Stuck

[Fatherted12]

My husband and I married when my children from a previous relationship were 19 and 21. We both knew I didn't intend to have more children, that I wanted to move out of my home town and that I had an erge to travel.

He was working all around Europe until covid hit. We married soon after.
He managed to get a job 3hrs away from us and would spend 4 days home, and 4 days away.

Time proved that he really missed not having the oportunity to have his own children, and so, when this job came up I imagined it to be an oportunity to give him the gift of a child.
I imagined we would move closer to his work, thus granting me oportunity to move away, and that his 4days off could be spent with his new family.

It didn't work out like that. I had our beautiful baby boy and we ended up buying a do-er upper in my home town as prices were too high near his place of work. With the cost of living going up he now works 4 days away and comes home and works on the house.
Im a stay at home mum and feel I have been parenting alone for the past 2yrs since giving birth (not to mention the 18yrs as a single mum before meeting him).

He now talks of finding a job here at home (which is also near his parents) which erks me as I know I'll never be able to leave this place.

I dream of winning the lottery so I can leave him, as our dreams just don't add up, even though he promised me the world in the first instance.

An occasional holiday, or even a date night now and again would soften the blow! But, as stated earlier, money and time is too tight.
That said, he's just used his credit card to buy a new motorbike, which, I do believe he deserves as he works so hard.
I'm asking you all for some perspective as at the moment I feel like I'm drowning in self pity and need to realign my spirit to grattitude.

Am I being unreasonable feeling so unhappy?

That sounds tough. Is it really him you want to leave, or just your current setup? If you had a big come-to-Jesus chat with him about your lives, would he be open to making any changes?

I'm wondering what his work is - if he was working in Europe before, and you want to travel, and you're a SAHM to a pre-school age child, and your other kids are grown up... would it be possible to get an RV and do some European road tripping for a year?

So he can buy himself a new motorbike, but can't afford a family holiday? His priorities are fucked

He was contracting before, whereas now he has a much more secure position with pretty decent benefits. I love your suggestion but when discussed, one of his reasons is that he doesn't want to leave as his dad is getting on in years, and he wouldn't want his parents to miss out on seeing their grandson grow up

It's sounding like you are making all the compromises here OP. You gave up your dream of travelling to have another baby with him. You live where he wants to live. You go without while he buys himself a motorbike!

You need to have a conversation with him about what YOU want from life. You've spent the last 20 years bringing up your children and now you have another little one to bring up. The first thing I'd do is get some financial independence. Look into childcare and start earning your own money. This will make you less reliant on him.

I dream of winning the lottery so I can leave him, as our dreams just don't add up, even though he promised me the world in the first instance.

It doubt his dream is to be diy-ing on his days off, looking after his aging father and not having holidays or date nights. You’ve said money is tight. It’s not his fault you couldn’t afford a house where you wanted to live. It sounds like he is just as trapped as you.

If you were to go back to work could you afford some holidays and date nights? Or to get some tradesmen to help your partner finish the house quicker.

How did you imagine your life when agreeing to another child? Is it money holding you back? Once the house is finished will you have more time and cash?

It sounds like you are blaming him for things outside of his control. Can you take any accountability for the situation you find yourself in? I’m sure he wouldn’t say no to some holidays, can you have a conversation about how you can make it happen? Even if it’s in a couple of years time? In the meantime could he take a day off the house when he is not working so you can have some family days out?

If he works hard, is family oriented and changed his life to be with you- he sounds alright! Try to get on the same page again. All of these things (parents/ kids/ house) won’t be ties forever.

Are you on maternity leave? Have you discussed paying for childcare when you go back?

Maybe it is time for you to get a job and take the pressure off him a bit? Whose choice was it for you to become a SAHM?

You need to get a job. Being a SAHM is a luxury these days and it seems you need the money. Make a life for yourself where you earn some money and meet other people. Your son is two so a good age to start nursery.

Time proved that he really missed not having the oportunity to have his own children

So you caved and had more kids after you'd already done the mum stuff. (me being a 50yr old, I met husband at 43 and said no kids, if he then changed his mind id have gone apeshit and probably been the end of us!). He left you to raise them, now he's wanting to settle closer to his family, and he's spending like he's still single with no responsibility? he's just used his credit card to buy a new motorbike. i had a motorbike, i sold it this year, you dont take the wife and young child out on a motor bike, the bike is for going off on your own for hours and hours, so prepare for him to disappearfor the full Sunday while you're left at home with the kid.

At what time in this does he start to act like a husband and father? When does he start to consider his wife and child? their wants, needs? Surely the money from the bike could have been put to a holiday for you all? Or are you just the enabler, the incubator? the SAHM that means he doesn't have to think of home life?

I'm grateful for all of your responses.
Just to clarify, his dad is 70, married, still decorates and does physical building work to his own and others houses, so in no way and far from needing "looking after".
I intend to return to work a.s.a.p, I think I need this on many levels; when discussed, it is him that thinks I should be home a little longer..
The bike, it has been on his Bucket list for years and would make sense to have a form of transport if I have the car, but it does worry me that he will have another outlet to avoid us!
He is in no way mean, or controlling, but I do think he hasn't quite had the time to be physically and mentally aware of what it is to be married with children!
Your responses are a breath of fresh air, and are giving me more perspective than just overthinking in my own head. So thanks everyone