Is it cheating

[Webbywoo06]

I told my OH that I wanted to separate 2 months ago…
he had an affair several years ago and although we decided to continue to marriage I think we were only together for the children.
I have had years to contemplate and think things over and I have come to terms with the fact it is over and I finally had the confidence and courage to say I wanted to separate.

over the last few weeks I have been messaging a very old friend, I would say he was my sole mate and was my first love.

we want to meet up to see what happens. I know I have told my husband it’s over we are still in the same house until it sells.

i don’t want to be cheating on my husband as i don’t want him thinking this is the reason im leaving him

You're separated so free to do what you want but I'd highly recommend waiting until your affairs are in order before getting into anything new as it gets messy

It’s not really cheating (although technically , until the divorce is finalised, it is!)

However, if you want the new thing to stand any chance of being long term you should give it a while for the dust to settle and not start trying to build something new while you’re still mired in the mess of separation.

If your H does object then he could make things difficult for you and the stress of the divorce will impact on any new relationship.

Of course it’s nice that you have a glimmer of hope to help you move on, but be wary of jumping into something new before you’re really ready. A rebound is never a good thing.

Whether or not it's cheating is entirely up to you and your OH. However, if you're keeping this secret from OH then that probably gives you your answer.
I'm always amazed when people leave difficult long-term relationships and then go straight into another relationship. My advice would be to take some time just for you. Focus on things you want and need that are not linked to a romantic attachment. Cultivate friendships, interests, family connections.
What is it that drew you to connecting with this old flame as soon as you felt a bit of freedom? If you've been feeling like this about him for years, it'll still be there in another year, and you might find out something good about yourself in the meantime.

i don’t want to be cheating on my husband as i don’t want him thinking this is the reason im leaving him if that's because you care about his feelings then give it a gap before you date. By all means meet for a catch up with an old friend though. If it's because you're worried how others will perceive it then stuff that.

Why on earth would you want to jump straight from the frying pan into the fire?
Do you think this person will make you feel young and attractive again (because your confidence was shattered by your DHs actions)? I don't mean that in a nasty way, just that why not just have a few months by yourself? Reassess life, enjoy personal space, do what you want when you want
You do not need a man to validate you! xx

I’d strongly recommend you leave it a bit longer. I was in your exact situation and sadly my ex husband is convinced (even 2 years on) that I was having an affair all along.
It’s not true at all, but he’s entirely convinced and it made for a most unpleasant divorce and current co parent situation.
Leave it a few more months. Or at least until you have made more plans in terms of moving out/ start the divorce proceedings first. I wish I had.

I agree with pp you need to let the dust settle before moving on.

Not technically cheating and dont know the circumstances but if you have instigated the divorce it might be a rub in the face. Mind he did cheat on you years agk.

Perhaps put yourself in his shoes as you know him well and then decide... and the consequences

Might also ruin things with the new guy if you are still living with ex

You will know whats right everyones circumstances are different

I personally think you should take a step back concentrate on getting the house sold and the divorce and have some time to yourself you also need to think about the children in all of this your going to be moving them out of their family home to a new home and their Dad is going to be living elsewhere the children are going to need you instead of getting yourself all wrapped up in another relationship focus on the yourself and the children first.

You’ve romanticised an old boyfriend, if he was your ‘soul mate’ it would have worked out before.

It sounds like recipe for disaster. I’d leave it. Concentrate on working out your new life, making sure the kids are ok

That's up to you but seems very soon