To send DS to stay with his dad

[lovepie597]

This is my first post here but I'm stuck on what to do

I'm a single mum to DS14, he'd see his dad regularly and go to football matches with him often, go there after school etc up until 6/7 years ago when he moved 2 hours away and met someone new. DS then started seeing him once a month although DS wasn't too bothered and we had a good relationship.

At the start of 2021 I was diagnosed with cancer and while I was having treatment DS went to stay with his dad so he didn't have to see me unwell or have to be a carer for me etc. He came back to live with me a year later (his choice he'd already started secondary school near his dad so I gave him the option to stay but he wanted to come back here). I'm unsure why but DS has been reluctant to go back in case they see each other and his dad makes no effort in coming here so they haven't seen each other since last Christmas.

DS was a quiet, well behaved boy but over the summer something changed and since being back at school he's constantly getting into trouble over silly things. For example: he's required to give his phone to his form tutor every morning but he refuses, he couldn't find his PE hoodie one morning so he took his own to wear but when his teacher told him to take it off he refused he'd never had a detention until this year but now he seems to have one constantly! He just finds it funny when the school/I try to talk to him and he's similar at home with the way he doesn't listen. He constantly snaps at me, if he wakes up and decides he can't be bothered to go to school he doesn't go and a few times he has gotten violent towards me, luckily he is still shorter than me but I know he won't be for long

He's been asking for a nose piercing since July but I've said no as it's against school rules, however today he went out with his friends and got it pierced. Apparently they didn't ask for ID as he was with his friend and her mum. I told him he needs to take it out as next week he won't be allowed it and he refused, told me to leave him alone and pushed me out of his room

I'm worried in case his behaviour gets worse, nothing changed in the summer for him to start behaving like this and school is the same with the same friends etc. He did mention just before the summer holidays that he was being called gay at school but that he wasn't letting it bother him as he knew he wasn't

WIBU to get in contact with his dad and ask if he can stay with him? I'm unsure as he hasn't seen him in nearly a year but I'm unsure on what else to do

Sorry to hear you've been unwell and I hope you're recovering. Teenage boys can be horrors. I don't think sending him away to live with his dad who he hasn't seen in nearly a year is the right course of action though. It just looks like you're rejecting him and trying to get rid of him.

Parenting teenagers is hard and you need to be really strict with your boundaries. Violence is completely unacceptable. But I think you need to think of your long term relationship with your ds and what that may look like if you send him away at this pivotal time in his life.

Don't do that.
Your son is rebelling. A sudden change in behaviour usually means something is going on. Maybe it is being called gay at school, he feels on edge. Maybe it's because it's hit him that he hasn't seen his dad in a long time and why hasn't his dad made more of an effort... Would be a normal thought.

But you choosing the send him away to someone he hasnt seen in ages is going to break any bond you two have left.

Seek counselling for him, on his own or as a family. Speak to school about ways to support there. If he has a particular interest or goal for the future support in every way possible, giving praise at every point possible. Put boundaries in place and stick to them. If he is violent I would call the police, he needs to know it isn't acceptable. That is a definite no for you, and I would speak to him about that when he is calm and make him aware that you love him and all emotions are welcome, but not all actions are. I'd sit down and ask his main issues, share your main issues. Reach a compromise, some things are non-negotiable as you are the parent, but once you have the rules you have to follow through.

The phone... I would just cancel his contract, change the WiFi, etc, he if continues. Where is his money coming from? Reduce it.

You need to know what your boundaries are, what the consequence would be, and do it.

No of course you don’t send him away. You deal with the teenager in front of you who is pushing boundaries. Most of his behaviour sounds like fairly normal teen behaviour. Speak to the school, they can probably offer support

I think you could both benefit from family therapy. You've been through a lot. There's a reason why he hasn't seen his dad for a year and you need to get to the bottom of it. He probably has complex feelings about your illness and being sent to his dad's, even though you did it with the best of intentions. He must have been scared he was going to lose his mum 😢 and he's dealing with all the hormonal stuff that comes at his age. Do you have any strong male role models in his life, grandad/uncles/family friends?

