Tell me I’m not crazy! Cold and leech like…

[ExhaustedPigeon92]

Hey 👋🏼 Needing someone to tell me I’m not crazy when I say, I don’t think my daughter (22 months) should endure another 4/5 months of being out in the cold with her father on the weekends. He has alternative Saturday contact for 5 hours sometimes less, depends if he cba to get out of bed to be on time. He’s been on time once in the past three months…He makes no plans for contact, just walks around aimlessly and might take her to the park. He’s always done this, but last year his contact was only 2 hours and she wasn’t as interested in walking as much as she is now, so she could stay warm in her pram. I’ve asked him to take her to soft play (he claims he has no money) I’ve given him the opening hours of the library (acts like he’s too good for it) I asked him to take her swimming in the summer (wasn’t comfortable with it), so I’m done with making any suggestions, but am I wrong to see this as a bad thing? Her little hands are always so cold I feel guilty for allowing it. I bought mittens for her, she won’t wear them for him. Also…If I bump into him during his contact time I can’t escape him, he is like a leech. Living in a small town it’s sometimes hard to avoid him, but I just want to go food shopping or have a coffee without a moody toddler! Selfish as it may sound, that’s my time! I’ve been left with my daughter whilst he disappears to smoke, to pee, to take a work call… and I don’t get asked! He will literally walk up to my table when I’m drinking coffee, park the pram and leave! I’ve now found a place to hide in to have coffee thankfully! Fourth place lucky! Big glasses and a wig also helps!

Hasn't he got a home to take her to?

Nope! He lives in his parents house. His mother is a serious hoarder so when health visitor/SS went to do a home visit they deemed it unsafe for my daughter to be there. He told them he’d move out…that was nearly 2 years ago.

Is the contact court-ordered? If not, refuse to let him take her unless he has concrete plans and the funds to take her indoors somewhere.
If it is court-ordered, can you go back to the social worker and express your concerns?

Ye gods! What happens when it rains, snows etc. I’m all for getting kids out and about but that sounds miserable. Surely he has enough money for a soft play- loads near me are really not expensive.

I think if she really is getting very cold or is getting a disproportionate amount of colds/ illness, or if she starts not wanting to go you need to tell him that it’s affecting her health and he needs to find an alternative or you’ll be looking to stop contact until the Spring. Or that he’s going to have to arrange contact in a contact centre.

Only other things I could suggest would be getting him to clear out 1 room at his mum’s (but I guess it might still be unsafe), or in extremis letting him have her at your house for a few hours while you go out, but that really would be going above and beyond and I’m guessing you’d rather not have him lounging around at yours etc…

I can obviously understand arguments against this (why should you have to?) but I think if he isn't abusive or a danger in any way, just a bit of a knob, I would let him have a couple of hours in my house while I went out for a coffee/shopping. Her toys will be there, he can sit and watch TV with her.....

Obviously you aren't obliged to do this, and it would be better if you didn't have to, but your daughter's happiness and comfort is your priority. Providing her dad isn't abusive, it is overall good that he still wants some involvement in her life. So personally I would allow this.

Hey EuclidianGeometryFan 👋🏼 No court orders, SS was only involved because I requested his home to be looked at and his own parents have previous history with them. The thought to stop contact has crossed my mind many times!

Heronwatcher 👋🏼 I agreed to let him come to my home in the beginning, but that had to stop. He’d go through my things and move things around. I then started to stay upstairs in my room, but that only had him coming upstairs to get me… I told him to take a parenting course, he took offence and refused. So now pick ups are from elsewhere and so are drop offs. I try to keep him away from my house as much as I can. My daughter and I will leave the agreed spot if he’s more than 15 minutes late and yeah you can imagine what that’s like in the rain…. So then I carry on with my day until he calls. Parents house was cleaned and they hired a couple skips, but one the second unannounced visit, it was deemed a fire hazard and worse than before! Honestly that was a shock

I'm all tor facilitating contact if non resident parent is sober/straight, not abusive or a risk and displays even minimal interest in their offspring. It allows the child to form some sort of relationship and offers resident parent some much needed personal time.

