Just the 4 of us for Xmas Day and I'm thrilled

[Itsonlybridget1]

Not really an AIBU but this year we've finally managed to get xmas dinner just the 4 of us. I have nearly 6 year old twins and previously we've hosted my mum & dad, or brother has had everyone over (around 13 people). DH's family live a couple of hours away and SIL has 2 kids. We don't want to go to theirs for xmas and they don't want to come to us - all amicable and we see each other boxing day or the day after.

My brother & SIL have a spectacular house, it really is the stuff of dreams. They love my kids but I'm on tenderhooks all the time, I feel like I'm constantly telling them off and to be careful and not to touch anything (DB does have 2 children but they're pretty much grown up now)

I'm almost giddy at the thought of us having xmas day to ourselves, I've ordered some bits from M&S, the kids can chill all day, maybe we can go out for a walk in the morning and eat a bit later on (Mum always wants to eat before 1pm).

I suppose is my AIBU to be this giddy about it 😂

Growing up there was always only my parents, my sister and myself. My parents weren't sociable and never had people round.
My friend has 12/16 people for Christmas and I just don't know how she does it.
This year there are only the 2 of us - bliss!

You are NOT being unreasonable op.

We had this as a one off a couple of years ago. We always host everyone every year - 14 people come to us, in addition to the 5 of us. We can't really get out of it now, we're the only ones with enough space to host.

Then 2021...dh had covid. Positive test 3 days before Xmas, thankfully he wasn't unwell at all but still positive (had to test for work). Lots of family members have health issues, no way anyone could risk it by coming.

So it was just the 5 of us. And it was really difficult sounding sad and disappointed when talking to the family when dh and I were doing an internal happy dance. It was a great day!

The worst bit of Christmas is the expectation. Just going with the flow sounds brilliant.

Enjoy it, we are 3 and we enjoy Christmas dinner together. Way back it was my parents that hosted and DB, SIL and us - 7. Nephews had kids, so SIL sees them now on Christmas. Parents have passed away.

We miss them, but we find the whole Christmas dinner process less stressful

There’s been a lot of threads lately about how to avoid extended family members over Xmas. It’s sad because there’s a bunch of uncharismatic possibly neurodivergent older people who might only get to feel part of a family over Xmas. I had a great uncle once who was a sole caregiver of an adult son with learning difficulties. I didn’t live in the country at the time but was on holiday there and naively suggested they came to my aunts house for Xmas dinner because I assumed families all got together at Xmas.
They both turned up eager and smiling and sat at the table and devoured every dish and after a while went home. They weren’t sparkling entertaining guests who everyone was looking forward to spending time with, they were just ordinary, forgettable family members with no one to spend Xmas with.

I can see how a Xmas with just your own nuclear family is a better option for many, but I also hope that people keep opening their homes and showing love to all the unconnected, lonely, socially awkward members of their family

I hear you OP. In the last 6 years we've had one Christmas at home (2020). Have had another child since then and I am SO excited to have a December with no travelling, no managing grandparent/aunt/uncles expectations, no dealing with time changes, no trying to keep children behaving/entertained in someone else's home, no family dramas, no 'oh you have to have at least one sprout, it's Christmas law!'.

Don't get me wrong, there's lots to like about Christmas spent with family, and we are privileged to have family who we love and love us. Next year we'll most likely be back on the rotation, but this year it's just us. I can put up my own decorations (we don't usually have a tree when we're away for the main two weeks it would be up), we can make our own traditions, I get to experience the magic of tiny children enjoying Christmas in their own home, we can head out for walks when we want, stick on a movie if we want, eat what we want, give gifts whenever the kids fancy rather than having to save some for after dinner or whatever the rules of that house are. This year we don't need to conform to anything or anyone else. I'm going to soak it up!

I wonder how you'll feel when your children have tiny children of their own and say 'ooo sorry nana and grandad. We want to soak up our tiny children and enjoy Christmas magic alone. See you next week

Happy for you and glad it is all amicable. Enjoy the day.

YANBU at all. We do Christmas just as a three and love it 🥰 our own traditions, our own ways of doing things and it's brilliant. I'm so glad we established this as a tradition when DD was born.

And we tell her every year, when she is grown up there will always be a place at the table for her and whoever she wants to bring with her, but there's equally no expectation and we'll be equally happy to catch up after Christmas and find out what she's been up to ❤️

It sounds like bliss. I hope you all have a lovely day.

Hmm, have given it some thought, written about 7 different responses and in summary...

