To expect a little more from my friend?

[LookattheLottie]

My 'best' friend stays about an hour and a bit away from me. I haven't seen or really spoken to her in months because there's a new guy on the scene so I don't generally get much of a look in! This happens fairly often!

Anyway she's made her excuses for not coming to my 21st but promised me she'd be there for dd's 1st Birthday party on the 24th May. Only I recieved a text this morning asking if she could come up the weekend before dd's Birthday because 'work wont give her sunday 25th off work.' She says it's too far to come just for the day. I used to go down with C all the time for the day to see her. Not only that but I have a lot of family and some friends coming up who will need to stay for the weekend, so I wouldn't have room for her overnight anyway. I didn't ask her to spend the night, just come to the party. It's really not a long journey.

I've now come to the conclussion that the boyfriend has asked her to do something that weekend so she's making more excuses and wants to come the weekend before instead. I haven't replied, what do I say? May's a really busy month for us, and I don't want to give into her. I make such an effort to invite her to things, arrange to see her, phone her, send her gifts for Birthdays etc, and it feels like it's all being thrown in my face because she's never available. But everytime I speak to her she's off with her fella doing stuff. I'm really upset as she sent me card promising she'd be here for dd's Birthday, in response to the invite I sent her.

Oh, and she's dd's 'God' mother. I use the term in the loosest sense as she wasn't Christened. But I still wanted dd to have one as she doesn't see her dad, ever.

What do I say to her? I haven't responded yet as I'm a bit upset and shocked that she'd cancel on me, again! It may seem petty, but it meant a lot to me that she was there.

ah its tough when u feel let down by good friends...especially when its to do with children too and ESPECIALLY when its that theres a new man on scene again.been there.feeling dropped like hot potatoe.been there.never know what to say.my friend used to recognise if someone did that to her and feel indignant but not notice when she did it...confusing.

I would just reply saying you can't do the other weekend, and the party is on the 24th so it should be O.K. if she's working on the 25th (could she have mixed the dates up?). TBH she does sound very self-engrossed and I wouldn't be bothering too much more at the moment.

the thing is mates without responsibilities dont think it is a problem or upsetting because they arent on the same page as you anymore IYKWIM....i have one particualr friend who does this all the time with me...she promises to come out with me then cancels at the last minute declaring bankruptcy...the next thing i know she is out with a fella ...i haveeven been to hers for a girly night...she got a text off a lad and asked if i wanted to go out with her and this guy ...i left her house and havent been round since

I get that we lead very different lives now, I know she doesn't have the responsibility that I have, I do take that into account. It's just with her sending me a card to say she'd definitley be here, and now she's messing around with it all again.

I know it'd probably be better for me to cut her out of my life, but we've been friends for years, went to college together etc. I just cannot imagine my life without her. But at the same time, I feel like a doormat! And I'm tired of being let down and upset by her.

She is 'boy crazy' if you like, and when she starts dating someone new, I'm pushed away completely. Normally I just let her get on with it and do my own thing, but she promised to be here for dd's Birthday, and I suppose I'm just totally crushed that she's making excuses to not come now.

yeah it is an arsey thing to do on her behalf...maybe you should tell that there is no room for her to stay the week she wants to come and that you are upset about her not coming the day she said she would as you gave her enough notice to have the time from "work" off

I think you should do what Fawkeoff said.

Be straight with her in a non-confrontational way. Say: "Actually, no, it's not okay that you come that weekend. 1) Because I can't do it, and 2) because you PROMISED to be here for the party. I'm feeling a little hurt that you don't want to drive 1 and a half hours to come and see her."

Would she get upset at that?

It's easy to say be straight forward when you're on the outside, but difficult when it's you in the situation.

I have been in a similar position with one of my oldest closest friends. I was really hurt by her behaviour and cooled off the friendship for a long time, and I also came to the conclusion that she was hurting too -- it is such a change to her role in your life now that you have had kids. Not saying that excuses things, just try to put yourself in her shoes for a minute.

OUr friendship has been somewhat repaired but will never be the same, and I now deeply regret not having taken the opportunity to tell my friend how I was feeling.

If you do choose to tell her, make sure you keep the focus on you and your feelings ('I really wish you were coming to the party, and I feel like maybe you aren't making the effort if you only have to work on the 25th). Don't make too big a deal of it, the day will come when the intensity of this first year of your child's life is over and you have more time for friends again; similarly, her new beau will eventually take up less of her time.

All relationships change when your first child is born, imo. Better to accept it and salvage what you can rather than try to hang on to what was.

YANBU

I have lost my best friend because she never made the effort to come when she said she would, neither for social events with me or to see DS, her godson (and he was baptised).

She also didn't make it to his last birthday, though she said she would, and all my other friends/family came, and she was out with her mum.

She hadn't seen DS for over a year when she last saw him, and that was almost a year ago now. She lives literally a 2 minute drive from me

Your friend is being very immature if she is doing this for a man, and she may well grow out of it, and so you should give her the benefit of the doubt. Alternatively, she may be a selfish bitch like my ex-best friend and in that case you are better off without her.

I would suggest you stop making contact, and let her do it. If she does, then you can still have your friendship. If she doesn't, then you will have your answer.

Agree with fawkeoff, tell her what her being there means to you, why you asked her to be godmother, being involved with dd's life etc and don't change your plans as she's as likely to come up with an excuse for that weekend as well!

Good luck be brave and bite the bullet it may shock her into improving her contact

I think one of the hardest things you can do is keep friendships going when your lives are in different places in terms of relationships and family.

she may find herself 2 yrs down the line with her own lo and needing your support.

give her the space to lead her single life and see her when you can all make it work. she won't be selfish forever and if she's truly your best friend, its worth giving her some latitude now if you want to keep her long term.

Thank you all for your replies.

I understand about her needing her own space and time to do her own things. And I give it to her. We don't speak that often, recently because of the new guy on the scene I just gave up making contact until one day she started contacting me. But when she did get back in contact something had changed. I realised I had grown up, where as she was still in the same place we had both been at 18. Does that make sense? It was like, I understood the joke, but it just wasn't that funny anymore.

I agree things change hugely when you have children, which is something I've only just started to understand in the last few months of dd's life. I've learnt to let go of certain things, and I'm now very content with my own life. Which is why I think I'm not too upset with my bf not being in contact because of her new fella. I've got my own things to do, I'm so busy with my life that I don't really have time to be focused on bf's lack of communication.

But dd's Birthday party has bothered me. It's almost been like the final nail in the coffin for me. I'll send her a message to say that May's a busy month and I can't really give up the weekend she's wanting to come up. I'll say I hope she can still come as I was expecting her, but not to worry if it's going to be too much trouble for her.

If she doesn't come I think I really will be cooling things with our relationship for a little while.