Should I go or steer clear?

[PeanutPies]

I’ve been in the UK for two decades however always struggled to make meaningful connections- yes to many superficial ones but no one I can count on. I accepted that and carried on. Following the birth of my daughter made conscious decision to attend some cultural events so she is introduced to her ‘roots’ as it were. It has been fine so far. However I joined a new group and there is an event being planned - I have not met any of the members in person and only communication has been via WhatsApp. The main organiser somewhat irks me- couple of things, there has been a dress code mentioned, request to part take in insta reels, and latest being how many are dropping out and that is not in line with what was expected etc etc.
I don’t subscribe to unnecessary drama- never liked it when I was living in my home country and don’t entertain it in my adult life. I am not a person who would adhere to mindless rules and fads either. It’s fine for fun and games however I don’t entertain this idea of ‘sheep like following’ , we are adults and should be treated as such. This group and certain individuals give me huge vibes of ‘drama’ and the little voice in my head is asking me to steer clear.

YABU- I am making a mountain out of a molehill
YANBU - This is a mess in the making, steer clear

Looks like my gut instinct is correct- thank you for your votes!!

@starsbrawl you are making too many assumptions-I’m married for 21 years. The lack of meaningful relationships is not a one sided coin- especially if you not a native of the place.

you spend a long time to set yourself up- no safety blankets. If you don’t do schooling or growing up in that place you cannot just fall back in those relationships. Most people you meet are in the same boat- setting up, not much time for socialising. You do connect later based on schooling etc, but then you are pretty much focused on the kids, it’s not about you.

@starsbrawl and there are many communities in the world whereby the judgement based on how successful you are is ruthless- I don’t subscribe to that kind of nonsense. I see all humans as the same- so I don’t directly fit into many of my own communities cultural norms as I always questioned those. Yes, by that i am very much an outsider

OP ignore the unpleasantness of starsbrawl and their ridiculous statement made with no idea of who you are. I am also not originally from the UK and it can be more difficult here to find meaningful connections.

I would avoid the event, it does sound like unnecessary drama. Better not to waste time on dramatic connections, you will find your people elsewhere. x

@Skyrainlight thanks- yes that’s what I’m thinking as well. I can see this taking a lot more brain space than what I bargained for.

PeanutPies

I like the sound of you, Peanut. I'd say stay away. This person is already pissing you off and showing all the traits and potential drama that you dislike.

I doubtt you're going to find your people there - they've all already dropped out 😉

@GreyCarpet Thank you. I grew up seeing this kind of mindless nonsense take up so much of time from the adults…even as a preteen I used to wonder ‘why waste your energy in this?’…what really irked me (the sort of final straw before I came to wonder should I pull out) was the rant on WhatsApp all on caps - surely in this day and age everyone knows that constitutes shouting? I agree, maybe the ones already dropped out want to avoid the drama as well.

I'm guessing this is some sort of event / group based around people from your home country?

I'm sure you will be able to find another one. If not, perhaps start one?

It sounds like you're already not getting on with the group before you've even met them. You say you don't like 'drama', but it's not really clear in what way going to this event would be drama.
Surely you just go and chat and hopefully make some friends. If it's crap you can just leave early and make an excuse. It seems like you are reading more into it though.

I don’t agree. I’m not British, but lived in different parts of England for over 25 years, arriving aged 25 and knowing no one. In any new place, looking around me for ways to connect with people I’m likely to like and make new friends is absolutely up there with unpacking and getting the utilities in my name! No safety blankets, sure, but equally lots of opportunities. Before and after children.

But you’re clearly already massively irritated by this group before even meeting any of them. If it’s just the organiser who’s annoying, I’d probably go anyway in case there were interesting people there, if it wasn’t at a crazy distance or something.

On the other hand, in your shoes, I’d be asking myself why I was so set on my self-image as some kind of lone wolf character, No one is forcing you to do anything ‘sheeplike’ or ‘adhere to mindless rules and fads’, but if you didn’t fit in in your home country, and you’ve forged no meaningful connections in over 2 decades in the UK, I think it’s a you issue. If you’re lonely, ask yourself how you can change mindset to help combat that.

