone want to go" with no mention of their birthdays, would you still have gone (before all the costs of the boiler etc.) because it is something you'd like to do? Or would it not be something you'd really have been bothered about but only agreed because it was for their birthday?

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Definitely not a selfless sacrifice, it’s something they wanted to do and invited a bunch of us but it’s definitely something I’d like to do. (And need to be honest after a couple of months of crap!)

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Wells37 · 29/10/2024 12:49

I would much rather do something fun with a friend than a present. I'm sure they will completely understand.

Morven7 · 29/10/2024 12:52

They are your friends, just tell them

Sprig1 · 29/10/2024 12:58

Can you make them something to show your love instead? Then you don't have to go empty handed. I am thinking something cheap but that requires effort like jam or biscuits.

OhYeahOhYeah · 02/11/2024 20:36

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:12

I have 3 milestone birthdays coming up in November for friends. 2 of them want to do something expensive for their birthdays in a city 2 hours away which I have agreed to doing at the end of November.

We have had numerous unexpected bills come up (new car, boiler) it feels like one thing after the other. Because I’ve already agreed to end of November trip I will still go (and I’ve paid deposits for things) but I just cannot afford any gifts.

I recently returned to work part time after mat leave so money is tight.

The only thing is they all purchased me gifts for my 30th earlier on in the year, we did a cheap meal out too as I was on Mat leave.

So do I show up to their birthday events wit just a card, or do I tell them beforehand about money situation and it was either a gift or go to their event?

Oh that’s rubbish for you. Bills always seem to hit when you can least afford them

Speak to your friends. They’re adults after all and surely would much rather your company than a gift 💝

stichguru · 05/11/2024 22:11

Could you make or prepare something for them?

Roco11 · 24/11/2024 18:03

You could get a nice spiralbound notebook for them to tell you about what they love about your friendship (similar books are sold on Etsy or Amazon for around £10).
You could write a question on each page i.e.
What is your earliest memory of our friendship?
What is your favourite memory of us?
Craziest memory etc etc