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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice appreciated

49 replies

Indecisive81 · 24/10/2024 19:29

I have been messaging and talking to a married man for over 10 years, we generally talk about day to day life and check in with each other every single day aswell as sexting and videocalling. He has asked to meet me so many times and I have refused each time because my morales and beliefs are telling me not to mess with a married man, however he has told me his wife has cheated and goes out every weekend and gets blind drunk whilst he takes care of their children, he works extremely hard and cooks and cleans also, she has told him she won't change and he is free to leave if he wants to, he doesn't get any physical emotional support love affection or intimacy and hasn't for the last 3 years. I've advised him that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore and he should focus solely on his marriage but he says it's not me causing the problem. I don't know what this is if anything, should I leave well alone or should I at least meet him. 10 years is a long time to talk to somebody without meeting them. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Tippyey · 24/10/2024 19:32

I have refused each time because my morales and beliefs are telling me not to mess with a married man

You're already messing with a married man.

VerityBlueSky · 24/10/2024 19:33

You have zero morals if you're sexting and video calling a married man

ChickenDeChick · 24/10/2024 19:34

And you believe his version of events? Why?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 24/10/2024 19:34

Lol

Idontjetwashthefucker · 24/10/2024 19:35

Can't believe you've been taken in by his bullshit, more fool you

thursdaymurderclub · 24/10/2024 19:35

lol... 10 years! seriously but you won't meet him because you have high morals, even though you sext him... he's telling you a load of bullshit and you really are no better

Nikitaspearlearring · 24/10/2024 19:37

This is a fantasy relationship. Leave him behind and get yourself a real partner, one who you can have a real relationship with.

SauviGone · 24/10/2024 19:38

he has told me his wife has cheated and goes out every weekend and gets blind drunk whilst he takes care of their children, he works extremely hard and cooks and cleans also

Any advice please?

Yes.

Don't ever respond to any emails from Nigerian Princes, because if you believe that bullshit you'll believe anything.

HollaHolla · 24/10/2024 19:38

Seriously?

thursdaymurderclub · 24/10/2024 19:39

Nikitaspearlearring · 24/10/2024 19:37

This is a fantasy relationship. Leave him behind and get yourself a real partner, one who you can have a real relationship with.

fantasy yes... in more ways than one i guess

redtrain123 · 24/10/2024 19:41

Sounds like you’re having, at least, an emotional affair, and don’t believe a word he says about his marriage. He’s giving you the standard story.

If things were that bad, he could leave.

liverpudcounsel · 24/10/2024 19:43

Another married man thread. Why do some women not have good old fashioned dignity and self respect.

Flopsythebunny · 24/10/2024 19:59

You don't have any morals so I wouldn't worry about them

Shoes232 · 24/10/2024 20:03

do you not have a real life op?

agree to meet him, he will cancel on you last minute every time blaming his wife.

julia08 · 24/10/2024 20:33

I can’t imagine how much of your time and mental energy this man has taken over the last 10 years. I think you should ask yourself whether you truly feel this is the basis for a healthy and positive relationship, and very carefully consider how much you’re willing to invest in this man going forwards.

Babbadoobabbadock · 24/10/2024 20:37

Ffs get some self respect

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/10/2024 20:43

Your morals are already at a pretty low standard so don’t let that concern you if you want to meet him. You are both already knowing doing something that will hurt someone else so you don’t get to claim you’re good people.

Also, he is lying to you. Are you really daft enough to believe everything he’s told you about his wife and marriage?

NerrSnerr · 24/10/2024 20:53

When men cheat their wives are always crazy and awful. Every single time.

It's purely to make him feel less guilty.

Raise the bar on your men and your morals.

NerrSnerr · 24/10/2024 20:54

No one would ever say 'she cooks and cleans also' about a woman to try and say how good she is would they?

Not relevant to the thread but I think worth pointing out..

lovelymango · 24/10/2024 20:56

I was in this situation for five years and realise he was a dick who had no respect for me or his wife so I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. You need to do the same. I wanted to be his friend but got dragged into his shit

Allfur · 24/10/2024 20:58

Is his name bobby?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 24/10/2024 20:59

You’re probably one of many

CheekyHobson · 24/10/2024 21:00

And I suppose he has a compelling reason for why he's staying in this loveless, trustless marriage where he does all the work and looks after the kids all the time.

leia24 · 24/10/2024 21:01

🤣
My ex told people that I was crazy and controlling, that I spent all his inheritance, that he was sleeping on the couch, that we were only together for the children, that he hated me and we had no relationship and that I was cheating on him.

The reality was that I was absolutely committed to him, we were having sex pretty much every day and definitely sharing a bed, he never had an inheritance, he was financially, physically and emotionally abusing me..and we didn't have any shared children. The other woman believed him but unfortunately it was still a load of shit he made up to make her feel sorry for him while he was absolutely terrorising me every day

IfIHadAHeart · 24/10/2024 21:03

OP have you had any other relationships yourself during this time?

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