To not ask "how are you?"

[spectacularspectacles]

DM is 75, divorced and currently caring for her dad (my grandpa). She regularly needs my help, especially with admin stuff and technology and stuff in general as she has no one else to rely on. She is also quite demanding, as in when she wants an answer from me she would text me multiple times, even when I'm busy with kids.

When we talk on the phone or text, she mostly talks about herself, her dad or my kids, and hardly ever asks me how I am. I am having peri symptoms and am struggling with regulating my emotions and feeling tired all the time, and I think it would be nice if she actually showed some care towards me.

Aibu for thinking this or is it quite normal? Please let me know how you interact with your DM.

Just tell her, you don't have to wait to be asked.

Once you do that a few times, it might lead to her asking how you are?

Perhaps she feels her having a telephone conversation with you implies that she wants to know how you are?

Did you tell her about your symptoms?
If not, then YABU. In any case, there's no reason that you can't raise the topic yourself.

To be fair, she has a lot on and she still asks about your kids, so I don't think she is uncaring.

Thanks for your replies. I have told her and she knows.

She's quite elderly herself looking after her elderly dad when she should be taking it easy now. She sounds like she has a awful lot on her plate, she still asks about your children too I don't think there's a issue other than your mum is probably overwhelmed and needs some looking after herself.

If you need to talk about it, just keep telling her.

She sounds like a very caring woman, so it's possibly a communication problem.

I have told her many times and she also knows I have a lot on my plate as well (I have a child with SEN). It seems unfair that I have to listen to her problems.

My question to you is - does your DM ask you how you are?

*all the time

My guess is that in her position she needs to believe that you are well and strong and okay. My mum is at a stage where she needs to hear good news from us and not have us bringing her down with our niggles, so we save those for other people who are better placed to support us (husband, siblings, friends, etc).

Thank you. This wasn't an answer I was expecting but it really resonates. How interesting, you may be right.

In fact when I had my first 10 years ago (the one with Sen), she was busy with her job and offered very little support, and when she visited she would sit down on the sofa and expected me to entertain her!

I guess it's part of her personality but also the age as well.

I do feel very overwhelmed with the amount of jobs she brings me though!

My sister is like this - always had been to an extent, but she has lost her hearing significantly in recent years, which has exacerbated the problem - hence phone calls are mostly her talking than a two way conversation.
less noticeable face to face - could be an issue with your DM, even if she hasn't been open - or even had a hearing test & realised herself.

Sorry to hear about your sister. My DM doesn't have hearing issues. I think she doesn't want to know my problems because then she wouldn't have enough time to talk about herself. (She has many friends but can be secretive)

I used to be a "child carer" to my mum when she suffered abuse from my dad, so I would listen to every problem she had when I was a child.

Me being an only child makes it worse.

Sorry for the drip feed

Never ever has my Mother asked how I am, has got worse with age. When I was younger, it was because she was jealous of my life but now, it's because her world is so small. She's only interested in things directly related to her. She listens to my husband talk about our kids but that's it. Never initiates conversation about anything that isn't her
She only started saying Thank you, sporadically, because my family pointed out to her how much I do for her. And she noticed that my husband always says thank you when we sit down to a family meal.

This week I told her that something awful has happened at work that may mean I lose my livelihood. Long time since I have given her a heads-up that I'm struggling. Her response was to ask about one of her many upcoming appointments that I need to take time off work to get her too!

She doesn't have dementia

The only advice I can give is to treat her like she's a job, caringly & professionally. But expect nothing back, but an occasional Thank You, if you are lucky.
It will not get better. Prioritise your mental health and your family, because no one else will

Just read about you being a child carer because of the abuse you Mum suffered. Same here. My mother has absolutely no comprehension of the issues my dad's drinking, abuse, violence had on me. And how much I hated her for not leaving him. Suited her narrative/ way of life to stay, and fucked me up in the process.

I think this is common in older people.

But from the sound of it your mum has always been a bit self-obsessed.

My mum was always very giving, always asked how we were etc. the older she gets the more self-involved she gets. My nan went the same way and I remember my mum complaining about it then.

My mother never asks how I am, she just talks at me and it's exhausting
She doesn't care and doesn't ask, it's all about her health, her friends etc etc

It makes me sad

Mine is about the same age as yours, OP. She asks how I am, but doesn’t really take any interest in the answer- she interrupts to either offer pointless solutions that won’t work, or change the subject. It wasn’t always that way but has been for years, and as a result I no longer bother saying anything but “good” or “fine”, so it has become something of a vicious circle.

Thanks all for sharing. I feel I'm not alone in this and it has somehow comforted me.

When DM was my age, she had suicidal thoughts and was planning on ending her life by jumping off her balcony. She's been through the worst, so I know she understands very well what it is like to have mental health issues.

I am not feeling well enough to do things for her as a job, but I'll try this method and not expect anything back. I don't usually get the "thank you"s either.

She's asked me to message some of her close friends as she didn't have connection for a couple of weeks. I did it, but heard nothing back from her friends to acknowledge my emails. I know she gets on well with them but I don't get the respect the same way as DM does from her friends.

I don't want to keep listening to her stories. DH has adhd and although he is a caring husband he finds it difficult to connect to my niggles as it were.

I just sometimes wish I had someone to talk to without having to worry about what other people might think of me. That's what families are for..

I have recently lost a very close friend and I am grieving from it too. I have another close friend and I can share certain things with her but not something which I had hoped I could share with DM and I am so disappointed

I guess it's good manners to sometimes ask people how they are?
Yes, would expect it occasionally from a parent.
What you often expect dosent mean you'll get it though.

I do feel very overwhelmed with the amount of jobs she brings me though!

I just wanted to say that it is OK for you to say no to at least some, if not all, of the jobs if they are overwhelming! If you don't have anyone else to look after your wellbeing, then you absolutely need to do it yourself (another job 😔)

@spectacularspectacles