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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child advice at a loss and worried

2 replies

Worriedmama68 · 27/10/2024 10:49

Advice needed . My 18 year old autistic child has left home to be with a person who says they love each other. This person same age doesn’t wash , work or want to work , has no manners, my child does not have old friends anymore as this person doesn’t get on with them . We bought a car for my child and this person is chauffeur driven here there and everywhere . No thank you or recompense . Never a thank you or a please for anything done. Rude to family members . My child was looking at a college course now not , my child pays for all the days out etc . I am worried that my child is throwing their life away for this person who we can see is bringing them down . Should I take the car back ? Maybe it means that they won’t be as useful to the other person ? My child hardly talk to us now . At a loss what to do.

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/10/2024 11:18

A lot to unpick. Ostensibly your dd is an adult who can make their own mistakes but if there is a vulnerability due to additional needs that changes the perspective. How do they fund themselves, is the car required for seeking college/work. Do you think the other person has additional needs or is perhaps consciously exploiting her? Does she have any social services or mh support?

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/10/2024 11:35

If you take the car and back and DC ends up getting dumped because they’re not “useful” anymore, DC won’t interpret that as “mum did me a favour by showing me that this person didn’t really care about me” but “mum sabotaged my relationship and the only person who cared about me, this is obviously because mum doesn’t give a shit about me and my happiness.” It will absolutely backfire.

They’re an adult, the best thing to do is be there in the background but also quietly challenge anything you feel is a silly decision, but in a way which sounds supportive rather than critical: “it’s a shame you’ve decided not to go to college, it sounded as if it would make you happy and you’d enjoy the course, wouldn’t that be better for you and X?” rather than “you’ve changed since you met X and I don’t think they’re any good for you because they’ve made you not want to go to college” etc.

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