However, having no safe shelter to take child would be a dealbreaker. He's ignored your perfectly reasonable and affordable suggestions of where to go to keep warm. snd abused your trust when left in your home. Fuck him. Cut the contact until he's got his own accommodation or takes the reasonable steps you've suggested.

I bet he pays nothing/next to nothing in maintenance.,,.

redalex261 Thank you! And you’re not wrong! 4 hours a month was always his choice, I upped it because I couldn’t even get home and sit down without having to travel back again, just for the record. So yeah does the bare minimum and pays the exact amount down to the penny that CMA told him to pay…(only declared one of his jobs) He’s currently on holiday and not seeing little one until the 30th of November… I think I’d rather lean on my mum if I feel a bit strained or need a break. Fuck him. Like you said, unless he agrees to make the reasonable steps. He’s going to miss out. He’ll no doubt stop the pennies coming in, but so be it!

redalex261 oh and forgot to mention…he was sober during our relationship, was an ex alcoholic/drug addict. Never touched drink or drugs during our entire relationship I just obviously knew about it from him telling me. So 1 year sober before me, 2 years sober with me and a further 18 months after separating… he’s now drinking and doing drugs again. Only proof I have is of him turning up at my house at 1am absolutely spangled. Did ask for advice from SS and they said unless he turns up for contact on drink/drugs I can’t stop contact

It sounds like a nightmare and you've tried everything to accommodate him .

For me I think I'd have to put aside his ways and meanness and I'd pre book tickets for your child for soft play, I know you shouldn't have to and it's a disgrace that he won't pay to take her, but I couldn't relax thinking that my little child was freezing cold walking the streets ☹️

Maybe he'll just get fed up and stop contact himself, maybe he'll cop on. I would have to ask him if he's actually interested in continuing contact.

Wendysfriend 👋🏼 thanks for your message and that sounds like a great idea pre planning his contact for soft play! He acts like he’s Dad of the year and always sends emails claiming I’m the one who’s not allowing more contact… but I’ve recorded everything! Every failed turn up, every excuse, every injury, all the ruined clothes etc feel like it’s a full time job documenting everything. My mum thinks he will give up, but she’s thought that for a long time.

Men like him people can usually see through, it's terrible that there's many like him and heartbreaking that he doesn't put his little girl first. None of us have a parenting handbook but gosh it's general cop on to keep your child safe, warm, fed etc if he can't manage the basics then all you can do is look out for your DD and ensure she's safe and cared for while with him, I know you do this 24/7 anyway but he sounds like someone you can't trust with your dd and she's the most important person in this.

Keep records of everything 😉

Didn’t know the quote button existed so thanks for that 😂 can you tell I’ve not done this before? Aha! It’s honestly ridiculous how many of them exist. He’s like a local legend around here just because he made so many “friends” during his idiotic drinking/party years 🙄 I’m thinking to move, but I love my house and I can’t bring myself to leave and it be because of him. I know I’d potentially be happier in the long term, but I had all of this before him and I’m damn proud of the life I’ve given my daughter. Something in the back of my head is telling me he just wants me to be inconvenienced and unhappy because I had the balls to leave him. Nothing to do with my daughter. But yeah I’ll keep doing what I’m doing and I’ll take all the advice on board. Definitely think making plans for him (soft play) might work, or at the very least be another thing in my favour if it ever escalates to court.

Don't let him have her at all and let him take you to court for contact. Document all the issues with contact currently and make sure you tell these to a lawyer if he takes you to court for contact.

Just the thought of going to court makes me sick. What if by some miracle his smooth talking bullshit sways a decision to let him have her 50/50. I couldn’t do it. I know that there’s probably a very low percentage of that because of all the evidence I already have, but it’s still terrifying. If I wasn’t so scared I’d have stopped contact a long time ago. Think it’s time I grow some balls and have some faith.

