To ask if you have adult kids...

[Downtownonsaturdaynight]

Whose lives are very different as in one has a much easier and nicer life?
My example what if one child has chronic health issues, still living at home as can't afford to move out as a single person. In work which is stressful but low paid. No friends . But the other, Has a loving partner and because of said partner paying the mortgage, now have their own flat. Easy job with part-time hours and some really close friends..

How do you navigate this as a parent?

What do you have to navigate? You just carry on treating them the same as always.

There’s no bearing on the successful sibling to help put the less successful one, any more than the usual sibling relationships

Yes, all mine have very different lives, different struggles, successes, catastrophes.

I don’t really understand your question but will try to if you explain a bit more what you mean.

Is the one at home jealous of their sibling & you are finding that hard to deal with?
Is that the problem?

Or is it that it tugs at your heart strings a bit to see one struggling while the other one seems to find things so easy?
(Which I totally get by the way)

Which part are you struggling to navigate? As in how much emotional support you give them, time spent with them, financial assistance you give them etc?

The one at home struggling with it as she sees her sibling having it easy in her eyes and living a lovely life.
Feels they are treated differently and like they are seen as less of an adult/less of a person as sibling.
Not being outwardly mean or anything but distancing herself when we are all together as a family.

Health depending I would try to help the one at home make some friends even if they are online friends. I appreciate she is an adult but you could make suggestions. Drive her to and from a social club if she can't drive.

If she compares herself to the sibling maybe give her some more wild examples of people who are doing well/ terribly. There is always a variety of people in different situations.

That sounds like frustration & disappointment.
I imagine I'd try saying to them ... "Let's focus on what you can do" & how we can maximise your opportunities and independence. Don't think about what sibling has or not, what are your opportunities and how do we create more of them?"

And yeah give them space to make a lot of decisions you don't like. That applies to all relationshps with ones' adult kids.

I know that having a partner would be the answer as other sibling would be in the same position if she didn't have her partner to provide for her. She too would be at home. I know some people on here will say I did a terrible job as a parent that they can't strike out independently, but realistically, especially in our area, you need a double income. Renting and flat shares are extortionate and as I mentioned, she has health issues.

A lot of my friends adult kids are either at home still or if they have moved out it's because of a higher earning partner.

A light has shone very briefly on sibling for a good few years now but I believe you have to chase good things to happen which is what my eldest needs to do.

I think focusing on the one at home and helping them to feel more 'adult' would be the way to tackle this. Giving them space to organise their life and be an adult in the house. Help/encourage them to have new hobbies or join support groups etc so they can make friends.

It’s just wot life has dealt, there is nothing u can do, it’s just a fact.

I don’t fret about it. They are different people with different abilities, strengths, vulnerabilities and needs. I don’t compare them and they mostly don’t compare themselves to each other.

One lives at home and possibly always will. It’s not what I’d have chosen - I’d love all of them to be independent and find their own paths - but that’s ok.

We love them all, they love each other and have a great time in each other’s company. I think because they get on so well they have each other’s backs and don’t compare.

That only works if they are happy with how their life is or at least accepting of it. This is not the case here.
Short of winning the polls or meeting a man then I can't see things changing sadly although being out the house more will help somewhat.

Is there a way to help them get their own place? My sister qualified for a housing association flat, and would not otherwise have been able to afford to move out of home, due to low wage.
Is your dd claiming everything she is allowed to, that might top up her income?
Any chance of going to university and training for a career with potential to earn more? And maybe live in halls/student house share?
Maybe living at home and retraining is possible.

I think it's natural for kids to judge their own success in relation to how their siblings are doing and it's hard if there is disparity between them. Hopefully your more 'successful' child is sensitive and tactful and remembers that it really is much easier for a couple with two incomes to do well, than it is for a single person. Especially if there are also health issues in the mix. If not, then a gentle reminder might help.

Agree that all you can really do is explore any avenues to change career prospects and encourage your child to find the joy in what she does have. Easier said than done, I know.

I think the moving out helps because it's having one's own space, to decorate freely, and to live without falling into parent/child habits.