NC
I recently found out my DH had been cheating - both physical and emotional. We have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We have no dc together but have between us.
DH made the decision to split after a few weeks of telling me he was sorry, he loved me etc. I was in shock.
I can't stop glossing over the cheating. I revert back to what I had done wrong.
For context, I have been fully faithful in our marriage, however was questioned and really believed, from nothing. It was usually when I had a weekday WFH, or when I picked up after being with their dad, or being at my dc activities that I was less trustworthy.
There was lots of phone checking (his side to my phone), I fully trusted him. My past and history was brought up a lot (I haven't done anything like cheating, I was single and I slept with a couple of people), and it was before I met him. It felt as though I wasn't trusted, however there was no reason for me not to be trusted.
I realise now that I've been walking on eggshells with bad anxiety, as I couldn't bear to be accused of something I didn't do, and I admit I did get cross at the accusations. I also worried about leaving it around in case he checked. There was nothing to worry about but I worried.
I may have started to get a quick fuse, especially when my concerns were minimised. E.g. if I brought something up, it wouldn't be that what I nrought up was the issue, it would be because I've done something that caused it. Whenever he brought these 'faults' up, I consciously made an effort to make sure they didn't happen again, e.g
He didn't feel I was very affectionate towards him and when I did make sure (I wasn't doubting myself at all to begin with, I know I was affectionate), it still wasn't enough and I was still to blame and was accused of not loving him enough and not showing my love.
When will I start realising that it was his fault, and not keep ruminating over what I had done wrong. Is this normal? I feel as though I'm ignoring the big red flags and it still comes back to 'what have i done?'
To add. He has walked out of our marriage once before and was promising, begging that he would be better. I'm still unsure as to why he walked out. Stupidly I took him back and believed what he said.