I think I'll probably will look back on the magical time I spent with my own children whilst they were tiny and either be super glad I enjoyed it at the time, or wish I'd taken a leaf out of their book and been a bit more selfish and travelled/kowtowed less. I will fondly wish them a wonderful Christmas making their own memories which will keep them warm and toasty for years to come safe in the knowledge I'm not being a hypocrite because I remember how much I wish I wanted to do that when I was at their stage. Also if I'm lucky enough to live somewhere where I can 'see them next week' (rather than the 28 hour roundtrip involved with my kids grandparents) I'll be even more overjoyed that they live close enough for me to enjoy them all year round rather than once or twice a year.

Wait, she's spent 4 out of 5 (6?) Christmases travelling somewhere which involves time differences and you feel entitled to start guilt tripping about this one year? Really???

'Enjoy them while they're little' they say, 'this time is fleeting, soak it up' they say, 'the magic doesn't last forever' they say, but 'don't you dare do anything which may disappoint the grandparents'. I just despair!

You do you @Beansandneedles , sounds like you have the scales of balance tipped waaaaaaaay more towards the grandparents. I hope you have a really wonderful time making memories with your little ones without crossing timezones and whatever else you said.

It should be the norm. People spending it however you want without this obligations and resentment.
We have been doing this since the very first time with our dc. It's our way or tough luck. Thankfully everyone is happy to do their own thing or pitch in if they are coming over. No way I'm dragging my kids around to please other people.

There are only ever two of us any yes, it's lovely

I'm looking forward to this Christmas! I'm usually on my own but this year, my DS and DIL are coming to stay.

YANBU at all, but you may find that your DC aren't as excited about it as you. After many big Christmases with extended family, the DC found Christmas by ourselves too quiet/ underwhelming.
Back to big family Christmas for us this year.

No family members have been left on their own, my parents are going to my DB house, husbands family live 2 hours away, there will be 7 of them for xmas day so plenty to go round.

My parents will probably visit in the morning before they go to DB's - it's just having the day to fully immerse ourselves and not feel any pressure - especially whilst my girls are young, I want them to enjoy themselves. I love my DB deeply but they are very particular about their house - and good for them, it's their house and their rules but my 5 year olds want to be 5 year olds and just bloody enjoy themselves and play with all the toys.

If my DB had not invited my parents they would 100% be coming to our house.

My in laws are actually visiting at the moment to look after my girls during the school holidays, we actually discussed christmas and we all agreed that it works well as it is at the moment - neither of us want to travel so far away from home on xmas day, but we always see each other the next day (or at a push the day after) and have a lovely get together.

Nice one, OP!

We usually got to my SIL's, she is a great host, does a fantastic dinner etc but this year I think it is just the 3 of us, DP, me and DS.

Toxic MIL has been angling for an invite (we have her every year) and we have of course told her to join us but she has declined as we have chosen not to have a christmas dinner this year, we are going to do a fancy shmancy buffet instead as I have decided I don't want to be chained to the kitchen all day and would prefer to spend it playing with my 4 year old.

I am still uncertain I am making the right decision because I do love a dinner, but we shall see.

I am also thinking of taking a lovely christmas morning walk with my boy, dp and the dog.

I remember doing this one year as a kid, just the 5 of us, kids ate what they wanted and parents had steak! The doors were all locked and we were all in our PJ's all day! One of my favourite Christmas memories!

I think it's a mass movement - myself and everyone I know is having a relatively relaxed and quiet Xmas this year.

Oh this story made me feel quite sad.

But I think a lot of the people not wanting to spend the day with family members mean in the sense of obligations, expectations, guilt tripping, passive aggressive comments, work, no one helping, people just wanting to be waited on, people whipping small children up into a frenzy, and being taken advantage of left right and centre. Your great uncle and his son don’t sound like that at all.

And there is always the thing that Christmas is a season not a day. You want to hunker down with the kids on Christmas Day? Have a nice meal with the grandparents the week before, or after. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I've managed it once in 22 years! COVID year meant it finally happened and I didn't have to feel guilty. My DCs wete 18 and 20 by then though so not quite the same.
Both my mum and mil are widowed. DH is an only and my sister lives miles away, so I always feel that both grannies have to come to us, or they would spend the day alone.

Enjoy yourselves.

For various reasons it'll be just us for most of Xmas, some people popping in and out. I don't know how I feel about it! We've never done that, always had family stuff (no drama, all good no matter which side of the family). I think if anything I'm feeling more pressure? My DC are a bit older, past the "magic of Christmas" stage and I absolutely do not want it to be another day where we're all doing our own thing so I'm trying to find things everyone will enjoy/engage with when there's not the usual entertainment of other people.

I hear you. I remember the first time it was just the 4 of us for Christmas. No stressing and so chilled. Enjoy 😊