I’m ready to cut my in laws out

[restingbitchface30]

Hey, please help, all advice is welcome.
I’ve been with my fiancée 8 years. From around the 2 year mark I’ve felt something off with his family, he’s one of 8. They’ve all (apart from mum) been nice in person and I am invited to all big gatherings. However it all feels fake. I’ll bulletpoint my niggles!
• Up until 2 years ago no one even acknowledged my birthday, no message, card etc. Now they’ll message but only if partner reminds them. Still no card etc.
•We have 2 year old twins. No one bothers with them really. My partner has to do all the visiting or no one would bother seeing them from one month to the next. A few of them haven’t seen them for 3 months. We always invite people to ours, they never come. We are a 15 min drive from them all.
•We got engaged 4 months ago, no one has asked us what our plans are, yet his other brothers also engaged and they are very nosy about their plans. Also only 2 of his siblings congratulated me.
•After having our twins I suffered with PND and was really contemplating ending things. He told his family. Not one person reached out to me let alone offered a helping hand. What makes this more hurtful is I have no family. They know this. I felt so lonely.
They are a close family. If they weren’t this wouldn’t be an issue to me. But they only give a crap about each other and not the in laws.
His mum is a whole other story. She isn’t nice. She comments on my weight, my parenting, told me I should have stayed with my ex (father of my eldest 2) even though he was abusive, because I had children with him. Just a mean person. When we told her we were pregnant she just said ok. When we told her our daughter was being given her name as her middle name she just said ok!
The thing is I am done. I’m mentally done with it all since having the babies. I don’t want people around me who don’t seem to care. But it’s causing massive issues with my partner. He thinks I’m sensitive and blow things out of proportion. I guess I just want honest replies about whether I am. It’s just got particularly bad the past year, I don’t want to see any of them again. Thank you for getting this far.

Why do you have to make a decision about cutting them off? Sounds like you don’t have much to do with them so just carry on with the low contact. What will change if you ‘cut them off’?

I get what u mean, I guess I’m just feeling hurt and I just want to protect myself by going no contact. I reckon I could try to adjust my expectations a little. I just feel like an outsider still which is hard when I have no family of my own, I would have loved to have been embraced a bit more.

Just ignore them. They aren't worth you stressing about it.

You can’t go NC because that would upset your fiancé, and whatever you think of these people, they are your children’s aunts/uncles/grandparents. I should imagine that to start with, they didn’t really see you as “family”, and so didn’t get into the habit of cards/presents etc. Your future MIL might not be entirely happy at the prospect of her son becoming a stepfather, and might also worry that having separated from your first husband, you might separate from her son. She’s a fool, because you are the one who has her DGC, which is quite a trump card! I wouldn’t worry too much about your fiancé's brothers and sisters - if they have children, they will be more concerned with them than your children, and if they don’t, perhaps children don’t feature much on their radar. But the DGP are something different - it’s a rare grandmother who doesn’t want to be involved with her grandchildren. I assume at some point, you and your fiancé are going to want to get married - perhaps they will be more interested if a wedding is planned and there is a date. But if you cut off your future in-laws, you will seriously upset your future husband, and that will hardly be the best start to married life. You haven’t given enough information for me to know whether or not you’re being over-sensitive, but going NC with in laws in the teeth of your husband’s opposition will not lead to happiness for you and him.

Yeh live your own best life with your family unit. If you already know what they are like, why invite the drama?

No need for a drama. Just carry on enjoying life. 🙂

Unfortunately it sounds like they’re not bothered about you or they may not like you that much. That is their prerogative though. I wouldn’t expect any of the things you mentioned from my partner’s family and I don’t have direct contact with them - perfectly nice people but neither they or I chose to be in each other’s lives. Just because I’m dating their son/sibling/cousin doesn’t mean the in laws and I have to give a shit about each other.

Yeah I know, it’s already causing us to question things. I know some of this is me and I get hurt quite easily. Things other people can brush off really upset me due to past trauma. He doesn’t understand and I get that. GM isn’t very involved at all and it only upsets me as much as it does because she is very involved with her other GD who is a few years older than mine. Sleepovers, minding her while her parents work etc. But mine don’t get anything close to that.

Sorry I do think you sound a bit needy, totally understandable since you don't have family of your own.

However, you've got to look at it from their perspective. Eight children plus partners, that's an entire tribe of people. You're a recent addition to a very large crowd.

