Is there a line between coparenting and friends?

[ThatPoisedAnt]

I have been seeing my partner (I'll call him Daniel) for 9 months now, and generally all is going really well. He was open with me from the start, telling me that he is seperated with a child. Him and his STBXW have been taking steps towards an amicable divorce, and their child generally appears unaffected (albeit probably too young to understand).

I've met everyone, including the STBXW's boyfriend, and we are all quite good at the pleasantries.

Daniel stays at their home every other weekend, and stays with his friend and occasionally with me the rest of the time. He gets on well with his STBXW and they've been coparenting nicely since I've known him.

Occasionally whilst we're together he will call his STBXW to speak to their child, and I generally say hello, but will leave him to call in private. This weekend we had booked a small hotel room for some long overdue 'us time', and it was great. However, during the call home, the call was mainly between him and his STBXW in which she was telling him all about her family dramas, dramas with her boyfriend etc. she brought up something that Daniel and I were going to see over the weekend and asked for us to facetime her so she could be there too. Daniel (to my relief) said no.

I'm all for a positive coparenting relationship, however this felt more like listening to a couple catching up to me. I mentioned this to Daniel and he said that it's easier to coparent as friends than as enemies, I completely agree.

In order to not cause issues, I'd rather just take a knee on this one. However, I was wondering what other people make of this; is this normal? What helped you to be patient and understanding whilst seeing someone with a seperate family? How did you cope with it all peacefully?

I think it's to their credit that they have managed to stay friends and coparent so well. It doesn't sound like you've got anything to worry about although her request for being facetimed while you were out together was a bit odd! But he said no so he obviously realised it was an inappropriate request.

What wpuld you prefer, OP? That some kind of timer went off as soon as they’d done the child-centric stuff and cut them off before they could have any personal conversation? If you can’t handle this type of friendly conversation, and find it threatening, I don’t think this relationship is for you.

I think this is a really good way of co-parenting, OP. I know a few couples like this, and another couple who still live together (as friends, separate rooms) who have significant others they see outside of this arrangement. I really think it's a good thing tbh, bit of a weird request over the facetime but I wouldn't worry much.

It's so much better than having an ex with drama and woes. Better for the children, but also better for you! Sounds as though she likes you - take that as the good thing it is! This could be a nice situation for everyone involved. The children especially.

I’m with you on this, @ThatPoisedAnt. Their dynamic during the weekend was very revealing.

Daniel’s Ex knew that you were on a get-away, yet she intruded on your time together to vent about her dramas during the call instead of keeping it short and about their child, which would have been appropriate under the circumstances. She used the venting to segue into her request to be included in your weekend event, which was a cheeky move.

I would have a bad taste about her entitlement to insert herself in your special time together. There’s being on friendly terms and then there is enmeshment, blurry boundaries, and territoriality. It’s good that Daniel shut down her FaceTime horning in, but his allowing the lengthy coupley catch-up was not on. Besides her intrusion, he is not the appropriate person to be offering his shoulder for her confiding and venting about her BF, family, etc. That kind of dynamic builds intimacy. She is clearly boosted by his attention, and I can’t help but wonder if he too feels a measure of validation.

In my view, Daniel needs to further tighten his boundaries, limit the conversations to child-related news and arrangements, make use of email communication, and stay elsewhere during his contact weekends.

@MsDogLady , I agree.

I would just like to thank everyone for their responses, it's good to hear different perspectives.

He is a lovely partner and she is nice enough to me, so for the meantime I will leave it be. Depending on how it continues, I may ask for some boundaries to be set in the future, such as limiting the conversations to their child/parental responsibilities when Daniel and I are spending quality time together.

Let me know if anyone has any thoughts on this, I appreciate all of your comments!

I can see how you read my post that way, though I'd like to clarify that I don't feel particularly threatened. I just found it a bit intrusive for them to have this catch-up during our (somewhat sparse) quality time together. I'm aware that they chat when he stays at home with her and his child, and that's fine with me, but I feel that in this scenario a quick update on their child would have sufficed.

I value your perspective, and would be interested to hear whether you maintain the same thoughts with this extra detail?

@ThatPoisedAnt , I think your suggestion is utterly reasonable, I don’t think she should be using her ex for issues that she should be discussing with friends.