Hurtful in-law situation

[Stressedoutmumof2]

Just a bit of a grumble. PIL have moved DH’s younger sister into their first home this weekend that they gifted them money to buy and have spent the weekend there cleaning and painting. They are planning to do the same for his other sister who is hoping to buy her first place shortly as well. We had zero help when we bought our first flat a few years ago and I can see DH was a little hurt when he found out but has tried not let it show.

We are in a difficult situation at the minute with juggling two kids, jobs and a house renovation and I think what is feeling equally hurtful is that we are no longer invited to family meet-ups when the sisters come to visit. DH will just get photos on the family group chat of them all going out for meals, the partners playing golf together or everyone going out for cocktails. We just no longer get invited, not even DH to go on his own. Obviously we don’t expect to be invited or involved every time but it’s really felt very noticeable over the past year. The obvious difference is that we have young kids and money is tight for us at the moment so maybe they don’t want to invite us if they think we can’t afford it and/or get babysitters. However, we can afford to go out occasionally if we have notice and certainly DH could even just meet them for one or two drinks at the weekend which he’d love.

No fall outs and generally when we all get together everyone gets on well. It’s mainly DH who I feel for and obviously I take it personally that they would rather go for cocktails in the sun than head to soft play with my 3 and 1 year old (joking - I know which one I’d rather choose 🥂)

DH has mentioned a few times now that he didn’t realise everyone was visiting and to let him know next time so maybe he can see them and met with lots of “oh yes, definitely, miss you, miss the kids” and then nothing changes. Probably nothing can be done but any suggestions on how to boost DH and help him not to feel rejected by his family?

Me personally I would speak to his parents yourself and tell them DH is upset about being left out.

What about your parents & siblings if you have any? Could you do things with them?

I'd send them loads of pics of you all having jolly fun without them but I'm petty like that 😂

But yes, someone should ask them what gives. DH ideally but if he's too hurt and you have a reasonably good relationship with them then you could also do it.

Every child should be treated equally. When each of mine moved into their first property I cleaned for them. If I spend on one I transfer the same money to the other. I always invite both out to meals. Why should I favour one? That’s not how I feel (or indicate to them hopefully).
If I were you I’d spend more time with your parents. Leave your in-laws to their pathetic nonsense and protect your husband.

I suspect this isn't done consciously. I had the same with my parents. I'm the eldest. When I was 17 i worked so hard to buy a battered car and maintain it. When my brother was 17 he had one bought for him.

Of course my parents had more available cash by the time he was that age. They couldn't afford to do that for me at that time.

You cant be invited for cocktails when you have young children i get that. When people are childless they want to do different things

Invite them over for afternoon tea, pub lunch etc.

They are probably inviting their parents to things. Are you?

Just leave the chats and be satisfied ils have 2 golden hands to wipe their arses when they get old and decrepid... You don't need such favouritism rubbed in your faces... I backed away from ils. Felt like I had taken back some control when I stopped giving a shit.. Ironically ils raised sil's 6 dc. They got teens and dumped them... Even during Covid nobody helped out...

‘This chat just seems to be about going out when we’re not invited so I’m muting it now’

I’m assuming the siblings don’t have kids yet? So easier to arrange adult outings? Could you suggest a family friendly day out eg a National Trust place-great for kids, nice for adults, it’s something my family does, everyone has a nice day out, kids get to play/run round/there are enough adults to keep an eye on everyone. It is tricky to organise something everyone’s happy with, I’m happy to go along with kid oriented outings when I visit family, there are 7 kids between 2 families.

I would be mentioning this to your pil, tho, it’s horrible to be left out.

I suppose I could chat to them but I rarely see them without DH there, a phone call feels excruciatingly awkward and I think a text message would be taken badly and forwarded to the rest of the family to be dissected and may make the issue worse.

My family are scattered all over the world so we don’t see them very regularly. It’s lovely when we do though!

