Seeking Advice on Co-Parenting Challenges
I sincerely apologise for the lengthy message, but I feel it's important to provide some context.
Overview:
My ex and I separated when our daughter was 14 months old due to his infidelity. I have made an effort to maintain an amicable relationship with him. While he has not been diagnosed as a narcissist, co-parenting with him over the past six years has opened my eyes to certain behaviors. I keep our communication neutral and have learned to manage my emotions when interacting with him. It appears that he struggles with control, which is my personal observation, albeit based on experience.
Current Arrangement:
We do not have a court order. Our child arrangements are as follows:
Two-week cycle: 3 nights with Dad, 4 nights with Mum.
- Week 1: Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday nights with Dad, the rest with Mum.
- Week 2: Friday PM, Saturday, and Sunday with Dad, the rest with Mum.
- Birthdays: Whomevers day it falls on the other parent is allowed time to see our daughter.
- Christmas: Alternates each year.
- Holidays:Notice is provided with the stipulation of time owed back to the other parent. (His stipulation - this can be difficult to accomodate)
- Maintenance: This was arranged six years ago, with no defaults on payments, although there has not been an increase with pay rises have gone ahead as previously agreed.
Current Concerns:
I must stress that, financially and physically, my ex is a good father. He provides for our daughter and values his time with her, engaging in various activities. However, her emotional well-being is currently not being adequately addressed and we are at a stale mate. While I typically strive to accommodate his preferences, I'm increasingly uncomfortable doing so.
I have suggested mediation to facilitate better communication and compromise, but he has consistently refused to consider it. While involving the court feels extreme, especially given his active involvement as a father, I worry that after six years of accommodating his behavior—however minor it may seem to some—having a formal agreement could help mitigate the bullying behavior I often encounter. This might also empower me to assert myself when necessary.
Our Daughter's Well-Being:
Our daughter has never fully settled into this schedule. When she was four, I proposed counseling through her school to support her, but my ex declined the idea. Recently, her anxiety seems to be worsening; she struggles to eat in the days leading up to her time with him. I want to clarify that she does not reject the idea of spending time with him; rather, she has expressed a desire for a more stable home base / environment while at school. She has even asked if she could have dinner at his and then come home. He is a teacher, and when he is working, his mum takes care of our daughger on the mornings. When his parents go on holiday he cannot get her to school, I offertory have her overnight, however if I cannot "pay the time back" he simply drops her off at mine around 6.30 am, for this reason, I feel if he is not able or willing to adjust his own worming schedule as I have, this is another reason why overnights during term time are not appropriate. Everybody needs help when parenting I understand this, however, he completely relies on other people, when I am around to take our daughter to school.
I proposed the idea of quality time over quantity this idea to my ex, ensuring no financial changes and suggesting he could have her for sleepovers when she feels ready and even suggested he has her extra evenings for tea to bridge that gap. He is completely unwilling to try this. He dismissed the proposal and accused me of encouraging her "over-attachment." In my observations, she is comfortable with others but struggles with him / specifially the overnights. When I asked her about this, she articulated that she feels he is not caring—for example, he tells her he doesn’t care when she is upset, and he has threatened to lock her in the car during her moments of sadness. She's told me he simply ignores when she she's upset. I know he does this as this would be how he resxted to me when we where married if I were to ever approach something he deemed beneath him. It’s concerning that he allegedly ignores her and she feels she cannot say my name as he "gets angry" when she mentions me.
Mediation seems vital for us, as our communication is fraught with disagreements. He often dictates decisions unilaterally. Most recently, he stated:
"I won’t be speaking with them (mediation). You shared my personal details with them without my consent, so you can let them know. Mediation does not work with differing parenting styles, and my opinions won’t change with the help of someone who doesn’t know our daughter, you, or me. Completely pointless. As I said before, I will be doing my thing with Dottie on my days, which have been pre-agreed for the last six years. You can do what you want with Dottie on your days. Just to confirm, I’ve booked Daughter in with ** starting on Wednesday, November 13."
I feel as though I’m parenting against a brick wall. He has decided to send her to after-school nursery, believing I am the problem during the transitions for his overnight stays. However, I’ve tried to convey that the issue isn’t about her leaving me; sending her to another setting merely shifts the timing of her meltdowns. Though he may not witness them at 5 PM, I still manage them at 8 AM, prior to school. This is why I requested a trial reduction in overnight stays.
The school has also noticed a concerning pattern in her behavior on days spent with her dad.
Request for Guidance:
I truly appreciate any advice or insights you may have, even the backing of what i can and cant do at the stage would bd helpful. I've told my daughter we will trial her daddy's suggestion until xmas half term. It feels dire to consider court involvement, but if he is unwilling to find common ground if she is still struggling at christmas, which i believe she will be, should that be the course I pursue? Do i try to urge mediation again (i have suggested this 3 times so far).
We have many years ahead of us to navigate this arrangement, and he seems to believe his word is final. If he can change our schedule to suit himself, should I inform him that overnights are no longer an option until he engages in discussions about our daughter's needs? I am very conflict avoidant so this situation I've found myself in causes alot of anxiety, but I need to do what is best for my daughter.
My favourite quote in relation to me "molly coddling" our daughter is: "what's wrong with saying, no we aren't having a hug, stop don't being upset". This is just an example of the difference in our parenting and personalities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my message. I look forward to any guidance you can offer.
Unrelated: The photo is just two rocks we painted, we have a lot of rocks. This kid loves rocks. My house is covered in rocks. Her coat is weighed down by rocks. I find rocks in my shoes, in my pockets, in the sofa and pillows. So. Many. Rocks.