I'd think the behavior means he's struggling (I'm sorry you were unwell, I think that would have been hard on him too) and I'd guess that sending him away would be worse for him. A child I know of who Mum deemed too difficult and sent off to Dad, just got significantly worse because obviously he feels even worse. Perhaps some counseling, on his own or together, to try and see what's bothering him. Probably hard for him not seeing his Dad in so long as well

What’s going on with his Dad?
Why is he reluctant to visits? Is he scared what will happen to him if you get ill again?
Is he struggling with his sexuality?
Bullying ? Exam pressure ?
Does he feel as if he’s your Carer ?
I think he is struggling and needs to talk to someone, your Ex needs a kick up the bum too x x

I’m going to go against most people and say it’s something to consider if the violence doesn’t stop or gets worse. Your priority has to be to keep yourself safe.

You need to ask for support from the school and your DS’s father before taking any drastic action.

So he's reluctant to see his Dad, but you want to send him there for misbehaving. there's no way this is the right thing to do.
Maybe your son has just got in with lads who mess around, act hard.
I would sit him down and try to find out what's going on, is he upset over your illness, has something happened with him and his Dad? but definitely don't send him to his Dad's.

Of course he can't live with you if he is violent towards you and doesn't accept the help you have offered him.

Why does he think being gay is a negative thing?

His mum has had cancer and his dad has basically disowned him. Rather than pack him off to live with a man who clearly doesn't love him, I think you need to contact school and ask for a meeting with their pastoral team. His behaviour at school isn't actually bad at all, but clearly it's worse than it was before all of this. His behaviour at home is unacceptable however I do think it's all linked up with what he is going through

Hormones, the cancer, the moving to and fro, the dad abandonment. Its all contributing to his wellbeing. And behaviour.

While you were ill he might have bottled everything up inside of him, and now when you're better he lets it out. He was probably very afraid to lose you...
Or his dad was abusive to him during his stay there and he's acting out now?
Or he's bullied/having problems in school ?

It's really hard to know but one thing is sure: if his behaviour has changed drastically It's because he's hurting and you need to get to the bottom of it. He should never be allowed to abuse you though, no matter how much he's hurting. If he is abusing you and you are sure his dad is not abusive then I would say, yes let him move to his dad's. But try counselling first if he's willing to go with you.

Heya

It is normal behaviour. Please don't send him away for this, as these things (other than the getting violent towards you) are normal and really not that bad , all things considered

People are saying that there must be something going on. NO there probably isnt, its just normal finding his own feet and thinking for himself

What you have there is a free thinker. I feel where he is coming from, the arbitary rule over school jumpers is shameful that they woudl rather punish a kid for the wrong jumper than give them a days education.

My mother couldnt cope with normal behaviour and we were all sent away to be abused the minute we hit teenage years - i was sent to live with a known schmeadophile and my sibling was put in to the care system where they were SA repeatedly too. Neither of us have relationships with mother

The worst I had done was skive off school one afternoon

I think he's testing you to see if you'll 'reject' him again. I know you were ill and sent him away for his benefit but deep down it probably scared the life out of him you being ill and him not being there. Teenage boys are very cheeky and can be so difficult.

I strongly recommend reading Hold on to your kids by Gabor Mate. It's about attachment theory. His attachment with you will have been damaged when he went to live with his dad. Even if it was for good reason. It's not surprising to me that he is struggling with behavior now. Did something happen last time he visited his dad?

Ask school for support
Ask gp for referral for family therapy
Ask cancer charities for free support and access to psychological help

You sent him away for a year ? Maybe you need to discuss that with him now he is older he may not have understood why... your best intentions to protect him felt like rejection

You need to find safe space facilitated talking