To be disappointed in proposal

[Youreek]

Waited 14 years for this moment and he decided to do it on the day we just received bad news that affects one of our kids lives (half knew it was coming on this specific date and he knew how stressed/upset I was feeling on the day).

AIBU to feel really disappointed, we was already going out to celebrate a different occasion (had been planned before knowing the significance of the date for our child) so nothing extra had been planned as we was going out regardless.

I know it’s about what it means and not the moment itself but I just feel like there was absolutely no thought to it whatsoever and it was a big rush. Something that should be a once in a life time experience for me and doesn’t feel at all special :(

I’m sorry it feels like a disappointment. Maybe your DP wanted to counterbalance the bad news with something positive. Sorry about your kid’s troubles too.

Sorry it feels like a disappointment. Maybe he just wanted to make sure you knew that he sees you as a lasting team.

I should think he was trying to cheer you up, but it has backfired. Sorry about your child's bad news.

That is quite shit, do you actually want to marry him?

Was it perhaps to try and give you a happy memory over the bad one?

So sorry to hear you got bad news about your child. My guess is he was trying to cheer you up on a bad day and cement your relationship on such a hard day. The intention was probably good even if it didn’t land.

You're allowed to feel how you feel. But if I'm reading correctly you've been together for 14 years and already have children. It seems like the proposal and indeed the marriage are a bit of an afterthought, just a formality at this point. Maybe he didn't realize that you wanted something special.

It obviously depends on what the news was but I imagine his thinking went something like "we can do this together I'll show her I'm in it with her and propose"

The other side of this is that it doesn’t need to be a big deal as you’ve got kids and been together for 14 years and knowing you’re getting bad news he’s said, “we can do this, we’re strong and nothing is going to come between us”.

Marriage isn’t about the big gestures. You don’t want a husband who is absent all year long, does no housework, doesn’t contribute to the childcare but turns up on Valentine’s Day with a huge bouquet of flowers and has hired a private chef. A good partner is one that fills the car because they know you’ve got a long drive. One that knows where your favourite restaurant is and will book a table there. One that doesn’t see looking after his own as babysitting. One that will take on his fair share with the kids, especially a child that has complex needs.

If he’s not the second guy then YANBU but it feels more like a final nail in the coffin than the actual proposal.

classic mumsnet...

If you have been together 14 years with kids , a fancy proposal seems out of place. The proposal really doesn’t matter. Dh never proposed. We just decided to get married. It really doesn’t matter.

You're not, but are you sure you want to marry him? Because I think if it was right then he would probably got it right and if he got it wrong then you'd still be able to find the happy, not irritated.

I've had four proposals, none of them spectacular.

Try not to be disappointed.

This!

Good grief that escalated!!

He's asked you about 10 years too late so I guess he didn't think it needed to be special after all that time. Maybe just have a sit down with him and ask him his logic for doing it after getting bad news, what was he thinking etc? Men brains are different, he might see it as he was cheering you up after bad news. Which is bizarre, but again could just be man brain

I’d imagine he thought that something happy would maybe help to take away the shit news abit. If you love him and want to be with him then is shouldn’t matter. That day will now be a good m3emory day one instead. If you genuinely love someone it shouldn’t matter wether they proposed on the toilet or got Elon musk to blast you both into space to proppse

n3ver get what the big fascination is with these huge fancy tacky proposals. It’s like gender reveals,baby showers, 19 million hen parties it’s all so over the top.

I’ve been married twice and both times the subject of marriage just came up in conversation and I’ve never had the big dramatic proposal. It is the marriage that matters not the proposal. That said I have to agree he maybe could have chosen a better day.

This was my first thought "I know its shit, but we're in this together "

Well if you wanted a princess proposal wouldn't it have made more sense to have done it years ago before having kids etc.

My dh proposed in a lovely way but when our kids came back from their dads the next day they told dh that over the weekend their dad and his wife had split up in front of them because exh cheated. (Exh told kids they were not allowed to tell me because he is a nasty dick)

Dh didn't think to give me a heads up to not tell girls yet. So I announce it expecting excitement and they both massively under react and are clearly upset. Really awful and I was so mad at ex but also at dh for letting me tell them like that.

Thanks everyone for giving a different perspective.

I honestly didn’t expect or even want a “princess proposal” as someone put it, I expecting anything fancy it’s just the timing I felt was completely off due to me being so upset.

but I take your point that it’s not possible for a special proposal 10 years too late after already having kids etc 😟

*wasn’t expecting anything fancy

I agree. Lose the chance of living the rest of your life with a good partner because he didn't propose the right way. Silly post!