Lack of support from DH - need a sense check

[Mam89]

DS is 5 months old, I do 99% of bedtimes and bathtime as DH gets back from work late. This pattern seems to continue at the weekends. We’ve been out today, DS is tired as he hasn’t napped properly and was up at 5am. He screamed all the way home in the car (30 mins) and when we got in I entertained him for a couple more hours.

As usual I went to bath DS as he was getting tired and grumpy. After his bath I put him in his cot as he can roll and shuffle around, he started screaming. Had to go downstairs and make a bottle, he was still screaming, I accidentally knocked over the tin of formula as I was rushing. I swore which was wrong I know. DS was almost screaming himself sick at this point. Then realised I needed to find a dummy so had to go back down but I took DS with me as he was so upset, had to lay him on the living room floor to find a dummy then take him back up. Gave him bottle and he’s now fallen asleep.

Ive then tidied up from the bath and put all his toys away. Now thinking about starting dinner.

In all this time DH has been in the downstairs bathroom working on his DIY project. I know it needs to get done as we are down to one bathroom but he hasn’t once checked if I need help or if I’m ok. He has only told me off for knocking over the formula and swearing as I’m ‘always stressed’.

I need a sense check here would your DH act this way?

Did you ask him for help and he refused? I would also be annoyed if that was the case.

I think this dynamic is really typical actually. Then towards the end of pregnancy/arrival of baby 2 it all goes to shit because suddenly this type of man isn't happy about being asked to parent a then quite demanding wannabe independent toddler whilst his wife his looking after the newborn! I'd make sure you discuss how hands on a father he wants to be/is prepared to be regardless of his feelings about it whilst you're on maternity leave.

He has only told me off for knocking over the formula and swearing as I’m ‘always stressed’.

Time to explain. "Yes, I am always stressed because I don't get a second's break, day or night. I need support and you need time with DS".

The DIY thing is interesting. I used to call this kind of thing, 'baby avoidance work' to DH when DD was small. Tinker, pootle, fiddle all day and you will never have to parent. Not in this house. Set times for him to parent and give you a break. And vice versa.

Did you ask him for help? I know it should have been bloody obvious but men’s brains don’t work that way.

No I didn’t ask for help because half the time he’s got ear defenders on or doesn’t hear me!! I feel like if this was the other way round I would have called and asked if he was ok.

You should t have to ask he should realise. I remember being utterly fucked off with H when Dts were around three months. He went off to play golf and I lost it. Not proud of it but threw a bottle at him. He thought his life would just continue as was. Erm, no.

Your DH is taking the piss.

The time to be doing DIY is not when his baby is screaming and it’s one of the rare occasions when he is actually at home to take part in bath and bedtime.

I know it needs to get done as we are down to one bathroom

Stop making excuses for his avoidance of doing any of the grunt work with his child. One bathroom between two adults and a baby isn’t a hardship, it’s not like you’re having to use an outdoor privvy.

I don’t think that’s fair. Having a penis doesn’t excuse you from hearing a screaming baby and seeing your wife is stressed and doing sod all to help or actively parent. He’s a grown adult, I’m sure in his job he isn’t spoon fed task by task and instead uses his brain and initiative!

Surely if you can hear your own baby screaming while your wife is trying to make up his bottle and is obviously stressed, you come in and at least ask if everything is OK and can you help.

Are their brains just programmed to "my wife and baby are distressed but I don't give a fuck"?

If you don’t ask you don’t get

he’s got ear defenders on or doesn’t hear me

He managed to hear you swearing and comment on it though eh.

Again, you’re making excuses for him,

The only time my husband wouldn’t have actively come to help me in this situation is if whatever DIY it was absolutely needed doing and needed doing urgently- as in that night.

Our daughter is 6 months old so in a similar situation and we always do play/bath/bed time together unless he’s been working late or one of us is out. It’s nice bonding time and easier with two people because while one of us gets her dry and dressed the other makes her bottle, then once she’s down to sleep I usually lie in bed beside her and read my book or on my phone and my husband will have an hour or so having his relaxing time downstairs, I have my hour of relaxing time in my own nice long bath before we do her bath/bed time. Once he comes up to bed we then have some “us” time, chatting or watching TV etc.

I think I’m feeling worse as we’ve been out with some parent friends today. The mums were saying how their partners always help with bathtime and bedtime and they just seemed so much more supported.

@thepariscrimefiles no, their brains are programmed to reckon that if they’ve not been asked for help then it must be under control. Bonkers, but it’s how they are.

He has a child. A child needs parenting without the mum begging.

I think the reality is that a lot of men really aren’t that fussed about having babies and therefore see it as their partner’s toy that she’s responsible for. Fair, perhaps not; but MN is littered with posts exactly like this so it seems pretty commonplace. Now is the point where you have to establish whether leaving him and being a single mum might actually be better in the sense that you’ll be working just as hard but without the expectation in vain of him wanting to parent.

"his DIY project" or necessary repairs for the whole household? If he's repairing an out of service bathroom then that's hardly "his" project any more than parenting is only "your" job.

If you told him you needed him to support you, how would he respond?

Why don't you discuss him doing the weekend bedtimes it's a special time for them to bond and you can do dinner/chores/DIY in peace.

It really is in important that his Dad can get him to bed and up in the morning in case you are ever ill/need to go away/in hospital/die/have another.

I say his project as we actually have a bathroom fitter doing most of it but he asked the fitter to leave him some work to do as DIY is a hobby for him. I did complain about this at the time, pointing out I basically have no time for hobbies at the moment, but he said I was being unfair.

Not surprised you feel let down, OP, you're taking all the stress and then being blamed for reacting.

I’m sorry it’s so hard OP. I read threads like this and feel like I should go say a million thank you’s to my husband because he really is an amazing, present and hands on dad to our little girl. I just don’t think that’s particularly anything to be massively thanked for as I see it (and my husband see’s it) as part of the wonderful and crazy life of being a parent of a little baby, it’s not “helping mum” it’s just being a parent, but when I see things like this I feel like I should go get the red carpet out for him!

This happened to us - although DH would never have told me off; how horrible of him

All these effing excuses for men really piss me off, if DD had been crying like that DH would have been there asking if she was ok/I needed help etc because he's a decent human being who didn't want to hear his baby upset.

If I accidentally drop something or hurt myself and he hears me swear he asks if I'm ok, and vice versa.

"Baby avoidance work" is spot on

You do realise some children only have dads, guess what, no one needs to ask them to parent their children or make sure their partners are okay

Honestly my DH needed a lot of directing when DS was a newborn but I'd have lost my shit after this sequence of events!

Men can be really great at finding "urgent" projects when the alternative is doing the grunt work of parenting.

Stop being a martyr and tell him you need more support. Also don't cook dinner order a takeaway (if you can afford). I wouldn't be cooking for my DH after that!

Five months is such a hard age with sleep etc. You are in the absolute trenches and need more help