I have similar in my own family. I have learned that it doesn't matter what you say to them, nothing will change. It is shit of the ILs.
Just be careful because when they get older and need help, you might find that the favoured daughters melt away never to be seen again, and who does that leave to care for the ILs? Don't get sucked in. Let them all do what they want and have a lovely life, secure that you owe no one anything x

Oh I think parents of young children should definitely be invited for cocktails! We need it more than most after being terrorised by them all day😉

Maybe it is because we don’t invite them to as many things though. They are all quite wealthy and their lifestyles reflect that and I suppose I feel conscious of the fact they probably wouldn’t want to spend any time at our house with chipboard flooring and a makeshift kitchen so I don’t invite them over for lunch or dinner as much as I should. The kids are more tricky because their ages mean they are early risers and usually grumpy by mid afternoon and the in-laws enjoy late nights and lie-ins so we’ve never had much interest in them joining for child friendly activities in the mornings.

You don’t have to sound confrontational though, maybe a text with something like

“really lovely to see you pics from last weekend/whenever. We’d love to catch up with you all, any chance of joining in next time! Would be great to see everyone for a get together xx”

I feel differently than the other posters. I think you should leave your husband to deal with this. He knows his family better than you do, he knows the dynamics and the ins and outs and the history etc. Him approaching them would likely land better vs you approaching them. And if he doesn’t feel comfortable approaching them, it may be for good reason. Families are complicated and I think it’s best for him to decide if he wants to say something.

I think @WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing's message is good.

I can understand how your DH must feel sad about this. Hopefully it's just circumstantial rather than intentional

Your DH needs to talk to them.

;) yes to the cocktails ;)
Honestly you're overthinking. Noone notices chipboard flooring. What they do notice is a warm welcome and a hug. Invite them for lunch and tell them to bring a bottle for when the kids get naggy and go for a nap .:)

Why doesnt your dh just ask why he is treated like this?

Have you said no ever because of money? Most threads on here say stop inviting once you get a couple of "no's"

Money is always hard when the younger ones get things handed to them but the older ones get nothing are made to feel 💩 about it when it’s brought up. Do what you like with money but make it fair or don’t give it all.

when parents need help when older I bet the sisters disappear

Don't do this it is absolutely up to your DH to speak to his parents if he feels strongly enough. You could be seen as overstepping the mark by ALL parties

Just invite them anyway! Early morning and all. Maybe they will take your cranky kids in the afternoon sometime!

overall family dynamics are hard, but all you can control are your own actions.

We had this with my in laws. Treated my hubby like a 3rd rate citizen even though he was always the one to do everything for them. Middle child syndrome springs to mind. He was always left out. His sister got everything paid for and they were always visiting his older brother but when invited to ours would say oh we’re not coming that way. After they posted my hubbys 40th birthday card through the door while he was sat on the couch he stopped making an effort with them. Sometimes it’s best to just step away just because they’re family doesn’t mean they need to be in your life. Your hubbys mental health will be suffering because of it all as my hubbys was. He will be better without.

The unfairness will become apparent when they have kids and you find they’ve stepped up for childcare / family holidays and didn’t do anything for you.

Do you have family? If so I’d be sending a message by making a huge deal on the group chat over things you do with them. A post like ‘GC with the grandparents’ and then twenty photos of them having the time of their lives with your DP will 100% send the message they aren’t doing enough.

I think you also need to get better at posting about the unfairness as you see the photos. A quick ‘our invitation must have got lost in the post then’ should be enough to get them to stop flaunting these meet ups even if it doesn’t shame them.

It sounds like they are being awful, but just check these things:

Has their life changed between you buying a house and the SIL buying? Ie, retirement?

Has your DH asked to see them without the kids for the cocktails etc?

And yes, you need to invite them to things

Could they be taking their cue from you, thinking you are super busy with kids now. If you are inviting them round and making an effort, but not getting the same back then it could be worth raising with them. If you, we'll DH really, are not then it's normal they see more of the sisters.

It could simply be that the sisters are making more time for their parents and suggesting things to do. If you are in a small child bubble and only look up from it to see what other people are doing together, it's not an insult.