To respond when spoken to but not make any effort otherwise

[Clisthalea77]

Myself and a friend joined a hobby club recently. I'm loving it, she says she is also. There's a lot of general chit-chat involved whilst doing the hobby, which I do engage in even though I've to push myself as I'm fairly introverted.

I've noticed my friend, however, does not engage with others unless she's spoken to first, but then doesn't continue the conversation. She never initiates chat with others at all. Yesterday, I noticed people stopped trying to engage with her and she rarely spoke for hours.

I understand everyone is different and that's fine - I'm actually quiet myself but push myself. She's a nice girl but after a few months now I'm worried people just think she's rude and are not really engaging with her now.

I suppose my question is, would you consider it a bit rude to never make an effort in this situation?

Why would I want to "push myself" to avoid any hypothetical thoughts my friend thinks other people might have about me. I pay to attend a hobby as much as everyone else in the room and should be allowed to enjoy it.

If she wants to be quiet and enjoy the hobby that's fine. Doesn't matter what other people think.

I have a hobby friend like that. Attends every meeting, takes her turn on the jobs rota, gets on with her hobby stuff, rarely speaks up. Always responds when someone speaks to her, rarely initiates any conversation. You can see she follows the conversations with her eyes and occasionally smiles.

By the rest of us do not exclude her. We all talk to everyone at the table. sometimes a general conversation, sometimes between individuals. Shut is very welcome to enjoy participating the way she feels comfortable.

After about 10y regular attendance, she occasionally initiates conversations, but she's still a quiet, not particularly talkative person. She's fine as she is.

I think I'd be like your friend tbh. I do enjoy social interaction, but I get a lot of it in my job and with friends and family, so if I went to do an activity I'd rather just focus on that than make small talk with strangers.

Your friend has joined a hobby club to enjoy doing the hobby, she hasn’t necessarily joined to make friends and she certainly doesn’t sound interested in pushing herself out of her comfort zone.

I think the question to ask yourself is why does it bother you? Is it affecting you or your enjoyment of the hobby group in some way?

Ooooh I can be the quiet friend! I push myself to be outgoing at work/near DCs friends parents etc. If I'm doing something solely for me I turn into a different person 😂 I find initiating conversations EXHAUSTING.

I have an acquaintance (at the limit of being a friend) who quite often doesn't take part in conversations. I think she's depressed. I don't blame her for this, but I've also stopped trying to draw her in. I just carry on the conversation as I would if she were not there, whereas with new or very shy people I would make more of an effort to draw them in. In this way, we can continue to socialise without either of us having to change.
I do explain when new people join us that I've tried drawing her in in the past to no avail and that's why I now just include her in a very passive way.

Maybe she wants to focus on her hobby and is happy to listen without contributing much?

No, but I think it's rude to post judgemental threads about your "friend" on the internet inviting the whole world to judge her.

No, I wouldn't think this woman was rude, more that she was shy and introverted.

It depends. If she was actively rude every time then I'd struggle to enjoy it myself as much.

For instance "are you enjoying learning/doing X ?"

"Yes". Immediately walks off or stares at the other person. Awkward!

But "Yes. Keen to see how it comes along next week". Let's conversation end there. Fine.