I honestly think your child is in danger, the house isn’t safe and neither is the father. Is he lazy? If he is he may not go to court.

What makes you think my child is in danger?… it’s not my house and she never goes to his as instructed by SS and health visitor. He is lazy, but he’s also arrogant and persistent on making my life difficult.

It’s unlikely he is sticking to ss directions. From the harassment you mentioned too I’d want to just leave the area. You’ll never be rid of him.

I would never encourage somebody with an alcohol and drug problem to take a toddler to a swimming pool. Even if he is not noticeably high, his reactions are likely impaired.

Do you really think this drug addled drunk with no safe housing is going to go for 50:50 or for it to be considered given his behaviour to date? What's he going to be doing in December - having her trudge through snow. She wouldn't be going if it were my child.

He was sober last summer when I advised him to take my daughter swimming. As far as I was aware he hadn’t touched drink or drugs for over 3 n half years. I’ve been up at night lately after having found out only recently that he’s been drinking again, googling how long it takes alcohol to leave someone’s system thinking he could still be drunk when it’s time for contact, but whether he is or not I cannot prove unless he acts visibly drunk/high or reeks of alcohol.

I wanted advice as I’ve been told by professionals that I’d be the bad guy to take away his rights as a parent by stopping contact. Health visitor said I could only stop if he shows up for contact drunk or high. Apparently whatever he chooses to do in his own time is up to him. It really is ridiculous, but that’s the advice I’ve been given. So excuse me if I find it hard to trust the system. I’ve already mentioned that perhaps it is time that I stop contact. This is first time I’ve spoken about these issues and I’ll take on board everything that everyone has advised.

Do you think he wants 50/50 ? It's doesn't sound like it, I think if he did he'd be asking you already for more time.

He can smooth talk whoever he likes, the only thing that is taken into account is physical evidence, so he can butter up judges or social workers but if there's no evidence of him doing what he promises they're going to take it with a pinch of salt. That's why no matter how trivial you think something is, keep records of everything . If you have to create a folder broken down into weeks even days and have everything you and him do, arrange, say etc it's a pain but if it does go to court and he comes out with some bullshit saying something like "well on Oct 28th she refused me access", you can go to your folder dated Oct 28th and say "well no, I messaged him (records of message) and booked soft play ( copy of receipt). Once you keep everything to messages rather than phone calls you have more evidence.

It's difficult trying to remember dates and times so getting it written out helps when you need to access that information .

You shouldn't have to move away especially if you're happy where you are, however if it starts affecting your own mental health you may need to consider it, the only thing is and while it's a pain having him turn up everywhere you are when he has your dd is you can see and keep an eye, if you're living further away you won't be able to see this. In saying that if he has to travel to collect your DD he may not bother, hard one to know what he'd do, will he get fed up or will he stay doing what he's doing (walking the streets), he'd probably expect you to drop her to him so you're still not getting those few hours to yourself.

Thank you. I don’t think he wants 50/50 otherwise he’d have made it a priority to find suitable accommodation. However sends emails/messages claiming to want more time, but is never available for it. So it’s been a constant round in circles thing. He says he wants more contact, I ask when he’s free, he says he will let me know…doesn’t or will try to arrange something on the same day. Been asking for his work rota for months, but makes no difference as he has another job that fills in the gaps. So I’m never aware of when he’s actually free. All messages/emails I get from him are nicey nicey, or trying to play the victim. He will usually call to be abusive so it’s not on record.

I’ve got a notes folder on my phone with dates, times, incidents etc. I write in it after drop off and before bed on contact day. It’s getting VERY big!

I stayed at my mums for a little break (a month) and he agreed to travel half way between his house and my mums for contact. He spent the entire day walking around again. He has no motivation to do anything unless it’s for his own personal gain.