Have I unintentionally emasculated my partner

[Radiatar]

Long term partner and I have never seen this side of him before.

I think there are 2 main ways people deal with stress (or challenges as I like to call it..). They either become overwhelmed and paralysed by it or is motivating. He is a head under the blanket kind of person when something is stressful and I find it motivating. We are just different which is fine. He is much more of a detail person than I am, I just rush into stuff. So we both have our pros and cons, neither is right or wrong. I am often too busy to have time to sulk or hold grudges if something needs doing just do it and move on but I don’t always do a great job of something he would do better as he puts more time and detail into it.

We are saving up for a big project. I have been motivated by the challenge to get a lot done, bring in extra money, clear space. He keeps putting his head in his hands and saying he feels stressed.

Along the way I also have all my usual jobs to do, and yesterday I asked him to provide me with one small piece of information so I could attempt to repair something. Many hours passed and he did not give me the info, so I went and found it myself and when we were discussing our plans for today, I said I planned to attempt the repair today. He went into a mood about it that he felt I was essentially insinuating that he was useless and I was making him feel small that I was working harder than him and he is a man and he should be providing equally. I said I have no motivation to make someone feel bad or useless.

It’s made me wonder though if I come across as thinking I am superior to him because I am so much more proactive. Am I unintentionally emasculating him?

He's emasculating himself. He agreed to this. He just doesn't want to make the effort and is making it your problem.

As far as I can see you’re not doing anything wrong. He’s a procrastinator and you’re a doer. His whiny attitude would annoy me and that’s all down to him not you.

Is he a grown-up with capacity? If so, no.

Your power to emasculate anyone is bullshit unless you subscribe to masculine and feminine roles and abilities. Failure to listen to someone and take their views on board is different, but it doesn't sound like the case here.

Tbh it sounds like plain old sexism ingrained in even the 'nicest' man. My dh has done similar - he's generally very nice and supportive but I've noticed that tends to be when I need a hand with something - he gets a bit arsey when I'm competent and together about stuff, particularly a 'joint' project unless it's sort of typically female such as cooking or organising holidays and presents. If you've upset the usual balance he's probably irked over that but if he was to fully articulate why he'd sound like a dick. I am guilty of this too by getting a bit annoyed when my dh has taken on something I usually would, but I get a grip.

He went into a mood about it that he felt I was essentially insinuating that he was useless

Well in this instance he was!

Does it happen often that you end up doing the bulk when he could/should also be doing?

What on earth does “being a man” have to do with “providing equally”?

This is baffling to me.

Most of the sexist men I’ve met at least had some aspirations to do more of whatever they perceived as manly.

I’d be seriously reflecting on this situation op. He’s unlikely to change and if he feels threatened by your competence, there’s a very strong possibility that he won’t be faithful. I wouldn’t be making any serious financial commitments or having children.

The good news is, you've found out what he's like BEFORE having kids with him.

He's bound to be one of those guys who promises to get up in the night with the baby (after leaving you to do it for months) then sleeps through whilst you deal with the night wakings AGAIN and instead of being grateful for the good nights sleep, strops off because you "made him feel bad" by not "letting" him get up in the night 🙄 and leaves you to deal with the baby all through the day as well.

My Dh and I have a mix of energies too, but the opposite to you. We both work hard but he is all buzzy energy, I need time to withdraw sometimes and if I don't get that opportunity i get stressed. He could start and half finish a million projects whereas I will plod at one until completion. I've had similar arguments to this OP but it's felt to me that he wants something done in that exact moment and if I don't provide it at the moment of his choosing then I am not working with him or making him do my share, this makes me feel like he implies I'm lazy. But it may be the case that I intend doing this on Tuesday and don't want it done Monday cos I'm focusing on something else, insisting that I do it Monday is only going to annoy me. OP I'm just trying to see your situation from a different perspective.

OP, you are a do-er, he likes to put things off. I had a BF like this, always putting stuff off which needed to be done. Master of excuses, needing to get a 'special tool', no point in doing it now, as X job needed to be done first, not the right weather to do it etc. Always moaning that there was 'another job to add to his list'. I used to comment on my neighbour being a real grafter as he just got on with stuff which BF hated! If I just got on with his jobs, he then started with the 'oh thats a shame, I wasn't going to do it that way and I had penciled it in for Saturday ' I gave up.

I do think this can be what happens in a way. He knows I am impatient and I am not asking him to do something but he feels pressure to get it done on my timeline. I would hold my hands up that asking him to do something on my timeline is unreasonable but I think it’s the fact that I don’t really need him that causes him to get like this. I can do it by myself, so I will, and it makes him feel useless. I would be unreasonable to pressure him to do something when I want it done if he’s not able to, but these are things I can do myself!

The repair is done, and he insisted on doing it I was like ok fine, I can go do something else instead 😂

Our chosen careers encapsulate our personalities perfectly. We are both successful but his took longer than mine 😂

He has creative career that relies on tiny technical details and he is a perfectionist. He is also a procrastinator and often doesn’t start jobs that have deadlines and time constraints stress him out. He has created some brilliant things that are very valuable.

I have a job as someone who oversees a huge varied workload and is entirely based on the most efficient use of time and efficiencies. I see time as the most valuable asset. I maximise all my time to its full capacity. Time is money etc. everyone has the same 24 hours in a day and all that 😂

I wouldn't worry about this too much OP. You have different personalities and approaches. He gets grumpy and stressed sometimes. Don't blame yourself for this, just let him have a moan and then carry on as you are. Not a big deal.

I think this may be something to think about. That the current situation has hit upon things he's not that good at. So I have some sympathy with him feeling a bit bad above that. I'd feel similar if my office job suddenly became coal miner or bus driver. I'd be hopeless at both!

But he needs to acknowledge this and deal with it rather than whinge about being emasculated. Someone up thread said he needed to cut the psycobabble and I agree. Explaining to ourselves while we feel the way we do is fine, but it still means we need to crack on and progress the situation. (Or have a serious conversation about do we really want to do this project)