Is this emotional manipulation? Or AIBU?

[Stepmum3862]

Wondering how objective I am being in this situation and would be grateful for an outsider's prospective.

DSS 12 lives with me and his father FT. Mum gave my DSS up when he was around 4 to the care of his father to pursue her career, but is in regular contact with him, albeit seldom sees him in person. Some years she's seen him just 4 or 5 times the entire year, more recently it's a little more frequently (once every one to three months). We won't know about her visits until the night before or on the day. We also won't know how long she intends to have him (hours or days) until DSS is on his way back home. DH has a court order in place but she has never abided by it. She doesn't financially contribute to my DSS's upbringing, apart from buying him designer clothes, but promises him a lot (including private schools, private tuition). My DH even paid for DSS to go on holiday with her.

Last year we noticing that he was spending more time on his phone, but also that he was deleting his internet browser history on his devices. We placed a parental lock on everything and started checking his messages periodically. Soon after we noticed a message from his mum accusing him of not caring about her. Looking back at their conversation, there were messages where she berates him for not picking up her call, for forgetting her birthday, for ending his visit with her short so he could attend a school event with friends. My DSS was pleading and apologetic in all his responses.

Also last year, we discovered DSS was worried about his mum who was claiming to be too ill to see him. This went on for months. More recently she's claimed that she was awaiting surgery, and after DSS sent her well wishes etc, she messaged him to let him know the surgery was cancelled.

She messages or calls most days. Tells him she loves him, misses him. She has a pet name for him. Talks about how much he means to her and they're going to be together soon. It's relentless.

Now the issue is my DSS who is confused, often down and withdrawn, lacks confidence, and focus, is struggling with his school work. I've suggested to my DH that we regulate visits and his phone contact (for example phone access 3 days a week to catch up with her messages and calls). But DH says we cannot force her to see DSS more regularly, and doesn't think limiting phone contact will be helpful.

Is mum being emotionally manipulative? Shall I leave his parents to it? Am I being objective and reasonable in my assessment of the situation? Thoughts appreciated.

I think this is for your dh to resolve. He should definitely check your dss’ phone and try to talk to his mum about the emotional manipulation, that really isn’t fair on the child and seems to be adversely affecting him.

My DH has resigned himself to DSS's mum's indifference I guess. He doesn't hold much hope that things will change so doesn't think it's worth trying. It's very sad to see DSS like this, but equally I don't feel it's my place to do much since both his parents are a big presence in his life.

I'm so sorry for your stepson in this situation.

I think you are right, and you need to be more forceful with your husband and tell him that his son is the subject of emotional abuse.

Your husband needs to step in and protect his boy.

Is your DH speaking to DSS about his mum? DSS needs to know that his mum isn't his responsibility. And that she's being unfair to him and that this isn't reasonable or normal behaviour. I'm assuming some sort of contact will continue - so he need to take some of this weight off DSS.

But how can this be done in a way that he's not being seen as bad mouthing or being bitter towards his exwife. My DSS will invariably mention any such conversation when speaking to mum. So far we've tried to be diplomatic and civil. Never stopped contact at all- even with last minute arrangements that mess up our plans. He has unlimited access to his phone and therefore his mum. How do we manage this without being made the bad guys?

Revisit the court order. Sadly, you've let her get away with abusing it, but that's done. You need to do something about this now, before your lovely DSS is even more torn

I'd suggest that dh changes dc phone number and gives the ex the landline house number, it does sound very unhealthy the thongs she is saying.
I'd also ask dh to book counselling for dc. Sound like he could do with talking to someone that is impartial and he can offload to.

Stop the unlimited access. No young pre teen should have unlimited access. As I said I'd chnage his number and tell his mother she can ring landline. Tell her his studies are suffering and mobile time is being strictly limited to an hour a day or something so ringing the landline will allow her to contact dc whenever she needs as eh won't have his mobile.

Letting DSS have an awareness of boundaries and appropriate behaviour is not bad-mouthing. Keep things factual. Your DH needs to be his son's advocate.

I'm sorry, I may be wrong, but if my child lived with me full time, and was then being emotionally manipulated, I'd want to get a grip of it.

The reason I say it's manipulative is that DH isn't aware of any life changing illness of the ex. It's not appropriate for the ex to be using the methods you mention to make DSS do what they want.

His mother is absolutely emotionally abusive and he is being both controlled and manipulated by her from a far.

Hugely damaging to him.
His father needs to stop being so passive and wet.
This is his child.
She pays for nothing yet abuses him daily with her contact.
That poor boy.
Being utterly failed by both parents.
His father should block her number on his main phone and buy a new phone solely for use to contact her.
All messages/calls need to be monitored and contact restricted to a couple of times a week.
Let this firmly be his fathers decision.
The poor boy has been guilted enough by her.
Let HER bring it back to court.
I would be organising counselling for him asap to try and negate the damage already done.