Stuck in a dilemma 😔

[AliensOnPlanetMars]

My ex who I was with for 22 years - we both live together but separate rooms as single people. I can't afford to move out plus he was diagnosed with lung cancer last year so now I'm his full time unpaid carer (I don't receive carer's benefit or whatever it is called). He's had an operation this year to remove half his lungs & now struggle to do basic everyday things with being out of breath. I love going for days out to do walks round big gardens, NT houses/places, seasides where I can walk for miles. AIBU if I left him at home as he can't walk much now even with his crutches plus it's not fair for him to sit in the car while I walk round for hours. He's not outdoor person like me & I can't be pushing a wheelchair up hills, on rocky paths, grass etc plus sometimes he spoils the day with his moaning of aching or tiredness. I've looked after him 24/7 since his terrible work accident many years ago. I don't get no help off the council or carers center, it falls to me to deal with it as I have no brothers, sisters, children etc (I can't have kids) & I look after my elderly parents who are not too good so these walks do me a world of good.

Stop doing the care, speak to social services explain you have separated and will no longer be his carer.

It sounds essential that you have a break. Do you mind me asking - Are you happy to continue as his carer? Are you getting paid or getting carers allowance? Is he valuing of you and reasonable towards what you need?

It isn't your responsibility to look after him. You have done him a great kindness by looking after him this long but you needs to get carers now and you live your own life.

Everyones advice is sound but OP says she can't afford to move out

Stop doing the care, speak to social services explain you have separated and will no longer be his carer.

This is great advice, OP. You cannot be a carer to the detriment of your own health.

Remember the saying "Put your own seatbelt on before another's"?

Love yourself. Your life matters too.

You don't need to be responsible for him at all. If you are no longer in a relationship, you are flat mates. You can help him out as a friend if you want to, but you are under absolutely no legal or moral obligation to care for him 24/7.

Social Services and the benefits system need to be used to provide the care he needs.

Of course you can go out on long walks. Enjoy.

Can you claim carer's allowance? Sounds like you would be eligible. Have you had a carer's assessment from social services? But no, you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave him to it for a few hours while you do some things for you.

Is there a reason you can't claim carers allowance?
If you stopped being his carer, would you have to move out?
What is the housing situation like where you live?

Who owns the property? Are you working? Can you work?

Could he afford to get a motorised wheelchair OP. I've recently bought one - I'm not talking one of those big scooter things, but one that is light enough to fold up and go in a car. That way, he could either join you on your walks if he wants to, or can chose to stay home if he doesn't. As other's have said, he's no longer your responsibility, so you don't have to take him everywhere with you, but if you want to, this might make it easier.

I also really think you should look into claiming Carer's Allowance if you're doing a lot for him. You can find out about what you have to do and if you're eligible here:

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/eligibility

You cant pour from an empty cup. Take time out for you.
might be worth contacting citizens advice and shelter and explaining your situation, as you should be getting some help here as a carer x

With kindness, if you aren't (or weren't ) married, his care does not "fall to you". It sits with his family, his next of kin, or the state.
You need to look after YOU.
Do you have any income?

He needs the citizens advice or another charity to help him check he's in the right benefits. My mums on mobility benefits if £150 a week.

You are not responsible for his care. He should be getting help from social care. He can claim attendance allowance to pay for carers. If he is unable to manage, he may need the higher level of support provided by a care home. He needs to be properly assessed.

1. Even if you were still happily married, you have said nothing in your post that makes it sound as if he wouldn't be ok for a few hours. Obviously if actually he can't go to the loo or get a drink on his own then leaving him alone would be wrong, but if he can it's fine.
2. Why don't you receive carer's allowance?
3. You don't have to be his carer, talk to social services about care support. If you were to live separately, social services would have to provide him with a care package. There is no reason you have to keep living with him unless you want to.
4. Even if you do want to continue to be his carer, he might well be able to get some support from a care agency to allow you to leave him for a few hours on a regular basis, if you can't leave him alone.

I am sorry OP that you find yourself in this position. I do hope you pluck up the courage to do what is right for you.

I am severely restricted in what I can do as I am on crutches. I don't expect or ask family to stay home to look after me - even after surgery.

Whilst your ex sounds as if he is struggling and you sound lovely and caring there is no reason why you can't go out leaving him with access to a ready made meal or flask of coffee etc.

Some people are givers and some are takers and I think you need to redress the balance so you get some me time. Sorting out benefits for you and for him would help with that.

Longer term, do you own the house jointly? Has he discussed the future and your security? Just a bit of a red flag that you are doing all of this care but may later find yourself a bit vulnerable if these things haven't been considered.