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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sensitive FIL prob

9 replies

NavyOrca · 27/10/2024 01:20

Aaagh. Advice needed please on how to handle this sensitive situation. Clearly it bothering me enough to be posting here at 1am!

DH and I live 300 ish miles away from his parents. We are on the SW coast. His parents are retired but still v active. When we see them, they prefer to travel down to us as seaside nearby and lots to do. Fair enough. We do travel to them when able to, but DH and both work full time and in-laws have much more free time than us.

When we visit them, we stay at a local hotel as no spare room in their home. Likewise, until recently we’ve not been able to accommodate them at ours due to previously being in a 2 bed house and tiny spare room set up as WFH permanently for me. When they come here, they stay in a nearby guest house. This arrangement is something we’ve all been happy with, for several years.

But - DH and I moved house earlier this year and now have two spare bedrooms. With more than enough room for them, in theory.

The issue is - my FIL has horrific bad breath. I am not in any way exaggerating. I’m confident this is due to the state of his teeth. You can smell it when you enter a room that he is in.

For this reason I truely don’t want them to come and stay in our home. I actually would love to host them for a few days if he didn’t have this issue. Whilst not super-close, I do get on well with them when we spend time together.

My DH is also bothered by it, and he does get on well with his parents but he has been independent from them for a very long time and rarely has intensely personal discussions with them. He openly admits he couldn’t talk to his parents about this. For what it’s worth - he’s a wonderful husband and very supportive - but the fact he lived so far away from his parents for so long it means that he simply doesn’t have that very close relationship that I do with mine (we stayed local to them).

MIL has said that she wants to come and stay with us soon, as she knows we now have the room for them. I can’t face it. What do I / we do??!’

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 27/10/2024 01:26

Buy some air freshener and get over it?

Tell them you're having hot flushes and keep the windows open?

Leave a tube of toothpaste and mouthwash in their room?

Offer him a smint at regular intervals?

Tell them you have a compromised immune system and they need to wear masks indoors?

Say "Blimey FIL! Your breath stinks! Sort it out!" On the first day of their visit?

autienotnaughty · 27/10/2024 02:00

Three options-

Accept a

Tell them (but presumably they know and he chooses not to do anything about it)

Make up an excuse- decorating etc )won't work long term)

Biffbaff · 27/10/2024 05:24

😷 that's awful! I don't know how I would bring that up in person though. I'd probably just put up with it and hope ventilation afterwards got rid of any lingering odour.

CynicalSunni · 27/10/2024 06:34

Do any relatives/ friends / neighbours have a young child that hasnt learned to use their filter?

When i was young i told my uncle his breath stunk. I was almost sick/ was using mouthwash in front of him.

Whattodo2024 · 27/10/2024 06:45

Hate to break it to you but as your parents and in laws age their health deteriorates (physically, memory, sight, hearing, continence) and you have to start being able to have difficult conversations with them about personal and health related issues.

from the ‘dad you’ve got the tv volume at 84, have you considered a hearing aid?’ To subtly planning a walk that includes multiple toilet breaks because their bladder isn’t what it was.

so you both need to man up and have the conversation . Otherwise what are you going to do, stop having old people in your home?

thepariscrimefiles · 27/10/2024 07:15

Could you mention it to MIL and ask her to speak to him about it or will she take offence on his behalf?

SabrinaCarpenter · 27/10/2024 08:39

thepariscrimefiles · 27/10/2024 07:15

Could you mention it to MIL and ask her to speak to him about it or will she take offence on his behalf?

I'd do this. Bad breath is the absolute worst and sometimes the person who stinks and the people around them become nose blind.

Speak to the MIL. It's rank.

Badgeretta · 27/10/2024 08:50

If they don't know (you can become nose blind) then the kind thing to do is tell them. It'll be affecting their friendships and socialising elsewhere too.
If they do know but are happy to inflict it on you without going to gp/dentist to sort it out, they are inconsiderate and I wouldn't worry too much about offending them.
Speak to MIL if your husband is too gutless. If she knows but says fil doesn't fancy fixing it, say you'll have them to stay in a hotel. If she doesn't know, and promises fil will get it sorted, I'd have them to stay on this occasion but apologetically keep all the windows open. Hopefully by next time it'll be fixed.

toomuchfaff · 27/10/2024 08:57

NuffSaidSam · 27/10/2024 01:26

Buy some air freshener and get over it?

Tell them you're having hot flushes and keep the windows open?

Leave a tube of toothpaste and mouthwash in their room?

Offer him a smint at regular intervals?

Tell them you have a compromised immune system and they need to wear masks indoors?

Say "Blimey FIL! Your breath stinks! Sort it out!" On the first day of their visit?

this

Or the MIL route, she knows; she lives with it; She knows.

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