Why would they contact you on your birthday? That's just weird, I've never done anything for my OHs family birthdays, it's his job.

I guess from his mum’s point of view her son met a woman who already had two children which he has taken on. Probably not her choice for him. She has eight children, eight in laws and numerous grandchildren and I should imagine that with such a big family none of them get that much attention. You probably feel it more because you have no family of your own. I would distance myself and build up a strong friendship group. Don’t put yourself in a position where their behaviour can hurt you.

Fair point well made! I guess you’re right. I think I wanted a family unit in them, I wanted them to love me like a sister but I know they aren’t obligated to. Thanks

Why do you need to go no contact. You have minimal contact with his family, they have done or said anything. Your just going to create drama when there isn't any at the moment.
They don't have to fulfill your expectations. Totally normal not to send sil a card or visit. Some siblings just don't have that much contact and have their own lives

I completely agree with this.

I think your expectations are too high for them. You were hoping to get a 'family' but they are not obligated to behave like you would like them to. Just be LC with them and let your finance be the one communicating with them.

I’m so sorry you haven’t found the family you crave in your in laws. It must hurt and be such a disappointment.

That said, I also think it’s a bad idea to go no contact. You’ll have to accept that they don’t seem to care about you very much. But there’s no reason to cut them out.

It’s strange they don’t visit when they live so close and are invited over. But I also don’t see the no birthday card thing as strange. I’m in the US, so perhaps this is a US-UK difference? It’s normal where I live for adults not to receive any cards or presents from in-laws on their birthday.

I'm sorry - you don't wish your inlaws happy birthday? How rude is that 🙄

They may be you're partners blood relatives but they're your family by marriage/partnership. I find it so odd when people don't consider inlaws as family..

I'd still message my MIL on her birthday in addition to my husband doing so - she's been in my life for 16 years, why wouldn't you text a simple happy birthday?

I think you just need to lower your expectations and then you won't be disappointed. Nothing as dramatic as going No Contact just giving them less headspace. Are there any of the siblings' partners you do feel more of a connection with? They may feel equally shut out.

I don’t think that they’re being deliberately horrible, but I can see why this has hurt your feelings.

I, very gently, do think that you would be unreasonable to go completely no contact for hurt feelings. I think with a partners family that’s a really serious choice which should apply for things like child safety etc.

Why don’t you first try matching their energy. Stop doing birthdays, messages, asking about weddings, invitations, organising plans etc. But be open to occasionally seeing them at family things if your partner wants you to and does the work of organising. Then see how you feel in a couple of years?

All those saying going no contact will damage relationship with partner, I disagree. I'm no contact with all husbands family. Nothing massively serious, but never felt like I fitted in, disagreed with some of their beliefs and found visits completely overwhelming and stressful. So I just don't see them, doesn't stop him taking the children to see them whenever he wants or them taking the children for days out etc. but I keep out of it. My husband has never once made an issue out of it, he understands and respected my decision. Yes, deep down he's maybe a bit disappointed we don't all get on, but it's never ever caused an rift between us.

It was cruel of them not to reach out when you had PND and the lack of interest in your twins must be hurtful.

It is unfair of your partner to accuse you of being too sensitive. If you feel like stepping back, that's fine. You don't have to see them if they make you unhappy.

The way your post reads is that you are striving for something that is unattainable and that way leads to heartbreak. People are selfish that is human nature. People who have been raised in a family of eight cannot understand how desperately lonely you. It is not that they don’t like you it is that they don't notice you. So wanting to be loved by them puts you in a no-win situation. They don’t have enough love to go round.

You need to make a plan. Think about going low contact will actually look like, sound like and feel like. Is you DH going to be going to family events without you. If he does, will that make you happy? Really image yourself at home without the children, not just a few times but for ever.
As your child gets older and starts to ask what his GPs did wrong, sound the words out loud. Sit with the baby and say them to him.

Your DH has likely had a robust childhood with many arguments, fights, failings out and making up. Probably lots of laughs lots of teasing. This has given tools to cope with life. All that said he married you, a sensitive person who he loved and wanted to raise a family with.

i think it is cruel for a poster to call you needy. We all need things but not necessarily the same things. I wonder if it would be a good idea to read some self-esteem books. Think about the positives that you bring to the marriage and other relationships. Start to build a life for yourself that is not dependent on your in-laws.

U can’t force them to like u, but equally u don’t need to cut them out.

No idea y u think they should be fussing around u, u r just someone who is with their relative.