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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is there a name for this or it is ‘just’ sexual pressure?

21 replies

TowerRavenSeven · 26/10/2024 21:09

This happened a while ago but still bothers me. I was dating someone for a few months and we were intimate. I have to admit it was probably the worst sex I’d ever had - we just weren’t compatible. We stopped dating about a month after but remained friends as we were in the same friendship group.

About six months later he called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out - just friends. We went out to eat and then back to his place to watch tv. He then starts coming on to me, and as I hadn’t dated anyone in awhile I was lonely and we were just kissing and hugging, etc. He then wanted to have sex. I said no, wasn’t into it (it was not good the time before plus I didn’t like him that way any more). So I should have not even started kissing and hugging but the closeness was nice. Well he kept asking for sex, asking, asking, asking - I’m having a hard time seeing how it even seemed attractive to him since it was obvious I really didn’t want to!

You guessed it we finally did have sex - I guess I said a begrudging yes - and it honestly was just as bad as the previous times I was so disgusted with myself! I mean, if it felt good but was a mistake that’s one thing but having been more of a treatment than a treat I was sickened. I dressed right away and left as soon as I could. I know it wasn’t rape, I begrudgingly agreed. Remorse for sure.
But it’s that grey area between consent and giving in and feeling used and taken advantage of. Is there a label for this or in my mind should just consider it bad judgement and remorse part and him taking advantage of me in a vulnerable state. I’m trying to label what it really was, because I feel it was more his fault than mine.

OP posts:
Newdaynewstarts · 26/10/2024 21:13

Coercive tactics work on people pleasers. Promise yourself never him again, promise yourself if ever find yourself in a similar situation excuse yourself for the bathroom and fecking leave !

Hankunamatata · 26/10/2024 21:16

Well he is a twat of a guy but you had every opportunity to walk away and not kiss and cuddle him. You could have walked out the first time he asked U could call it coercive suppose or just a very pathetic guy who nags to get his own way.
Work on your own boundaries.

Laiste · 26/10/2024 21:16

It's sexual pestering.

Don't be hard on yourself or think too much into it because it's done now and you're ok Flowers

Lesson learned.
Don't give in to sexual pestering. Be good to yourself x

JazzyJelly · 26/10/2024 21:21

Good men don't coerce women into sex. Block him and warn the women in your friendship group.

Threesmycrowd · 26/10/2024 21:28

There isn't a single woman in my peer group (late 30s) who hasn't had sex with a man when she didn't want to. Not rape as such but usually a feeling of obligation, which sounds like what you experienced. Be kind to yourself, there are so many cultural factors/internalised sexism that you'll have grown up with that made it hard to say no. It wasn't rape imo but it was certainly pressure (plus horribly needy/desperate)! I think rather than a label it would be helpful to process why you didn't feel able to hold you boundary, and make sure you are able to if you ever find yourself in that situation again. It's shit isn't it.

JMSA · 26/10/2024 21:48

Yuk, he's gross.
Flowers

MaryWelly · 26/10/2024 21:48

Don't be hard on yourself it's grim and he was definitely in the wrong. Don't get how he could enjoy it when you were clearly not that into it. He sounds unpleasant. Not rape as such but manipulative, harassing and not on for sure.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 26/10/2024 22:06

This is so grim. You said no and he didn’t care. Your “no” was irrelevant to him as he wanted his own way despite your lack of interest. It becomes an ego thing for him as he doesn’t want to feel rejected. Soul destroying that he isn’t listening to you and so you are feeling miserable and cave in (conjecture / guesswork from me here). I assume people are saying it isn’t rape because of the lack of threat of violence and fear response. Were you afraid? But the bar is honestly too low for this kind of thing.

unsync · 26/10/2024 22:08

It's coercion.

Noseybookworm · 26/10/2024 22:12

It's definitely pressuring you to have sex if you've said no and he kept on asking. I think lots of women have found themselves in this position and given in. It's not right but it happens all the time 😕 try and put it behind you and resolve that if you're ever in that position again that you'll get up and leave.

Sunsparkles · 26/10/2024 22:15

Isn't the phrase "enthusiastic consent" key here, anything less is a very dodgy area.

I'm not sure there is a word for it but I understand your feelings. I think perhaps a little self-reflection and work on yourself will help. After all, "no is a full sentence" and it appears that for you (and I'm sure many others of us) could benefit from following that through with some action.

Try not to dwell on it negatively, use it to educate yourself on how you will behave when this (potentially) happens again.

niadainud · 26/10/2024 22:15

Men who do this are the absolute pits. They know they have the upper hand in terms of physical strength and they know women are often conditioned to be people-pleasers, so they just pester, badger and "negotiate". Utterly shitty behaviour.

I had one who asked about eight times in a row if we could go to the bedroom. The brass neck of these men is astonishing.

FootbalIslife · 26/10/2024 22:20

Imagine having sex with someone who had said no several times? I can’t think of anything worse! If a man said no to me once, I’d leave. It wouldn’t do anything for me to know someone was going through with it because they felt they had to!

XChrome · 26/10/2024 22:35

Sexual coercion. Avoid him at all costs. He's a rapey creep.

TowerRavenSeven · 26/10/2024 23:08

Thank you every one. Yes I think coercion is a good word. If I knew then what I know now. Thankfully it was a long time ago but now have a label to how I’ve been feeling.’

OP posts:
Danajune11 · 26/10/2024 23:11

I think it is kind of sexual assault.

Because when a man pressures you over and over, you start to get a bit scared of him and sometimes give in to fear.

I remember saying no to one boyfriend, and he pressured me over and over till I gave in.

I genuinely felt raped

If you have sex when you don't want to, it causes psychological trauma

Danajune11 · 26/10/2024 23:16

TowerRavenSeven · 26/10/2024 23:08

Thank you every one. Yes I think coercion is a good word. If I knew then what I know now. Thankfully it was a long time ago but now have a label to how I’ve been feeling.’

Because when you're alone with a man and he is pressuring you, I think that women often give in out of fear.

username1478 · 26/10/2024 23:19

CONSENT HAS NOT BEEN GIVEN IF:

You were pressured, intimidated or forced to do sexual things you didn’t want to do.
You were incapacitated due to drugs or alcohol.

You changed your mind about engaging in sexual activity.

Coercion in Rape and Sexual Assault

It is important to understand how coercion plays out in Sexual Assault. Coercion is being pressured or forced to do something sexual you did not want to do. Any sexual activity that involves coercion is sexual assault.

You can contact Rape Crisis to talk about your experience and for further clarification.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

Catsmere · 26/10/2024 23:36

Exactly what @username1478 said. It was rape by coercion.

BMW6 · 26/10/2024 23:38

I think it was just pestering.

Danajune11 · 26/10/2024 23:47

I think it is rape. Is unwanted sex

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