If you live with adult offspring do you have any rules?

[Thearrowofdoom]

Do you have any household rules if your grown children still live at home?

I am thinking situations like if they said they were going to be home and they decided to stay at a friend's or boy/girlfriends for the night would they let you know?

Similarly if they said they were going to be home at 4pm would they let you know if they were not or just turn up hours later?

If they said they were coming home on the last bus home and then didn't would they let you know?

I'm navigating this with a disabled adult offspring which muddies the waters slightly but I want to work out how unreasonable I am being.

The adults in this house let each other know roughly when they'll be home and if that changes send a quick message to update. Some years ago there was a tragedy that came very close to home and since then we've all been considerate about letting each other know when to expect us, so no one gets worried. It's not a rule as such, just something we all do.

I think it’s reasonable to let you know if their plans change, especially if they’re out drinking or driving. Just look at that poor lad who went missing in Bristol last spring. They could just text your mobile rather than call, at least you see it when you wake up.

Yes we let each other know but that includes dh and I telling them too, it's just manners.

My young adult sons let us know whether they're in for meals and roughly what time they'll be home at night. We have a family WhatsApp group for this purpose and it's come in very useful.

Just as you would expect a partner to extend the courtesy of keeping you updated so you don't worry, you should expect the same of of adult children living at home imo.
It's not to keep tabs, and not to have any say in when they'll be home etc- but it is the decent thing to do so those you live with aren't unnecessarily concerned for you.

I have an 18 and a soon to be 18 year old and rules have not changed. Both of my children have additional needs. Plus, they are still teenagers, their brains are not fully matured and I worry.

They have to be home a certain time, tell me where they go, when they will be back and update me if they will be late. They are mostly okay with that. They also want to know where I go, when I will be back and worry if I show up late, so these are just our household rules.

My disabled adult ds lives at home. I have one rule- let me know you are safe if you staying out or going to be out hours longer than expected. And I do the same for him. I tell him it is common courtesy.

Mine don't live with us now, but they did as adults.

All adults in my house are responsible for chores, cleaning and tidying.

We are responsible for letting today's cook know whether we are in for dinner. We are also responsible for letting each other know whether we are coming home-and when- so we can lock up.

Adults should be adults. I expect to tell them when/if I'm coming home too. It's for safety and for respect.

I wanted to know whether people were going to be for meals, and roughly when to expect them to be back if going out - not out of any attempt to police what they were up to but to know whether and when to worry. And to text if plans changed

I expect them to take turns with chores - that seems to be a continual evolutionary process!

They let me know when they are expecting to be here (they still only come 50/50 with the rest of the time at their dads and whether they will want feeding on any given day.

If they are going out and expect to be back after midnight, I just ask that they are as quiet as mice (as have younger children) and lock up etc but there is no 'curfew', they are adults. If their plans change they know to text me so that if I wake up and they're not here I know where they are.

I agree with everyone else.

It is basic common courtesy. I would do the same for them.
I mean, if someone say "I'll be late, don't wait up", I don't expect them to check in, but if I were expecting them at a particular time (be that the last bus home or be it their normal time after work), then I'd expect them to let me know there's been a change of plan. Exactly the same as I would let anyone else in the house know.

Same with missing meal times. It's fine - anyone's choice if they are in or not, but helpful to let whoever is cooking that night know, and if possible, with a couple of days notice, as meals can be cooked on different days, but if it is a last minute plan, that's fine, but let other people know.

Thank you for the responses.

We have had several cases recently where dd has said she will be home and then has not been, incidents where she has said she will be on the last bus at half ten and turned up in a taxi hours later (that is fine but let me know) or incidents where she has said (like today) she will be at my parents house to meet me at 4 but no sign of her.

If I message she ignores it until I try and phone her and only then will she respond to the message.

As I said there are some additional needs there which make things a bit more muddied but I just want to know she's safe.

I have 2 at home at the moment, I just want to know if they’re staying out and if they’re not in for a meal theysaid they would be in for.

Family WhatsApp group is helpful.

Yes to all the examples you gave.

The way that finally hit home for my adult DD was to ask her if she would let her friends she lived with know if she wasn’t going to come home. She agreed she would.

Once she understood I wasn’t asking for anything more than the basic courtesy she would show and would expect from housemates, she chilled out a bit.

Emphasise it’s not that you are asking as her mum, but as someone she happens to live with. You would show her exactly the same respect. You would tell her if you were running a few hours late.

Good luck.

I always ask them to tell me if they will be home for dinner or not so i can meal plan and get some idea if they are out or home for the night. I'm pretty relaxed with them, it's just courtesy stuff of living with others. I do the same and tell them of I'm going to be out late. They are 24 and 18yo.

I don't have an adult child at home at the moment (he's moved out) but I will again soon in a few years. The rules we had were let me know what time your planning to be home not exact but is it "pub late" ie midnight ish "club late" 4am or staying out. Also let me know what nights they want dinner.

We had other general noise rules that apply to anyone living here.

I expect him to let me know when he might be home and to update me if it changes. I do the same for him, there’s just me and ds at home now.

Its courteous to let people you are living with know when you are likely to be home/coming home for tea etc. I would expect my adult DC do this (they dont have to ask, its just considerate to let us know). I would expect the same of housemates if they were friends. Its horrible to let people worry, I was a shit at times and did that to my parents, I knew I was ok but a few times didn't bother to tell them I wasn't coming home, I now know how awful that is, it's not like we even had mobiles to send a quick text to check.

We have a family what's app and keep each other updated of our plans

Thankyou everyone
We do have what's app but she never uses it.

She's pissed me off a little bit tonight tbh because she wanted me to wait for her to come home from work to eat as she wanted to order pizza and even told me to choose what I wanted. Only for me to message her two hours after work to find she had gone to her boyfriends and wasn't coming back until late.

I’d be annoyed at this. It’s thoughtless at best.

When I moved back to the family home, and my sister did, we just had to be respectful of the other adults’ time and efforts. This behaviour isn’t doing that at all and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to call it out.