No no from me. Sounds like drama before you start

100% agree with this.

The organiser and the followers don't sound very nice...if they care so much about outward appearances and bloody Instagram!

Your instincts are good, OP.

Thanks for your responses- my initial plan was to drop in for a few hours and leave. However the organiser gives the impression that she wants everyone to stay until the end as a lot of work has gone in. Hence why I’m thinking if I should opt out altogether.

It’s the organiser that concerns me- the rest of the group seem ok and I really don’t want to paint everyone in a bad light- I haven’t even met them!

The drama I’m alluding to might be more cultural- for eg; a few months back there was an insta reel posted (majority of the group seem mad on this) whereby a group of 40 somethings have done a reel in their swimwear. I didn’t see anything other than a few ladies on holiday having fun. However the organiser who posted the reel to primarily get ideas to recreate a similar one in a meet up commented ‘how the ladies of a similar age dress disrespectfully’ - it’s a cultural thing whereby you are judged and character assassinated in your dressing sense. This annoys me no end/ as it’s childish. It was a passing comment but gave me a clue as to her mindset. I just don’t have the mind space to sit and judge people-

okay now im wondering if I should slowly exit the group as well- but then I haven’t met the others and there might be someone with a similar wavelength

I really like your way of thinking. If someone is leading a group, they often have a lot of sway over how the group operates. I have not enjoyed such groups and prefer more laid back non prescriptive groups.

@Grmumpy Agree- especially if you are the admin of the WhatsApp group then you pretty much control the dialogue in many groups

A poster asked if I’m lonely - yes at times I do feel all alone, but not lonely as I’ve learned to enjoy my company in the absence of like minded or even broad minded individuals to connect. You can easily feel lonely in the wrong group- that’s best avoided.

I'm also not British and moved here about 10 years ago, so I appreciate that forming meaningful connections can take time. However, if you haven't made any whatsoever in 20 years, I can't help but thinking you haven't made much of an effort, and/or that you just have a bad attitude. When I first moved here, people didn't make an outsize effort to get to know me. That was fine and to be expected, because they already had established lives, friends, and families. I accepted that I had to be the one to ask people if they'd like to go for a drink/coffee, follow up afterwards, and try and turn them into friends. Many of those relationships never evolved beyond that initial coffee, but some turned into real friends, who then organically introduced me to their friends, and eventually, I had a great social and support network.

I find it very hard to believe that there are no "like minded or even broad minded individuals" for you to connect with, and frankly, saying so makes you sound quite snooty and arrogant. And based on how dismissive you are of this new group before even meeting them, I have a feeling you're determined to be a "lone wolf" as @DarkBlueStocking puts it.

Yes, the organiser sounds a bit unhinged, but you won't be stuck in a room with them 1:1 for five hours - why don't you go along and meet the others? If they're as bad as you say they are, I'm sure that other members will be thinking the same thing.

the Op’s way of thinking has left her with zero close connections

@ThisPlumHelper i did reflect on some of the points made on this thread. I do have plenty of superficial connections but no meaningful ones. There may be a very very small chance that its due to what I perceive to be meaningful and how much I’m willing to invest - but largely my issues are;

the many people already have their groups and it’s not easy to be accepted
the cultural issues when it comes to my countryman- I don’t want to go too deep into this but the pre millennial mindset can be shocking. I’m a millennial and even in my peer group it can be a bit much-

i value my time and mental health/space more than anything and if that means I will have to stay as I am then I think I’m content with that. As an example of childish behaviour- there was a request for a hall hire in the said group and I suggested a few places. It is not my intention to keep away from people and more than happy to help where possible. The leader as it were comes back by saying that she rang all those places and they mentioned that they don’t rent out. I said ok but that’s strange as I know they do rent out and left it. Then there was a message saying I’ll ring them again- bizarre if you rang them and they said no how is ringing again going to change anything? It’s not that- it is a classical thinking of:
I know more about how the system works than you - we both are not uk natives
i have already thought these suggestions through etc.

This kind of childish behaviour is usually exhibited by many in my country- silly competition, one upmanship, women being horrible to other women etc. obviously not everyone but most. We are in our 40s honestly I don’t know about the others but I do not have the time for such drama.